"You are my strength, strength like no other. Reaches to me"

2011-07-08T17:17:00.002+08:00

"You are not a God created by human hands

You are not a God dependent on any mortal man

You are not a God in need of anything we can give

By your plan, that's just the way it is

You are God alone

From before time began

You are on your throne

You are God alone

Right now, in the good times and bad

You are on your throne

You are God alone

You're the only God who's power none can contend

You're the only God who's Name and praise will never end

You're the only God who's worthy of everything we can give

You are God, that's just the way it is

Unchangeable

Unshakable

Unstoppable, that's what You are"

I'll trust in you, and I'll trust in the plan You have for my life.

2011-01-18T11:55:00.001+08:00

"All of my ambitions, hopes and plans. I surrender these into Your hands"

Everything about life Lord, from the things I do, the grades I'll have, the job I'll take, the places I'll stay in, the people I'll meet and become friends with, the man I'll marry, the kids I'll bear. All of these wishes, dreams and plans I surrender them to You.

I'm gonna trust in You.

2011-01-13T12:07:00.000+08:00

I have never really asked, and yet You still gave.
I am blessed beyond measure.
For I have been blessed by Your grace and Your faithfulness.

2011-01-01T13:15:00.002+08:00

Mahatma Gandhi said that strength does not come from physical capacity, but that instead it comes from an indomitable will. A will that cannot be subdued.

I respect and admire people who are strong, those who have the courage to pick themselves up after they fall. Those who are humble enough to say that "I have got nothing, and yet I have everything". Those who have been at the lowest points of their lives and yet still say that "Life is still worth living"

What are my problems compared to people who have got nothing. Who have got no money for food or clothes. To those who have got no shelter. To people who smell and live with death so near. Who knows for sure that there might not be a tomorrow.

What are our problems compared to theirs?

Are we so blinded by ourselves that we cannot see how much we are blessed with.

2010-12-27T12:13:00.001+08:00

"Follow your heart" Really? When our hearts are the most fickle, confused little things? God has given us brains for a reason. He gave us senses. He enabled us to think. You don't just jump into something without weighing it in. Not all the time can impulses and gut feelings be right.

Personal example. How many times has my heart told me "I am sure he is the one. Yes I'm sure he is" How many times has my heart told me, "this feels right" and yet, it's not.

Ladies, can you relate to that?

We need to use both reason and feelings. But more than that.The only way we can be sure is when we have got a divine peace. When we seek God in our decision making. Too holy for you? God is too big to involve Himself in your little life? He gave all He had for you. Doesn't that show you how much your seemingly little insignificant life mean to Him?

Pray and seek God when you're stuck in a rut. Ask for directions when you're at crossroads. In all your decision making, use all that He has given you. And until He gives you the answers, until you have got that divine peace, where you no longer are in doubt. Then go ahead. Get that job. Put your kids in that school. Migrate the whole family. Court that girl or that guy. Seal that business deal.

You'll then see that with God involved in your life, you can never go wrong. Your heart will no longer be fickle. There'll be no place for confusion.

2010-12-24T23:06:00.004+08:00

It doesn't take much to make a world of a difference. It doesn't take a lot to make someone smile.

2010-12-18T18:00:00.002+08:00

We've become so preoccupied with our own lives, so much so that the next life right beside us no longer seem as important. Some would say that before we start watching out for others, we need to look out for ourselves first. Well yeah, there's some truth in that. When then do we stop looking out just for ourselves and start thinking about others?

Someone else can be hurting more than you at one time, someone else might need that encouragement, that simple "how are you?" or that "I'm thinking of you pal" might mean the world to them.

Someone else can be hiding all that pain and hurt behind a mask, and that one minute of letting them know how much they mean to you, could save them, could lift up their spirits we won't know. Or how about that person who seems so happy all the time, we forget that they need encouragements every now and then too.

Would it kill us to love people the way we love ourselves?

Would it kill us to be as concerned for their well-being just as much as we are worry for ourselves?

Would it kill us to stop being selfish?

Family

2010-12-16T12:27:00.003+08:00

Not perfect but still darn good.

I had a holiday trip back to Iloilo during the last week of November to visit and spend time with my extended family there. And I went there numb and frustrated with a few things. Never agreed to some of the choices made. But really, in the end, it's your family who gives you one of life's real joys and pleasures. No one's perfect and no matter how hard we try to make the best choice for ourselves or for others, life's such that we'll still make stupid mistakes. And not just once or twice, but probably a million times. To come around them, we just have got to make a mental note not to make the same kind of mistakes again.

My family has made some mistakes, but that does not mean I shouldn't try to understand them or stop loving them. They're still my family. And when I make mine, I know that I'll still have them to encourage me and walk me through it.

Spending time with my youngest aunt was what made this trip back home even more special. To have gone through what she did and to come out wiser than she was before. To live with the consequences and yet still make the best of it and choosing to look at the positive although everyone else might think negatively about it, I am proud of her.

Priorities

2010-11-08T21:13:00.001+08:00

Priorities Shee.

What's important and what's not. Who's important and who's not.

2010-10-25T18:19:00.000+08:00

Why is it so hard for us to be real. Real to our feelings or to be honest. Why is it that we hide, shy away, thinking that would be best for fear of hurting yourself, but in the end hurting others more in the process.

Why do we build a wall and when did we start learning how to. Our defense mechanism sure is funny. We become quiet and distant. We play negativity in our minds. We worry for the worst and before the worst can happen, we act like it already is happening.

"The sharp knife of a short life"

2010-10-18T07:26:00.005+08:00

Life is that precious. We've been taking it for granted. We do not know when we will leave this earth, if we did, maybe we would have been more driven in accomplishing things we see as goals. We would live every day as if it's the last.

A friend or family member is that precious. We might have been taking him/her for granted. If we knew that his/her life would be taken away with just so much in the blink of an eye, maybe that would have changed the way we treated him/her. We would have spent more time with them than we normally would. We would have loved them every day as if it were their last.

Thing is we don't know the exact date and time. The exact way and how. All we can do is live with a little faith. Use our own discernment. Remind ourselves never to take people and things ever so lightly. Be sensitive. Be good people.

It would be better if the Lord takes someone away either when they're too young or too old. Young so that before you build a bond and begin loving them more than your own life, they're taken away and the pain would not be that unbearable. Old so that you've had a lifetime spent with that person, and you know it's time to let go.

Bala Nadarajan, you'll always be remembered.

2010-10-10T22:37:00.004+08:00

Quantity vs Quality

Superficial vs Depth

Counterfeit Happiness vs Real Joy

2010-09-27T11:31:00.004+08:00

It's been a long time since I've written something here. Is there any need for updates. It's not like anyone is faithfully reading it but oh well, here goes.

Life always gets in the way.

Do we do things, get on with our schedules only 'cause we need to fulfill responsibilities, obligations, do we go through the motion of life without fully experiencing it. What are we working towards. What's our purpose in living, in breathing. Have you ever sat down and really thought about that? 2010 is almost drawing to an end, and it's insane just how fast it's going.

I'll be resigning from my job early next year and no, it's not because I do not want to be a nurse anymore. If this two and half years have taught me anything, it's that I am glad I am put in a job and a position such as this. I do not know what's next after my degree, I can only plan so much, but it's never in my hands alone.

"Your hope cannot be put in some dreamed-up future. It must be in the God who knows your past, present, and future, and loves you enough to give you the best" - Lady in waiting

a poem read 6 years later.

2010-07-09T20:10:00.006+08:00

Was clearing my room today and started browsing through my English file back from when I was in sec 4 and found a yellow post-it on one of my notes on metaphors and it's examples. We leave our English files in the cupboard in class and I can't remember if we had a lock, doubt we had one 'cause we went to our cupboard to take whatever we needed frequently. Most files and books we didn't need to bring back home were kept there. Whoever wrote on that post-it did not leave a name and I don't recognize the handwriting. Even if I do try to recall, this was written 6 years ago.

"You only see what your eyes want to see

How can life be, what you want it to be

You're frozen

When your heart's not open.

You're so consumed with how, what you get

You waste your time with pain and regret

You're broken

When your heart's not open

Mmm. Not sure if I could be in your heart"

Today's my first seeing this.

2010-06-30T10:50:00.004+08:00

"When I speak Your Name,

Mountains move, chains are loosed

When I speak Your Name

Darkness flees; it has no hold on me"

Matt 21:21: "Jesus replied, 'I tell you the truth, if you have faith and do not doubt, not only can you do what was done to the fig tree, but also you can say to this mountain, "Go throw yourself into the sea", and it will be done"

Matt 21:22: "If you believe, you will receive whatever you ask for in prayer"

If I'll only believe, You will move mountains for me.

My greatest love is You

2010-06-29T08:57:00.009+08:00

"Every new day Your glory unfolds

Filling my eyes with Your treasures untold

The beauty of holiness brings worship anew

My greatest love is You

Call me deeper into Your grace

The river that flows from the Holy Place

Wash over me, cleansing me through

My greatest love is You"

There's just eight months left if I am to count. I haven't really been writing about my life the past whole year. Most of my posts have been complaints about work instead. Instead of being a place where I write about the things I've learnt or love, I use it to rant.

And though blogs were created to give the owner that "personal space to call his or her own" to rant and let out, it wasn't my intention when I created this one.

The past months aren't all just complaints, there have been many many many good moments that I thank God for.

Although we're only about to end the month of June, I can still say that:

So far, it's been a year of reconciliation. Friends are hard to keep, but worth every effort.

It's been a year of joy.

When I first joined my present ward, my mindset and attitude was completely wrong. I didn't give my colleagues a chance to show me that they're really nice people. I wrote them off and compared them to the set of friends/colleagues I already had, even before I bothered getting to know them personally. Since the start of this year though, I've come to love many of them and even during busier days, at least I can still smile. Work's definitely becoming more fun.

There's also the joy I have with my family and in the church.

It's been a year of new experience.

I love all that I'm learning at work. Another is that I had my first vacation trip with my best friends. 11 days without any adult supervision. See all of us come from protective homes. We planned, came up with the money and the itinerary. The uncles and aunties have been a great blessing too. I'm also going to be participating in the YOG. Assigned to the village's clinic. So that's going to be another interesting experience.

It's been a year of coming back to God, individually and as a family.

Trusting God again for healing. Trusting Him for life.

Life is worth living, both good times and bad times.

There's no point complaining.

2010-06-27T21:30:00.003+08:00

"We're living in the days where the candle lamp stand can be removed. Are you building your life on the rock or are you building it on the sand?" - Uncle Raj

"Oh Lord You've searched me. You know my way. Even when I fail You, I know You love me. Yes, I know You love me"

Praise You in this storm

2010-06-09T13:55:00.004+08:00

I will praise You in this storm

And I will lift my hands

For You are who You are

No matter where I am

And every tear I've cried

You hold in Your hand

You've never left my side

And though my heart is torn

I'll praise you in this storm"

I lift my eyes unto the hill

Where does my help come from?

My help comes from the Lord

The Maker of Heaven and Earth

- Casting Crowns

Attitude

2010-05-23T18:51:00.005+08:00

How we react to things around us reflects a lot on our inward attitude.

When we smile despite adversities, that is not only a character but an attitude itself. In fact attitude is defined as a 'state of readiness to respond in a characteristic way to a stimulus'.

I've got to change my attitude towards work, and if I don't, work's going to be and will continue being a drag. There's so many things for me to point my finger at and I can continue to complain all day long 'cause when it really comes down to it, you can always find fault in every single thing and let it affect and bother you.

Instead of focusing on the faults at work, I must learn and shift it on my patients instead. How all the little ones make me smile even if I have got to fight and tussle with them just to feed them their medicine. Even if looking after them causes my back to hurt and my legs to ache. Even if I've got to work extra harder during all the busier days, even if I have to miss my meals. I want to focus on the good things at work.

Lord, You've placed me here to be a blessing but I haven't been much. Help me become one.

2010-02-17T17:28:00.003+08:00

How does one work when he/she has got so much pent up frustration. That's the thing with me. I'm no longer clear on what I want, be it in the present or when planning for the future.

Sister T. (being at ward 85 allows me to work under another ward sister) stopped me at the counter yesterday to let me know that ward 31 will be opening up soon and that they're gonna get all of us who disbanded to come back together.

I'm supposed to be happy, I'm supposed to jump at this offer the moment it was made. So why did I reply her with a "I'll think about it". On one hand, I miss working with my ward 61 girls. It's been a long time since the word "fun" was entertwined with the word "work". But on the other, I'm starting to really like some of the current girls/ladies I'm now working with. Before I came to ward 85, I've never known what was it like to work under so many senior staff nurses who are really good at their work and who knows procedures at the back of their hands. Having the assurance that I'm covered and will be taught well, I like that.

If I'm gonna be transferred again now, how sure can I be that I won't again.

Fulfillment that lasts forever.

2010-02-07T16:48:00.006+08:00

Proverbs 23:16-17: " Do not let your heart envy sinners, but always be zealous for the fear of the Lord. There is surely a future hope for you, and your hope will not be cut off"

There have been times and moments when I look at non-believers and wonder how would life be like if I wasn't a Christian. What would I be doing now, what characteristics and values will I have if I wasn't born into a family who serves in church.

I can wear what I want. Say what I want. Do what I want. It'll be so fun. No restrictions. I can work my way up, reach the top, live life by my own rules. It's my game. I can completely destroy myself emotionally, spiritually, physically and not feel horrible about it. I have envied. Being able to do whatever I want without minding it's consequences on eternal life.

I've realized this though: Eternal life in heaven may not sound attractive now. If I pit it against the sights, sounds and colors of this world. To live like there's no tomorrow. But heaven will definitely win hands down if we are to choose between these two: a place of peace, joy, comfort, treasures, where there is no pain or a place filled with fire, darkness, misery and torture for all of eternity. So what do I want now, what's more attractive. Fulfillment that can only last this lifetime, or a hope that does not cut me, that goes past this lifetime and gives me fulfillment that will last forever. Eternity has got no end. I'll need to remember that.

"Lost Purpose, Lost Places" by Lisa Bevere

2010-01-13T09:29:00.007+08:00

"We frequently lose what we have because we fail to remember why it was given. Adam and Eve forgot their purpose and lost their place. They knew they were created for dominion, but they forgot why. Grasping for what was lost, they began to misuse their strengths, and used their dominion against each other. Essentially, the fall of man originated the battle of the sexes. Thus, the wrestling began.

"Have we learned anything in all the years of pain? How many parents have lost the hearts of their children because they forgot why they had them? It was never to control them but to provide an environment in which they flourish. How many couples have lost their marriages because they forgot why they were together? They fight againts each other rather than for their love. Do we grasp and wrestle with others for their roles because we lose sight of our own? We all lose when we take from others what was not theirs to give."
(From Lisa Bevere's "Fight like a Girl")

You know what Sheela. You were MADE a nurse.
It wasn't YOUR choice. Given a choice, you'd never ever ever want to be a nurse.
The reason why you clean crap, you work hard and long, you run around, you get busy making sure the plans for all your patients are done, you advocate, you teach, you look after, you listen, you SERVE was never meant for YOU to feel good. It wasn't for you. Maybe for once, you've gotta stop complaining and thinking about yourself but of others and what you can do, so that THEY will get better.

Maybe you've gotta start praying again, and DO what your blog name says. To start nursing your patients with God's love.

"And while I'm serving others as You would have me do, please help me remember that I'm truly serving you" - R. Fogle.

The Reason

2009-12-27T17:55:00.006+08:00

"We are the reason that He gave His life
We are the reason that He suffered and died
To a world that was lost He gave all He could give
To show us the reason to live"

There have been so many moments when I lose the reason in all that I do.
When life doesn't seem to have much joy anymore, when I wake up and start my day looking forward to end it, when everything starts being a drag.

It's the same at work.

There have been soooo many moments that I feel like just walking away.
How nice it is, to leave everything behind. To go somewhere far from it all. So that I don't have to hear the call bells, the cries, "Nuurrseee!" or doctors, nurses, pharmacists and all those who remembers my name saying "Sheela, could you _____ "

I want to do more. But I don't know what "more" is.

Will I be content being a nurse for kids and working shifts in the hospital?

Will I be content being a housewife and looking after my own kids, watching every detail as they grow, cleaning the house and making sure everything is in order?

Will I be content doing extra hours somewhere else if I do choose to leave nursing, earning more than enough so that I could spend on myself, with much shopping and pampering?

What will I really be content with and how would I know?

I wanna do something that makes me genuinely happy, but what is it really?

What's the real reason behind all this that I'm doing?

2009-12-26T23:44:00.004+08:00

there are some things/people you know that are as good as gone.

easy how friendships stops so fast. when once upon a time, i somehow mattered but now i don't.

Proverbs 16: 1-4

2009-11-09T19:42:00.006+08:00

vs 1: "To man belong the plans of the heart but from the Lord comes the reply of the tongue"

Baffling. What does vs 1 really mean? "To man belong the plans of the heart". In our hearts resides our thoughts and desires. Plans we are set upon on doing, those that we have built in our hearts. Our hearts are usually entangled with our emotions and feelings.

The heart skips and dances to music when it's in love
The heart turns heavy when it's sad
The heart pounds when it's angry.

A man/woman makes choices and says things based on what his/her heart is feeling or going tru'. A man plans his life and it's moments, those that he can control, based on his heart.

"but from the Lord comes the reply of the tongue" A reply is a response to something that was said or done. Put these two sentences together, and what does it mean?

Looking at and studying it, i realized that God has got a response to what we have set our hearts on doing. We may make a list of a million things to do, but what does God have to say about them?

vs 2: "All a man's ways seem innocent to him, but motives are weighed by the Lord"

When it comes to doing things our way, we fight for it and come up with reasons to justify why we want it such. What may look good to us, may not really be so. What sounds and looks enticing, like a good bullet-proof plan, may not be so in the end. How sure are we? God looks not only into our plans, He looks beyond it and into the heart that makes them.

vs 3: "Commit to the Lord whatever you do and your plans will succeed."

vs 4: "The Lord works out everything for His own ends - even the wicked for a day of disaster"

I cannot commit something to someone if I'm still holding tightly onto it. To commit would mean "to put into charge or trust". It's to give our situations/circumstances/actions entirely to God. Thrusting it into His hands instead - when we commit to God, we are saying "Here Lord, here are my plans, it may not go the way I want it to go, but i'll still give them all to You".

Proverbs 16: 9: "In his heart a man plans his course, but the Lord determines his steps"

It is a learning process but we need to remember that God has always got the best in mind for you and I.
The relationship we have with time is only limited to this current moment. All we can do when it comes to the future is to make little plans and notes of what we can and are able to do.
It is only God who knows and is able to see what would really happen.

2009-10-31T12:17:00.006+08:00

Dear Jesus, You're Amazing and to You i lift my heart
Jesus, You're Beautiful and to You i lift up my eyes
My face forever tilted towards heaven
I've faltered and swayed
Your faithfulness I'm in awe
I've stumbled and fell
Your mercy and Your grace I'm in awe
I love You
and all my life, i want to love You
Take my life and make it whole
For I can't do this on my own

"Here with Me" by Mercy Me

2009-10-30T11:22:00.002+08:00

I long for your embrace
Every single day
To meet you in this place
And see you face to face

Will you show me?
Reveal yourself to me
Because of your mercy
I fall down on my knees

And I can feel your presence here with me
Suddenly I'm lost within your beauty
Caught up in the wonder of your touch
Here in this moment I surrender to your love

You're everywhere I go
I am not alone
You call me as your own
To know you and be known

You are holy
And I fall down on my knees

I can feel your presence here with me
Suddenly I'm lost within your beauty
Caught up in the wonder of your touch
Here in this moment I surrender to your love

I surrender to your grace
I surrender to the one who took my place

It's the climb

2009-10-15T17:52:00.004+08:00

"There's always gonna be another mountain. I'm always gonna wanna make it move. Always gonna be an uphill battle. Sometimes I'm gonna have to lose. Ain't about how fast I get there. Ain't about what's waiting on the other side. It's the climb"

Proverbs 12: 18: "Reckless words pierce like a sword but the tongue of the wise brings healing"
Proverbs 15: 2: " The tongue of the wise commands knowledge, but the mouth of the fool gushes folly"

This battle at work doesn't seem to be ending. Everytime I'm settled - there's always something that'll happen to change it. Just that Lord, help me so that in my anger I do not sin or say things that are wrong and harsh. If there is nothing pleasant for me to say, help me control my tongue and to choose my words instead.

It's frustrating, I'm close to tears when i think or talk about it, however I guess, it's the journey and what I learn in the meantime that should matter more. "It's the climb"

Miley Cyrus may not have been thinking about You Lord when she sang this. Maybe not even the song-writer/s too. However just as the lyrics say, I'll keep my faith even if things aren't going the way I want "Sometimes I'm gonna have to lose"
I'll just keep trusting in You.

2009-10-13T17:59:00.007+08:00

There's a need for continual asking of forgiveness. A continual atonement of sins.
There's not one person who's able to by his own might and accord, able to walk pure and blameless. 'Cause our hearts are corrupt and thoughts evil by nature. Not one, other than our Lord Jesus, walked this earth without sin.

God's blood is always ready for those who recieve Him.
A fact that will never change. his blood cleanses all, wipes away all.
But why then, do we still sin day by day?

I believe the same way God's love shows through the blood and the nails, it's the same love that allows us the freedom of choice, even if some that we make causes God to grieve, sadness in His eyes and pain in His heart.

Years back, when Daniel or Solomon was still in children's church, and when i was serving as a cellgroup leader/helper, he asked Chris, why can't God make us, everyone, love Him then. Surely He has the power to make everyone fall in love and obey and follow His ways.
Chris answered that it's cause God wants us to choose.

Sure, a snap of His fingers and the entire universe can adore Him. but God, our gentle God, does not want robots worshipping Him. He wants hungry hearts who chooses to worship Him.

Everyday we have got to choose to cleanse our hearts with His blood.
Everyday, we've got to choose between doing what we know is right and pleasing to God or doing things that are sin.
Everyday we have got to fight the beast in us.
Thankfully, we know and can be assured that, when we call out to Jesus, He'll give us the strength to overcome. Thank God for His grace.

Ephesians 5: 8-10: "For you were once in darkness, but now you are light in the Lord. Live as children of light (for the fruit of the light consists in all goodness, righteousness and truth) and find out what pleases the Lord"

Hebrews 10:22: "Let us draw near to God with a sincere heart heart in full assurance of faith, having our hearts sprinkled to cleanse us from a guitly concience and having our bodies washed with pure water"

1 Thessalonians 4:7: "For God did not call us to be impure, but to live with a holy life"

Ephesians 1:7: "In Him we have redemption through His blood, the forgiveness of sins, in accordance with the riches of God's grace"

1 Corinthians 15:10: "By by the grace of God I am what I am, and His grace to me was not without effect"

"God gives eternal choices, and these choices have eternal consequences. Isn't this the reminder of Calvary's trio? Ever wonder why there were two crosses next to Christ? Why not six or ten?
Ever wonder why Jesus was in the centre? Why not on the far right or far left? Could it be that the two crosses on the hill symbolize one of God's greatest gifts? The gift of choice."

"The two criminals have so much in common. Convicted by the same system. Condemned to the same death. Surrounded by the same crowd. Equally close to Jesus. In fact, they begin with the same sarcasm: 'the two criminals also said cruel things to Jesus' (Matt 27:44 CEV"

"But one changed"

"Does not the shepherd leave the ninety-nine sheep and pursue the one lost? Does not the housewife sweep the house until the lost coin is found? Yes, the shepherd does, the housewife does, but the father of the prodigal, remember, does nothing.
The sheep was lost innocently.
The coin was lost irresponsibly.
But the prodigal son left intentionally. The father gave him the choice. Jesus gave both criminals the same"

"How could two men see the same Jesus and one choose to mock Him and the other choose to pray to Him? I don't know, but they did. And when one prayed, Jesus loved him enough to save Him. And when the other mocked, Jesus loved him enough to let him. He allowed him the choice. He does the same for you"

- Max Lucado's "He chose the Nails"
Chapter 6 "I will let you choose"

2009-10-05T19:17:00.002+08:00

"He shall reign forever"

2009-10-01T21:38:00.007+08:00

Do i believe that every change would probably have gone tru with God before it could happen to me? Will i believe that God probably allowed them for a reason?
I dislike changes unless it's something I've planned for or have prepared for. Even if this change is for a short while.
But can I say, am i willing to say, that it is well with my soul?

Talking to all my friends though have helped me in putting it all into perspective. When Alvin mentioned that maybe when I'm in a place far away and I'm faced in a situation where there are bad wounds, cuts, burns. Then I'll look back and thank God for this experience.

It's been three days at the new ward. I whispered to Rages before i left yesterday that all these are new to me, and I actually would like to learn. That day i observed a dressing I haven't quite seen before. I just don't like the ward culture 'cause I come from a ward where our teamwork is awesome and all my colleagues are nice and fun people to be around.

Having worked in a positive environment for the past one year and a half isn't making it easy for me to accept this new setting. On my first day itself, the ward sister told the three of us that her ward girls wouldn't come out to teach us but would assume that we know and don't have to be guided.
Honestly? You're actually saying that?

Maybe i'm putting up my experiences and expectations against this ward cause I came from one that's entirely different from this one. To that, Nana told me that it's like I've come down from heaven to earth.

A ward becomes a family, 'cause majority of my time, if i'm not at home, I'm at work. And we don't change colleagues. Look around across the entire nation and most nurses would have come from and stayed in one ward for a long period of time unless they request for a transfer or resign etc.
I asked Mama Keu how long has she been in Ward 85 before she was deployed to Ward 61 during the H1N1 period, and her answer stunned me. 10 years. Since the ward FIRST opened. There's the reason why I'm so attached to my colleagues and don't like the idea that we're all split up.

I'm not as fired up as last week.
And I'm trying to give my frustrations to God and continue learning to trust in Him.
No one may want to take the initiative guide/teach me. It's okay, I'll pray and ask God for His wisdom instead.

It will be well with my soul.

2009-09-24T00:42:00.004+08:00

Never once did you stop to think about how we feel. You push us around with no regards of the effort we have put in. I don't mind change if it's warranted for but if changes are made just 'cause you cannot make up your silly minds, there's only too much we can take. You'll lose all the good ones one by one and then there'll be none. Still i don't think you'll even care or realise. I detest you. I really do.

You opened up three wards in June for H1N1. We only knew about the deployment the day before or on that day we go to work. We heard it not from you, but from our colleagues. That I can do. I'm a nurse and i don't mind. One and a half month into it - H1N1 was too widespread. Instead of allowing us to return to our original wards, we stayed on permanent. You said we needed new wards.

Two months later, you start closing the wards that were needed. I heard of nurses crying. Morales low. Then we start hearing another ward would close down. About the same time an email was circled out stating that we at 61 (us and our new colleagues we've gotten used to working with) would move down to 31. In that emailed circled out all over, the move was scheduled for the 28th. On the 23rd, you walk in, high and mighty. Telling us everything's changed. We'll no longer function as a ward. We'll no longer work together. Instead we're breaking us up and moving us all over.

This when we've grown to be comfortable.

You don't see the pain we grow tru. It wasn't easy looking after the H1N1s. You threw us into deep waters. We didn't know what to do. But we got tru it. It was supposed to be temporary, you told us. We'd be back in our own wards once it tides over. But when it did - there were new plans. You decided that there weren't enough respiratory wards to handle the influx of patients. 61 became permanent. Two months after, when we've picked up. When we're working and functioning well. You decide to split us up. Temporary again and then we'll be back together, that's what you say. I know better than to trust you on that.

And these are just the changes I've experienced, The changes my ward went and is going tru. I've yet to chronicle the changes other wards have gone through.
I have yet to type of the massive internal change of system you have scheduled us for in the coming week.

Authority is useless when you misuse it.
It's useless when you've shown time and time again how you don't deserve the respect you're credited for.

I've come to love my colleagues, my ward, the surroundings, and you take it all away. Just like that. And then you still expect us to bring up the service sector of the hospital. How do we do that when we ourselves are dissappointed so many times.

How can i desire to work hard and be loyal and bring glory to you when i don't see the reason to.

I no longer respect you. You don't deserve any from us.

You've made me hate the idea of going to work. I haven't stopped crying. My friends tell me not to waste my tears, but i can't help it when i'm feeling this hurt and sad.

2009-09-21T22:03:00.002+08:00

It's been a long time since but i've started tearing again now, when i think about work. It's draining me out physically and mentally.

2009-08-30T05:06:00.003+08:00

"Perhaps after all our worries and questions, we'll discover that all along God had the right thing at the right time for us. Perhaps His plan is more wonderful than anything we could create by ourselves - whether it comes with 'pomp and blare' or quietly, 'like an old friend'. Perhaps...perhaps...we should entrust our questions of 'how' and 'who' and 'when?' into His tender care." - Joshua Harris.

2009-08-19T00:04:00.000+08:00

Lord take my life and make it whole.
Take all of me and make me Yours.
No turning back, so that my eyes are set on You.
I want to fall deeper and deeper in love with You.

There is no one else for me
None but Jesus.

All my delight is in You Lord.
Forever more.

2009-08-17T23:51:00.001+08:00

2009-08-16T16:29:00.001+08:00

"The steadfast love of the Lord never ceases
His mercies never come to an end
They are new every morning
New every morning
Great is thy Faithfulness Oh Lord
Great is thy Faithfulness"

"How Great is our God
Sing with me
How Great is our God
And all will see
How Great, How Great is our God.

The splendor of the King
Clothed in majesty
Let all the earth rejoice
All the earth rejoice
He wraps Himself in light
And darkness tries to hide
And trembles at His voice
Trembles at His voice

Age to age He stands
And time is in His hands
Beginning and the endm, beginning and the end
The Godhead three in one
Father, Spirit and Son
The lion and the lamb
The lion and the lamb

Name above all Names
Worthy of our praise
My heart will sing
How great is our God"

2009-08-07T20:26:00.002+08:00

Internet at home is lagging, so much so that it's getting frustrating sitting here infront of the computer. My blog page doesn't look quite right either.
Facebook takes such a long time, every time i press "home" it gives me that lightning white blank with the word "Done" at the bottom.

All the more i find spending a minute trying to see the updates irritating as it takes an eternity before i can actually see them. So, for those i haven't been sending emails/messages to for a long time. This is the reason why.
How I'm able to sit here and type all this with such patience, even I am amazed.
Well, typing is one thing, pressing the link "Publish" and being able to see my new post in a matter of seconds, like how blogspot has always faithfully done for me, is another. I'm gonna copy this entire post once i'm done with it just in case Molly, my internet connection, decides to give me another one of her surprises by giving me a blank or that famous internet error page. Molly acts up once every now and then, i think she's throwing one of her tantrums again.

I was thinking, work is getting rather hard, being able to breathe a huge sigh of relief amidst the scurry of it all can be considered luxury in itself.
What i was thinking and have come to realize was, i don't nurse my patients. I nurse their files, their papers, their charts. I have got sometimes up to 10 files to update. 14 during night shift. Following the changes and treatments rendered to each individual patient. Scribbling my nursing notes. Speeding around the ward, grabbing more papers, attending to calls from pharmacist dept/clerks at the children's emergency, following up on doctors' orders and actually MAKING them happen, attending to patients and their parents everyday needs and wants. Funny how they tell everything to the nurses, their demands but go completely mum in front of the team of doctors complete from the graduates fresh out of med school right up to the big shots. Consultants in other words, who all spends at least 5-7 minutes standing in front of the patient sitted on his/her bed discussing among themselves on the proper treatment plan based on the current condition/blood and other tests results.

Funny how when the team moves on to the next patient and they look at you, doe-eyed, wanting more out of you and the only thing going through your mind was, "didn't they already explain"

Time.

I never have time to nurse. I never have time to sit with the little ones and comfort or play with them. I never have time to poke or tease the older patients, the way i do with my younger friends in church. I never have time to encourage a parent or to allay their anxieties or worries. I'm always wishing i had more time, until i move on to the next thing i've gotta do at work.

I can never put in words what we do during shift either. When people ask, i talk about the regime, what we basically do, but somehow, when i say it out, it feels like i have the time. All the time i need to do and make a good shift.

What you see on the tele is ideal. What you pen on papers are the ideals.

But we deal with humans, with children, with fussy, fidgety children who are scared to be where they are. A glimspe of our cream white and they start screaming, syringes on our hands are enough to make some of them go berserk. Trust me when i say i had to pin myself on a crying child. Trust me when i say i have done it a million times i no longer feel bad. With parents, who cannot seem to make decisions or who just don't know how to. We deal not just with one, or two, or five. How many have i spoken or come in close contact with, to how many have i had this nurse - patient relationship with? So many, those from just three to four weeks back are a blur.

So, coming back to the ideals.

I think they're all just perfect little words typed onto Microsoft Word by some genius who either has never worked as a small fry nurse in a general hospital or clearly has forgotten how is it like to work and wish it could stop.

Facebook still hasn't given me the page i want to see.

2009-07-23T09:37:00.005+08:00

I was asked today, how do i know that God is real in my life?
I typed quite abit of reply. However now i do feel that one line for an answer to that question, would be sufficient enough.

'Cause i am loved.

It is when i am with my family, i feel His love.
When i am with my friends, i see His love.
When i am at work, it's His love working in me.
When i go back home to sleep at night, His love surrounds me.

Jesus looks past our physical appearances, looks past our social statuses, looks past our circumstances and loves us all the same, loves us for who we are.
So much that even when he stumbled, tripped, when the cross was too heavy, the wood scarring the skin on his back under the scorching hot sun, amidst all the jeers and the loud curses and shoving by the crowd, it was our names that made Him continue on that road. Our names that were on His mind. It was His love for us that made Him lie on that cross, and His desire for us when he suppressed or maybe ignored the pain as the nails dug thru' His hands and His feet.

I was asked before, why don't i just become a nun?
I typed quite abit of reply. However now i do feel that one line for an answer to that question, would be sufficient enough.

I don't have to be a nun, before i can show the world, that it is Jesus I love.

2009-07-20T13:53:00.001+08:00

ooohhh my, this song's sending chills down my spine but not only that, i'm amazed with the voice coming out from this boy!

2009-07-10T01:05:00.003+08:00

I can only Imagine, by Mercy Me.

I can only imagine what it will be like
When I walk by your side
I can only imagine what my eyes will see
When your face is before me
I can only imagine

Surrounded by your glory
What will my heart feel?
Will I dance for you Jesus?
Or in awe of you be still?
Will I stand in your presence?
Or to my knees will I fall?
Will I sing hallelujah?
Will I be able to speak at all?
I can only imagine
I can only imagine

I can only imagine when that day comes
And I find myself standing in the Son
I can only imagine when all I will do
Is forever, forever worship you
I can only imagine
I can only imagine

I can only imagine
When all I will do
Is forever, forever worship you
I can only imagine

Thank you Ray, i really like this song (:

2009-07-06T19:04:00.002+08:00

I know you've cast my sin as far from the east to the west

Jesus can you just show me how

I miss you, I miss lingering, I miss trusting you and loving you the way i did before

2009-07-06T12:45:00.002+08:00

Blessed by what dad told me today. It sure has been long since i last really talked and listened to dad and today's breakfast was good.
How amazing God is, when He speaks to you through people.
When they say statements, in relation to whatever you're going through, and you have yet to tell them about it.
How do they do that? How do they know what to speak into my life?
God is indeed amazing (: He never fails to wonder.

I learn, we all learn.
How do i put it, other than to say that I love what God is doing in my life. Life sure can be a bundle, but i love how we all learn. When we fall, and we get back to our feet.
With each experience, we gain wisdom.
It's during and because of circumstances, we mature.

2009-07-03T20:38:00.001+08:00

the current song i'm in love with:
Come back to me, Utada Hikaru

2009-06-26T10:38:00.002+08:00

Michael Jackson passed away.
We have heard so much from the media, constant news coverage whether it was bad or good about him the past four years never did i or would i think that i would hear this news.
Death happens. And the reality of it only becomes clear when it happens to a star, or to someone close. Only then will we wake up.
Only then will we wish for more time. When we wish we could do something better, something more, so that our lives will not go to waste.
I don't want mine to go to waste.

So H1N1 is at it's 200s.
You know how is it like to be absolutely blur at work. The registra yesterday was informing about the ministry's plans and what could happen and what we need to be ready for and as i was listening to him, wide eyed and looking up to him not just cos he already towers over me while i'm standing, i was sitting down and looking up to a giant of a man, the only thing going through my mind was "huh? what? come again? huh?"

Complete trust happens when we don't know what to do. when we cannot rely on our own past wisdom and knowledge, when we need to lean onto and be dependant on something else or to someone else. Notice how heads are turned and eyes are looking straight at the ministry and yes, they are doing a good job, thank God for leaders. But you know to whom my eyes are turned to and to whom i put all my trust on?
I put all my trust on you Lord.

2009-06-21T10:39:00.002+08:00

byebye ward 3* and hello ward 6*

Madina gave me a ring on thursday, and what she told me made my heart drop and caused fear to come into my heart. Three quarter of us would be deployed to work in a new ward that has been newly opened up for the HINI patients and it would start on Monday.

Yes, I am scared. I've always watched and heard about this from afar. Never had i thought that I would be involved directly in this global fight.

It was the same with SARS in 2003. I was still studying and watching the news or reading the newspapers about it in the comfort of my home. Then again, i was only 15 and the cares of the world then, it's sickness and diseases didn't mattered as much as my own petty cares and woes a teenage girl would face everyday in her life.

The second phone call from Dina caused me to be stunned all the more. Okay, i was getting used to the news. I would be starting on Monday, that gave me three days to prepare myself mentally, "Sister, you better buy all your shampoo, soap and stuff later. Go to work in your own clothes tomorrow, there's no need to wear uniforms. You'd be starting tomorrow. The ward just opened today 'cos there's an overflow of cases, I'm gonna be deployed there tonight"

Weird how when fear strucks you, you can't think, you can't speak.
My fear wasn't for my own but was for my family and my friends as well. I've got a five year old little brother at home!
Do i go home and live life as per usual?
Do i need to stay home?

We were thrown into this deep water, knowing no head or tail about this.
I've only got a year of working experience.
My fear was real, straightaway told my parents and my closest friends about it. And their encouragements came fast.

Yes. I will trust in God.

After two days in the ward, no matter how the higher ups say that we might be working here only for two weeks, until another ward steps up and then we'll be able to return to our own ward.
I doubt that would be the case. In all honesty, to me, looking at it in the natural, it doesn't look like it would be ending anytime soon. I see it as a fight. Something we have gotta pray for and about. No one can see the flu bug, no one would be able to feel that he or she has it, only until tests are done.

We go around living for our moment, not knowing that there are many issues to pray and seek God for. Do we only start praying when someone close to us is struck with a sickness? Do we only start being concern when someone we love is ill?
Life isn't just about our own desires, loves, laughs, wants, enjoyment.
I have got a two year old little girl in my ward with H1N1. Will anyone pray for her?

In terms of work, it isn't too bad actually, we just got to don our PPE all the time and be extra careful and diligent in our handwashing and infection control. On friday, a guy came up and rang our door bell to deliver a patient flowers. He stood there, still, but the moment he saw Rages and I in our whole yellow get up, he got shocked. We walked towards him, laughing 'cause we knew he had questions in his mind, it was written all over his face! We opened the door and he took a step in, to which both Rages and I exclaimed "DON'T COME IN!", it was that, that confirmed it for him. After taking the flowers and confirming the patient's name and signing on the patient's behalf for the flowers, he asked "is this...? do they....?" We nodded our heads and he took a HUGE step BACKWARDS. It was a little funny i must say.

2009-06-10T10:50:00.001+08:00

The difference between You and I.
It has grown stark.
Once upon a time, we were similar.
Like one.
Shared the same hopes, values, desires
I doubt it's the same today

2009-05-25T15:16:00.004+08:00

Why do i always get suck in, into this same cycle over and over again.
Why do i allow myself to be in such situations over and over again.
Why do i let my heart be hurt over and over again.
Why do i struggle over and over again.

2009-04-29T00:42:00.005+08:00

Philippines tomorrow all the way up to 7th May! :D
It's gonna be really hot there.
But Lord, like what Timo shared just now: You're so good. We shouldn't complain.
So use us and let us be a blessing to the kids, the teachers, the youth, the friends, the adults. Amen.

My favourite pictures for the night :D

2009-04-24T14:18:00.009+08:00

Love is not a place
To come and go as we please
It's a house we enter in
And then commit to never leave
So lock the door behind you
Throw away the key
We'll work it out together
Let it bring us to our knees

Love is a shelter in a raging storm
Love is peace in the middle of a war
If we try to leave may God send angels to guard the door
No, love is not a fight but it's something worth fighting for

To some, love is a word that they can fall into
But when they're falling out
Keeping that word is hard to do
Love is a shelter in a raging storm
Love is peace in the middle of a war
If we try to leave may God send angels to guard the door
No, love is not a fight but it's something worth fighting for
Love will come to save us, if we'll only call
He will ask nothing from us, but demand we give our all

Love is a shelter in a raging storm
Love is peace in the middle of a war
If we try to leave may God send angels to guard the door
No, love is not a fight but it's something worth fighting for
I would fight for you, would you fight for me?
It's worth fighting for.

2009-04-10T21:17:00.001+08:00

Carry My Cross by Third Day

As long as I remember
I've been walking through the wilderness
Praying to the Father
And waiting for my time
I've come here with a mission
And soon I'll give my life for this world

I'm praying in the garden
And I'm looking for a miracle
I find the journey hard but
It's the reason I was born
Can this cup be passed on
Lord, I pray your will be done
In this world

So I'll carry my cross
And I'll carry the shame
To the end of the road
Through the struggle and pain
And I'll do it for love
No, it won't be in vain
Yes, I'll carry my cross
And I'll carry the shame

I feel like I'm alone here
And I'm treated like a criminal
The time has come for me now
Even though I've done no wrong
Father, please forgive them
They know not what they've done
In this world

Three more days and I'll be coming back again
Three more days and I'll be coming back again

2009-04-09T23:14:00.002+08:00

What was supposed to be a baby-sitting night for Janan turned out to be a dinner date with the other dear younger brother, Raj instead.
Parents were gonna do visiting/ministry and wanted us to look after Jan and distract him at Causeway Point but he insisted on following Mom and Dad when they dropped us off at Causeway. Thus it was just Raj and I.
He followed me while i shopped for necessities this time (knowing the reactions Dot, J.K, Pearl will give when reading this ;p) Awkwardly waiting at the side while big sister smelt lotions and perfumes/scanned tru' the shelves of creams and then commenting on the amount i spent.

Good training for him right ladies?

We had dinner at Pastamania, and what i loved about it was i got to talk to him, heart to heart, deeper topics. I wished it was longer but it was still good. We talked about his friends, whom he has gotten closer to the past year, we talked about girls, yes, girls, :p, we talked about me, the guys i liked/liked me. He and I have always been open to each other about these things.
I am quite impressed actually, when i asked him if his girlfriend next time has got to be really pretty or have a good body, he answered saying it wouldn't matter (: Tho' he did say she has got to be pleasant looking.

Maybe you think he isn't being honest. But that's a mindset we should all adopt.
When all the good looks fade, when time and age catches up, all you have got left is character. Will you still love him/her the same way you did when he/she was a sweet young thing?
It's easy to be shallow. But i'd want someone, to look at me the way I am inside. Someone to love me, for who I really am, and not because of the way i look like on the outside.

2009-04-04T14:36:00.003+08:00

PART 2: EGOISTIC PEOPLE ON THE LOOSE ;p this is my follow up post to the last one i put up.

oooohhh goodness. what's up with me and the people i've been chatting with the past two/three days. Haha. The ego bug has caught up with our dear Sophie too!!!!!!
:D HAHA. AND AGAIN. I'm smiling to myself in front of the computer. I should stop soon 'cos i look like a loon.

2:31pm Sheela Grace
P6?

2:31pm Sophia
p5
not THAT old
he
*hee

2:32pm Sheela Grace
HAHAHAH. OLD?!

2:32pm Sophia
yupyup

2:32pm Sheela Grace
YOU WANNA TALK ABOUT WHO'S OLD?!

2:32pm Sophia
hahahaha

2:33pm Sheela Grace
hahahahahahahahhaahha!!!!you;ve got alot of explaining for yourself to do young lady if i tell this to Dot Nana Alvin they all
hahahahahahhha.
We'd breathe down your back

2:33pm Sophia
teehee
i dun mean that old
i mean that's quite old compared to me!

2:34pm Sheela Grace
oh ho ho ho

2:34pm Sophia
teehee

2:34pm Sheela Grace
hahahahaha saving yourself now huuuhh
hahahahahaha (:
you know im kidding right now right? im not really angry

2:34pm Sophia
teehee sorta
of coz :) i'm too cute to be angry with
heehee

2:34pm Sheela Grace
HAHAHAHAHAHAHASOPHIA SNG I DIDNT KNOW YOU WERE THIS EGOISTIC!
WHAT HAPPENED TO QUIET DEMURE ANGELIC SOPH?!

2:38pm Sophia
hmmm
i dunno :P jkjk
it's the stress heee
still innocent though!

:D goooooodness.

2009-04-03T11:05:00.005+08:00

I've got very egoistic friends i tell you. Haha. They sure provide entertainment and always cause me to laugh/snigger to myself in front of the computer/alone reading my smses.

Here's a little bit of the conversation between Naz and I on MSN.
hahaha. and as usual i did some publicity for Nat 7.
Friends who chat with me on MSN would ask me about the song i'm listening to (it's shown on my display name, and i have been listening to their songs for the past two weeks), now i'm seriously considering typing and saving my intro of Nat 7 on Microsoft word, so i could just copy and paste it in future (:

naz says (10:50 AM):
yeah i understand now

naz says (10:51 AM):
some ppl loves to stalk those they are attracted to coz they are afraid of rejections but dont wori sheela dont beat around the bush ok. hahahahahahaha

sheela grace espinosa pandian says (10:51 AM):
HAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHA
silly naz

naz says (10:58 AM):
eh anw wat song r u listening to uh?

sheela grace espinosa pandian says (10:59 AM):
its by this cool "band" Naturally 7 who's more than just an acapella group
they imitate instruments

sheela grace espinosa pandian says (11:00 AM):
so all the drum beats violin guitars bass saxophone flute sounds you hear all come from their voices (:
and they're so good. i watched their performance at Esplanade two sundays ago
heeheehee. and my friend Alvin got us front row seats
HEART MELTS

naz says (11:00 AM):
hahahahaha

naz says (11:01 AM):
lucky u neva see me at esplanate
ade*

sheela grace espinosa pandian says (11:01 AM):
hahahahaha. my heart melted more because of the guy who sings the bass.
siggggh.
my lovely lovely bass

naz says (11:01 AM):
if nottt i tell u

sheela grace espinosa pandian says (11:01 AM):
HAHAHAHAHAHHA. EH STOP AH
HHAHAHAHHAHAHAHHAHAHHAHAA

naz says (11:01 AM):
u become like chocolote fondue i tell u

sheela grace espinosa pandian says (11:01 AM):
nothing beats my lovely bass
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHA

sheela grace espinosa pandian says (11:02 AM):
wahhhlooouu nazzzzz!

naz says (11:02 AM):
hahahaha

sheela grace espinosa pandian says (11:02 AM):
hahahaha. THE WHOLE OF OUR CONVERSATION has been about you and YOUR EGO!

naz says (11:02 AM):
hahaha

sheela grace espinosa pandian says (11:03 AM):
i told you im selective of those i stalk and i stalk my lovely bass. thats it.
hahahahah. sooorrrryyy nazzzzz

naz says (11:03 AM):
sure or notttt
i dont believe u

(: the whole topic of who's stalking who came up when i asked him about Brunei and him being a medic, information that another friend (who happens to be his camp-mate right now) told me when we realized we both know Naz.
Here's another conversation i had, this time tru' sms:

Shafi'ie 1 Apr 2009, 18:50
"Just curious, do you think i look the same or abit different"

Me 18:53
"The same. Haha. Just that got no hair now"

Shafi'ie 18:57
"Dang. Thot mayb i became cuter or wat with short hair. Hahaha."

Hahahaha. Seriously. :D Friends like these crack me up.

2009-03-30T09:22:00.004+08:00

"A woman is not born a woman. Nor does she become one when she marries a man, bears a child and does their dirty linen, not even when she joins a women's liberation movement. A woman becomes a woman when she becomes what God wants her to be" - Quoted from the book "Learning to be a Woman"

"This priceless truth can help keep your perspective clear in relation to true fulfillment in life. Too many Christian women think that the inner longings of their heart relate only to love, marriage, and motherhood. Look a little closer and see if that longing isn't untimately for Jesus."

"Gary Chapman once remarked , "I feel very strongly that marriage is not a higher calling than the single state. Happy indeed are those people, married or single, who have discovered that happiness is not found in marriage but in a right relationship with God." Fulfillment for a Christian woman begins with the Lordship of Christ in every area of her life."

"A college professor (wife, mother of seven children, singer, and author) told a group of young women that when she was eight years old, her mother told her a secret that has guided her perspective on life. The most important thing her mother would ever tell her was, ' No one, not even the man you will marry one day, can make you happy - only Jesus can. ' What a profound statement for such a little girl. This secret allowed her to grow up following Jesus with reckless abandonment"

"When a single woman enters a career or even marriage without understanding that she is complete in Christ, she will be disillusioned and dissatisfied. Incompleteness is not the result of being single, but of not being full of Jesus. Only the process of reckless abandonment to Jesus does any woman ever finally understands that, in Him, she is complete."

"When two "incomplete" singles get married, their union will not make them complete. Their marriage will be simply two "incomplete" people trying to find completeness in one another. Only when they understand that their fullness is found in a relationship with Jesus will they ever begin to complement one another.They can never complete one another. You were not created to complete another but to complement. Completion is Jesus' responsibility and complementing is a woman's (hee, and for the guys: or a man's) priveledge." wow. i've never seen in this way. i thought i was made to complete someone, but then this truth seems to jump out at me. Everytime i read this line again, my heart seems to skip a beat. We can never be able to complete someone. because only Jesus can. Only He can fill that hole in the hearts of people, men and women alike. And even if we try hard enough to "complete" someone, maybe a friend, we will never be able to satisfy, the way Jesus does.

"A woman not complete in Jesus will be a drain on her husband. Such a woman will expect her husband to fill the gap that only Jesus can fill. Only the single woman who understands this means of being complete in Jesus is mature enough to be a helpmeet (complement)"

The above excerpts taken, here and there, from the current book i'm reading, "Lady in Waiting" by Jackie Kendall & Debby Jones

I want to fall madly and deeply in love with Jesus, before i do a man.

I want to use my single days completely sold out to Him, because a single man/woman has got something valuable, that married men and women may not be able to spare, and it's time.

Jesus, it's Your presence that I long for, Your face that I seek and Your Name that I love

2009-03-26T11:26:00.003+08:00

HAHA. Brave me decided to chat with GARFIELD BUCKLEY OF NATURALLY 7 on fb.
oh gosh. They really are so nice! He could choose not to reply me, but he still did. It is hard to have fame and yet still be so humble and it's heartwarming when we see stars having that quality.

I'm so exicited. I'm gonna rave about it NOW! :D and show off.
I'm sorry.. when it comes to this I can't keep quiet.
Haha. I have been joking and telling all those friends I have been raving about, that they are my victims. Really. There was Debs, Morven, Shahul, Lilian, Estella, Jaya, Mariam, Haresh and Kevin. To all of them i have raved about and swooned over Nat 7!

11:03am Sheela Grace
Hello hello Garfield! Its been 4 days and my friends and i are still pretty much hyped out about your performance in Spore. (:
God bless you guys. Its great when we listen carefully and hear that most of your songs are directed to God. Your group's such a blessing and for that, May God continue to bless and enrich you guys more.

11:23am Garfield
awww thank you sooo much Sheela...it was a pleasure singing in Spore we had a great time there thanks a lot

11:24am Sheela Grace
HAHA. well im sure we hope we made an impression just like you did all of us! (:

11:24am Garfield
well yes you did
remember this is our second time coming there

11:25am Sheela Grace
Yeaaa! And when will be the next? we're eagerly awaiting plus we have been raving about N7 to all the friends who did not come. :D

11:25am Garfield
but you meet different people each time too
so hopefully the next time we come back there i'll see you :-)

11:26am Sheela Grace
sure you will! We'll make sure we'll come again and get the front row seats. it was a treat (:

11:27am Garfield
awww well im glad you enjoyed yourself

11:29am Sheela Grace
hee. yeap. i did. So, take care! And enjoy all the other gigs and get more cds out in Spore toooooo. Haha. okay, ill not take much of your time. It has been a couple of days/week of gigs non-stop right? God bless you again and send my regards to the rest too. (:

11:42am Garfield
will do all the best

oh my goodness.
You don't wanna know what state I am in right now!

(: (: (: (: (:

Like Nana, no amount of smiles can tell you how happy/excited I am.

Hee, and I'm excited and yet nervous about tomorrow. Going there having no idea what I will be doing and what it is for. Need to start practising my smiles. All i know I gotta go back to work today tho' it's my day off and collect the KK Hospital jacket my ward sister, Sister K borrowed for me.

I'll write again soon what Sister K told me over the phone last night! Hahaha. She cracks me up all the time, and I like her as a person. She's probably the funniest and most DOWN-TO-EARTH, most personal Ward Sister I have.

To the parents of my dear Bed 9,
I'm sorry it happened. I can only imagine the pain You both are going tru'.
When i recalled how the two of you said "thank you" to us when leaving our ward for the ICU, the more hurt I am. And to think that You were one of the nicest parents we had.
My heart stopped for a moment when I heard the news and I teared on my way home. If only we could turn back time. At 13 years, it's far too early.
I can and will pray that God will give you strength to tide over this.

2009-03-22T23:08:00.009+08:00

BACK FROM NATURALLY 7'S CONCERT AT ESPLANADE!

AHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!! (: (: (:

FRONT ROW SEATS! *THANKS ALVIN!!!!!!!!!!!*

THEY REMEMBERED US!!!
during the autograph session, Dwight and Garfield asked/confirmed with me and Nana if we were the ones seating at the first row! :D :D :D :D and we were one of the last few to have our CDs signed, so it's amazing plus touching that they remembered us.

HOP'S (the bass) VOICE SWOONED ME OVER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Manda, Dot!!! I agree that basses are HOT ;p hehehe.
(:

We waited to take a picture with them, but the people working at Esplanade were pushing them to leave and we missed them by a few seconds :( BUT HOP REMEMBERED THAT WE WANTED TO TAKE A PHOTO WITH THEM and HE TURNED BACK AND MOTIONED FOR A PHOTO, but the guy was ushering him away!!!!!!!

AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH. *MELTING*

At least we managed to take a photo with Roger!

OH NO! I SOUND LIKE A CHILD!!!!

BUT I REALLY DID ENJOYED EVERY BIT OF THE PERFORMANCE!!!!
They have got such great, beautiful voices, are such REAL TALENT and knowing that they are Christians and using their voices to give glory to God, really is an inspiration! Most of their songs are about/to God! The performance was splendid, and i loved how they added humour to it, and how they always end with a "God bless"

They were worth watching, their music is worth listening to, and the next time they come to Singapore, I'll be sure to catch their show again (:

NOTE: The band doesn't use ANY INSTRUMENTS none at all.
All the music/instruments, and i mean COMPLETE with drums, electric guitar, violin, bass, , flute, dj tables etc come from their VOICES, and their voices alone!!!!and hearing them LIVE was FANTASTIC! there were hair raising moments, heart thumping moments and i couldn't help smiling! THEY WERE FABULOUS!

And to give you a little nugget showing how much the four of us enjoyed them, after we've parted to go on our own ways back home, we did some mass-smsing among us:

Alvin: "Absolutely sub-zero tempertaure cool la! i believe tt most of their songs are abt God :) N in one of their songs they were actually reminding people 2 think abt e lyrics n not just dance! How cool is that! :) Dis is e best musical performance i've had e priveledge of attending! Tnx 4 intro-ing :D"

Me: "My best ever too! Really thank God for this group they are an inspiration!"

Dot: "Was reading their testimonies in e cd cover n ALL of them were thanking God "When e singers are gifted, God is uplifted" Im so happy i had u guys 4 company"

Nana: "Gosh. I can still hear their voice ringing in my ears! *heart melts* they're so good. And its really cool that they glorify God with their songs (:"

I love their voice control. AWESOME.

And here's a picture with 1/7 of them, Roger (:

and another of us and their poster!!! hahaha, 'cos we missed them by a few seconds, don't make me think of that more, i'd get sad again :(

The new face you see there is Dot's ex-student, who's actually both mine and Nana's junior! :D We made a new friend.

2009-03-15T23:25:00.007+08:00

Glorify Your Name

Your presence Your Glory
You're welcome here
All honor, dominion
Lord please come near
We want you
We need You
We live to glorify Your Name

Glorify Your Name
Glorify Your Name
Glorify Your Name above all names

Yes Lord, I want you. I need you. I live to glorify Your Name

2009-03-13T23:45:00.005+08:00

My parents and Janan went off to Maesot, Thailand today and they'd be there for a short trip until wednesday. I worked the p.m. shift today thus I could not see my parents before they left home for the airport, so they sent me smses before they left.

We all know that a mother's love for her children are shown tru' words. Quite literally. (:
Here's a snippet:

4.43pm, MOM : Grl, dr r laundries u ned 2 hang 4me 2more outside wen its not rainin. Just bring d pail outside n hang dm. D towels, pls hang each on d hanger. Got hangers on d windows.

4.44pm, MOM: the exact same message as above

4.46pm, MOM : Make sure dy don't touch d floor. Just use pails. U take care, we'l call u fr maesot. Make sure u take yur key fr dor. Lock gate, lock dor n put stopper on d dor. Sat, u can cok rice and heat up beef 4lunch.

5.05pm, DAD : Sweetheart, u take cre ha. Love u. We wil col u frm bangkok 2nite

5.45pm, MOM : Grl, pls put the curry in the fridge. Also, there are chiko fruit in the fridge, pls eat. Ask your bro to eat too, it is very good. Take care, pls put your ph on alarm in the morning. See you both on wed. Love you.

:D There! I kept smiling after reading all five smses and showed them to Lilian and Jessette at work, and they were laughing as they read them all, with Jessette saying, "it's like that. Mom's are like that". Hee, She's a young mom too (:

And sidetracking: MY MOM'S SHORT FORMS IN HER SMSES ARE SIMPLY HORRID RIGHT?! There really were times when i read her smses and had to take a long time to discern what she was trying to tell me. Hahaha. My mom's so cute la. :D

2009-03-12T22:59:00.004+08:00

Manda did this quiz and Dot asked me to do it too, so here are my results and like Manda, I find the answers quite accurate (:

Your view on yourself:
You are down-to-earth and people like you because you are so straightforward.
You are an efficient problem solver because you will listen to both sides of an argument before making a decision that usually appeals to both parties.

The type of girlfriend/boyfriend you are looking for:
You are a true romantic. When you are in love, you will do anything and everything to keep your love true.
(: though this doesnt say much about the type of boyfriend i'm looking for isnt it?

Your readiness to commit to a relationship:
You are ready to commit as soon as you meet the right person. And you believe you will pretty much know as soon as you might that person.
(so, to the darling people who have been asking me when am i gonna get a boyfriend, this pretty much sums up my answer ;D
I have got no rush. I've got to enjoy singlehood as much as i can right now, agree? Because the moment i'm in a committed relationship, i'm in it for life! (: I'm also a fervent advocator of THE LIST. Unless he matches all the criterias in it, i will not settle.
Another good point you should take is that to make sure that the criterias/characteristics/attitudes you want in a boyfriend/husband is realistic; share and show that list to friends you trust and be accountable to them. They'd be able to point out too, if you are dreaming way too much or setting unrealistic standards. I've shown my list to Manda, Dot, Nana and Alvin. Another pointer to help when you're writing your list too, is to think if YOU too, can fulfill and have the attitudes/characteristics you want in him/her. It'd be quite unfair if you expect him/her for example, to look past your little faults/quirks if you don't want to do the same for him/her!
And while I'm waiting for the "right"/best person, I need to prepare myself to be the "right" /best one for him too, and that is what I advice you to do too. Marriage is a union of two souls. It's not so much just to fill the human void in you, because in us, we all have that want, the desire or should i say a need. That need to love and to be loved. But both should be able to complement each other, to complete each other, both should want to bless each other. It's not so much of "what my boyfriend/girlfriend/husband/wife must have to complete me". The attitude should be "how can i complete my boyfriend/girlfriend/husband/wife". How can i be his/her oasis.
So make that list and pray about/upon it. Pray that likewise, the same way you want him/her to match it, you gotta match it too ;p)

The seriousness of your love:
You are very serious about relationships and aren't interested in wasting time with people you don't really like. If you meet the right person, you will fall deeply and beautifully in love.
(hee. They have got the "aren't interested in wasting time with people you don't really like" part right on the dot!)

Your views on education:
Education is less important than the real world out there, away from the classroom. Deep inside you want to start working, earning money and living on your own.

The right job for you:
You have many goals and want to achieve as much as you can. The jobs you enjoy are those that let you burn off your considerable excess energy.
(Being a staff nurse allows me to burn off my considerable excess energy, sometimes way too much! I am one who can't hold down a desk-job too, i need, really really need to move around and talk)

How do you view success:
You are confident that you will be successful in your chosen career and nothing will stop you from trying.
(I'm more confident and probably confident only of success because I know I have got God by my side, and because I know I am in the place where He wants me to be in right now. When you obey God and serve/do what He wants you to do, you will find that blessings is sure to follow you, it may be in promotions, money or even intangible blessings like having that joy in your heart, a smile in your face and such great peace that absolutely NOTHING can ever take away)

What are you most afraid of:
You are afraid of having no one to rely on in times of trouble. You don't ever want to be unable to take care of yourself. Independence is important to you.
(I'm a people person, and when it comes to problems, i always need someone to hear me out, going tru them with people i trust, and yet at the same time, i don't want to be dependant on them. I always see strength as being able to climb back on your own feet eventually and moving on with life. And i for one, am no damsel-in-distress too (: I appreciate all the help but i don't like to be seen and viewed as a delicate flower ALL of the time)

Who is your true self:
You are mature, reasonable, honest and give good advice. People ask for your comments on all sorts of different issues. Sometimes you might find yourself in a dilemma when trapped with a problem, which your heart rather than your head needs to solve.
(I get bogged down and bothered by people-issues, their troubles somehow becomes mine, and i end up worrying, getting bothered or being angry by an issue on behalf of them, even if they don't feel that way!)

2009-03-01T19:09:00.003+08:00

Just ended my round of night shifts, i'm really thankful that in KKH we only do two nights per round. The first night was bad. Terribly, horribly busy. We would only have 4 staffs scheduled on night shifts. And we had 8 admissions that very night. One every hour until 5am.. And three of my patients needed IV plug, blood cultures and one needed to do lumbar puncture. Goodness. All three in a row. Never had i assisted in three blood cultures straight one after the other. A record for me 'cos even on morning/afternoon shifts, we don't normally assist in three at one go!

And on a side note, people who work in hospitals can be quite supersticious. As the House Officer was struggling to do clerking for all the new admissions (it just kept piling up for him! He'd start on one and another new patient will come in - we had alot of new casefiles sitting on top the other, on the table!), the Medical Officer came to help and she needed to review the new patients anyway. It was already at around 4a.m., and seeing that the H.O. has yet to bathe and change into his scrubs, she went "YOU DIDN'T BATHE?! IT'S YOU!!!! (pointing at him) 8 ADMISSIONS IS CRAZY! YOU STOP YOUR WORK AND GO BATHE! (motioning for him to go out of the ward) QUICK GO BATHE, AT LEAST SHOWER, PLEASE!"

Hahaha. He had quite a sheepish expression after the M.O. admonished him for not taking a shower! And heard from my colleague, he said "I better go and bathe before all of you start scolding me", he did hear both Seow Chee and I complaining that the night is crazily busy. At one part, (after his shower, haha, we were still complaining la), he looked at us and smiled embarrassly. Indeed the busiest i've ever had before, usually i'd be able to sit down by 1130pm and buy snacks from downstairs and eat, but we didn't couldn't sit down most of the shift. Only swallowed a sushi Seow Chee gave/shared with each us, gulp down a little of milk tea i bought earlier before continuing with work.

I did grab whatever chances i could to sit, when writing out reports/labelling specimen forms. But i was up at my feet most of the whole night.

When we came back for our 2nd night, Seow Chee, Kartina and I had the same expression, haha, we did not even want to walk into the ward. But thank God 2nd night was so much better.

However my body is aching from neck down now, even at my ankles!

2009-02-08T14:55:00.008+08:00

Why is it so important that we keep ourselves until marriage?
That we view romance not just with our feelings, react to it not just with our emotions but also with our heads? With wisdom and with respect.
Manda asked this question before when we were on this topic.
Why did God give us brains for if not to use it?

"I love my boyfriend and i am gonna marry him in the end, so why does it matter if we go beyond the limits? Why does it matter if we're having sex now or only later after marriage?"

What IF you DON'T marry him?
What IF you GET PREGNANT and he shirks responsibility?
What IF he does feel the need to be responsible and does marry you, NOT because he is ready to commit and to spend his life with you and sure of it, but only because you're carrying his child?

Would you be able to live with that?
Allowing room for doubt years later down the road where you stop and wonder if things didn't happen the way it did, what would become of the two of you? Where would you now be in your life?

Do you really want that?

There is a need to protect our hearts and to protect our bodies
This is no joke
God planned a season for everything
A season to be single
A season to fall in love
A season to marry and to have children

When we push and rush to be in seasons that we are not ready for
We shortchange our destinies
We shortchange God
Yes, something wonderful may still come out of it
But i'd rather have what God had initially planned for me
I'd rather enjoy the seasons as they come
Beautiful moments can only be beautiful when it's allowed to bloom and grow in it's own season, in it's own place

Joshua Harris writes about intimacy in his book, "I kissed Dating Goodbye" :

(page 28, A little principle) " An intimate relationship is a beautiful experience that God wants us to enjoy. After all, He stated that it wasn't good for man to be alone and created the woman to perfectly complement him and help him (Genesis 2: 18). but God has made the fulfillment of intimacy a by-product of commitment-based love. If we want to experience the goodness of His plan, we need to reconnect the pursuit of intimacy with the pursuit of commitment. This is what i call the Little Relationship Principle:

The joy of intimacy is the reward of commitment.

All of us want intimacy. It means being close to someone. It's being vulnerable, open, and dependent. It's giving to and recieving from another person the deepest parts of who we are - our hopes, our fears, our secrets, our affections. An intimate relationship in which we know and are known by another human is one of the most fulfilling and precious parts of life - it's a gift from God.

There are many different kinds of intimate relationships in life. We can be intimate with a friend, a family member, with a coworker, but the deepest, most meaningful of intimate relationships (outside of a Christian's relationship with God) is the one between a husband and a wife who share not only their hearts but also their bodies- in sexual intimacy, two people know each other in a profound way.

What each of these relationships has in common is trust. We are intimate with those people who have proven their faithfulness to us, people who have shown over time that they will be careful to guard what we have given of ourselves. We're intimate with people who are commited to us.

You might say that intimacy between a man and a woman is the icing on the cake of a relationship headed toward marriage. And if we look at intimacy that way, then it becomes obvious that most of our dating relationships are all icing. They usually lack a purpose or a clear destination. In most cases, especially when we're younger, dating is short term, serving the needs for the moment. We date because we want to enjoy the emotional and physical benefits of intimacy without the responsibility of real commitment. "

Another thing we need to realize, unless we are married to someone, in no way are we allowed to enjoy the benefits of physical intimacy with him or her.

Girls, guard your bodies as much as you guard your hearts.
DO NOT give them away so easily.
Save yourself for a man you truly love and who loves you back just as much
Save yourself for someone who has shown his commitment to you, the one who will place that ring on your finger, the one who will say those vows to you, before God and before the congregation as witness

Guys, protect our hearts and our bodies
When we love, we give our all, sometimes allowing emotions to rob us of being clear,
Thus we need you to guard us too
Respect us
And also in that same way, you save yourself for the woman who will make the same commitment to you, as you do her.

Mum had always told and reminded me, since i was at the age of 6, that a lady's virginity is her gift and probably the best gift she can ever give her husband, and as i grew up, i thought that likewise, by saving myself for him, i would want him to save himself for me!

(page 52, Joshua Harris "I kissed Dating Goodbye") " I cannot "own" someone outside of marriage. In God's eyes two married people become one. And as you continue to mature, you'll often crave the oneness that comes from sharing life with someone. Perhaps you feel the desire even now. Yet i believe that until we're ready to commit our lives in marriage, we have no right to treat anyone as if he or she belongs to us. Sarah and Philip are both seniors in high school and have gone out with each other for six months. Their relationship has reached a fairly serious level. In fact, for all intents and purposes, they might as well be married. They rarely do anything apart - they monopolize each other's weekends, drive each other's cars, and know each other's families as well as their own. Their physical relationship is also fairly serious. In fact, it's in a precarious position. Even though they haven't had sex, they constantly struggle with going too far.

The old attitude says we can "play marriage" if we really love someone. But the new attitude views a claim on another person's time, affection, and future before marriage is unwarranted.
Sarah and Philip realize they need to end their relationship as it now exists. By staking a claim on each other, they've stifled their individual growth and needlessly consumed energy that they should have directed into service and preparation for the future. They've planned their lives around each other when they don't really know that they'll get married someday. And in reality, if they're like most high school couples, there's a good chance they will probably marry someone else.

Even if Sarah and Philip had kept their physical relationship completely pure, they still would have unwarranted claims on each other's spiritual and emotional lives by continuing the relationship. If God wants them to be together in future, their current decision to halt their involvement won't endanger His plan. Right now they should choose to obey God and break up a relationship that has them stealing from each other.

Are you making unwarranted emotional, spiritual, or even physical claims on someone? Ask God to show you whether you need to re-evaluate a current relationship. "

Do not play with fire, lest you get burnt
Do not shoot yourself in your own foot
When we are in a relationship and we explore in ways we shouldn't, we are playing with fire!
Are you ready for the hurt and the pain that comes after that?
When we get burnt?

So what, if he's your boyfriend or she's your girlfriend now? You still have no claim or rights over each others' bodies!
When you give your chastity away so easily, and if/when you marry someone else in the end,
Will you be able to look that person in the eye and be able to say,
"You're the only one"

Respecting each other goes a long way.
It pays to wait.
Making it all the more sweeter when we allow intimacy to happen at the right time.

Elisabeth Elliot, Passion and Purity,
" A question of chastity. An outmoded word, the world says, but the truth is it's a Christian's obligation. It means abstention from sexual activity. For the Christian there is one rule and only one rule only: total abstention from sexual activity outside of marriage and total faithfulness inside marriage. Period. No ifs, ands, or buts"

We need, we must be very careful!
In a time and age where this thinking and value now seems obsulate, it is still possible to have a stand and to stick by it!
To have values and stick with them!

Romans 12: 1: "Therefore, I urge you, brothers, in view of God's mercy, to offer your bodies as living sacrifices, holy and pleasing to God - this is your spiritual act of worship"

1 Corinthians 6:18: "Flee from sexual immorality. All other sins a man commits are outside of his body, but he who sins sexually sins against his own body"

vs19: "Do you not know that your body is a temple of the Holy Spirit, who is in you, whom you have recieved from God? You are not your own"

vs20: "you were bought at a price. Therefore honor God with your body"

1 Corinthians 13: 4-7: " Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no records of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes. always perseveres"

Philippians 4: 6-7: "Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition,with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God which transcends all understanding,will gueard your heart and your minds in Christ Jesus."

Waiting patiently.

Elisabeth Elliot writes these in Passion and Purity,

" Psalm25: 5: on thee i wait all day"

"1 Chronicles 22:18: To wait on the Lord is to stand perfectly still... can we two trust His words, 'Is not the Lord your God with you? And hath he not given you rest on every side?.."

"Patient waiting does not come naturally for most of us, but a great deal is said about it in the bible. It is an important discipline for anyone who wants to learn to trust."

"But the things that we feel most deeply we ought to learn to be silent about, at least until we have talked them thoroughly over with God"

"How long Lord, must i wait?"
"Nevermind, child, trust me"

Lord Jesus, i pray for myself, for my friends and for my generation
Let us hold Your standards dear,
Hold Your values close to us
In no way, we will be moved
Let us in no way compromise who we are in You
Teach us, teach me to patiently wait
To be still, to be quiet
Forgive us Lord when we choose not to trust in You
Forgive us when we choose to steer our own lives
Forgive us for the mistakes we have made
If our thoughts and our actions have not been pleasing to You
Purify us
Santify us
You are God over everything
You created Eve for Adam
So surely, surely Oh Lord
You know who's best for us
You have already fashioned someone for each of us
I pray that we will not shortchange our destinies
Myself and the people i love
We will not toy with Your plans
But our eyes and our ears will be open to Your whispers, to Your thoughts
Matters of the heart can be complicated stuff
But never too complicated for You to handle
Take charge dear God, take control over this area
I love you
Amen.

But friends, i wanna encourage you, if your past is something you're not proud of, remember
Romans 8:1:"Therefore, there is now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus"

There were skeletons in my closet which i hid too, a past i'm not very proud of myself, BUT THERE IS NO CONDEMNATION!

Isaiah 43: 18-19: "Forget the former things; do not dwell on the past. See, I am doing a new thing! Now it springs up; do you not percieve it?

In "Put Away Your past" by Lisa Bevere,
She says, "Your past is not Your future."
"If we measure our future by our past, we are doomed to repeat it. It is fallacy to believe that by studying our past failures, traumas or abuses we prevent or correct our current ones. Looking at our past does not guarentee our future - it prevents it. When we search, analyze and delve into our yesterdays, we are limited to our own accumulated information of abuse or wrong decisions. Drawing on our own wisdom and experience will not safeguard our future. We need someone bigger and wiser than ourselves to guide and protect us - we need God"

" We cannot turn fully into the beautiful future God has for us until we completely turn away from our past"

In "Generation Esther", Lisa Ryan writes,
"I want to say something important here, though: If this discussion about the need for purity has brought conviction in your heart, please be encouraged- you can always begin again. If you haven't maintained purity in your life, you aren't forever disquailified from finding God's destiny for your life. God can cleanse you and make you whole again. If you let Him, God will set you apart again, or perhaps for the first time, for His purposes. Remember this: it is never too early or too late to start walking in purity in every area of your life."

So, give your past to God.
God never remembers the wrong we have done once we offer it to Him and seek His forgiveness
Forget your past and give your future to God (:

2009-01-31T22:57:00.002+08:00

For my beloved "doctor" and i. (i'm hoping that you, my doctor will realize that i'm referring to you, don't wanna make it very obvious that's why) :

Elizabeth Elliot wrote this in her journal and felt this when she was around our age too, and in her book Passion and Purity she goes: ' My heart was saying, "Lord, take away this longing, or give me that for which I long." The Lord was answering, "I must teach you to long for something better." '

I feel exactly this way.
I also feel hurt, confused, angered and foolish.
But you know my dearest doctor, i'm thankful that I'm going through this period with you and with the bestfriend.
Need to get all my thoughts right. All my emotions right. Need to clear this cloud of confusion clogging up in my head.

I love you both so much. Thank you for hearing me out. *hugs*

2009-01-30T09:55:00.009+08:00

Done my round of nights. Now it's my turn to have a long weekend (: Have been keeping my nails long so i can nail-polish it.
My nights were great. Interesting how i'm enjoying work more and more. Maybe i've found my place for this season. Maybe it's the amazing people i'm working with.
Maybe i'm just a simple person.
Maybe it's cos God's teaching me and moulding me and allowing me to learn to love life.
To see life as precious, i enjoy being around this kids. Enjoy doing what i do.

They are some really really REALLY naughty ones. Okay, maybe just one.
Let me not go there. I start fuming when i think of him. And of his father.
Argh. Like father, like son. I'm still flabbergasted with what happened last night.
When the dad started being unreasonable to us yesterday, i felt all my insides flaming 'cos i've never come across such ridiculous behaviour. Though we were confronted rudely for no proper reason at all, I kept quiet 'cos i knew if i were to speak or answer him more, i'd start raising my voice.

My little baby at Bed 2 is putting on more weight. (:
He came in malnourished and is still pretty much malnourished for a 9 mth old baby. But chubby cheeks have now replaced the sunken ones he had when he first came back to us. He has got such a handsome face now. And he sleeps like an angel (:

My teenage patient, the one i very aptly named Lily for this blog, is getting better. She's walking around now., with assistance nevertheless but it's a HUGE improvement. :D We've taken out the NG tube and she's eating on her own. She's been with us so long that even her boyfriend is so familiar with us. He knows all our names by heart.

Haha. Sister K did night with us. She was the Unit Sister for all Paed Medical wards last night.
One of our phones is faulty, we got the FM guy to come fix it, he came and checked it out but said that he'll get someone to come back again in the morning.
So, both Lilian and I were alone in the ward while Kartina and Mariam went downstairs to buy snacks when Sister K came out to check up on us. She caught the two of us using the internet, haha, but only scolded us lightly and in a funny way, told us to do some other stuff and then the faulty phone started ringing.
She answered it and there wasn't anyone at the other end.

She went "hello? hello? Eh?? No one"
(looking at us) " This person does not want to talk"
(then back to the reciever) "IS THIS SHEELA'S BOYFRIEND??!!!!"

Hahaha! Seriously Sister K?
That was a hilariously unexpected thing to say. Both Lil and I could not stop laughing.

The previous night was with Kartina, Gracy and Subha. And Gracy sure can crap alot. Kartina becomes high at night too. Haha. We laughed so loud, Subha, the most sane one among us, had to keep going "Shhhh! Shhhh!"

Thank You Lord for protecting my nights, my patients, and us nurses.
Thank You for my colleagues.
Thank You for Your blessings.
Its true how you know our hearts, how you know what makes us truly happy
You give us the very best and for that I thank You.

2009-01-28T11:25:00.005+08:00

Not looking forward to doing my round of night shifts today and tomorrow. Mainly because it's the post- CNY period where there will be a flood of admissions for diarrhoa, vomiting, gastritis etc.
Last week itself (pre-CNY period) was really busy, we had to open up our empty cubicle to accomodate the children admitting in. And when we discharge one kid, another kid will come in not long after.

Met Haresh, my umbrella friend two days back. (: Haha. It has been two years since we last met!! Time sure does not wait for no one. It just flies and skids past you.
So, i'm learning to savour every moment. He happened to be around Novena for some working stint, since i was working the pm shift and we'd end work about the same time, he called and waited for me.

It is good meeting up an old friend.
You think about the years back in sec school, the fun, when we were buddies and when he bullied me, when i bullied him, but seriously, in sec school, no one bullied me like Ting Hao, the guy i was sitting beside in our classroom seat arrangement! Nana knows, 'cos i complained to her.
He'd pinch my arms for fun, or when he ask for something and i don't reply, until my arms were covered with so many bruises! He yakked alot. He disturbed alot. He poked alot. It was nightmare sitting beside him!
But he was also a darn good friend, patient and always listening, though he sometimes struggle with what encouraging words to say in return (:
Haha, and when he started getting interested in one of our classmate, he decided to go sit beside her for one lesson, after which she told me she's amazed that i could put up with all his classroom etiquette for 2 years.
Wonder what became of him now. Bumbed into him in the bus 2 years back too, but could not talk cos he was seated at the back and i was already getting off the bus, he might be in civil defense cos' of the uniform.
One thing i kinda feel regret is that i haven't really stayed contact with some of my good friends back in sec sch. Some i do quite frequently, like Haresh and Darsh and occasionally Sarah, Renu, Zakiah, Faslinda but the rest just dissappeared.

At work, we girls are getting pretty used to being under Sister K's care. She's more a friend than she is a boss/supervisor!
We find ourselves joking with her more easily. Even before entering her room i'll go "SISTERRRRRRRRR!!!!" something i definetly would not do to Sister L.! Yesterday Sangeetha leaned slightly on Sister K. LEANED!

I like her, despite the fact that she makes really horrid rosters, i still like her.

There's this 10 year old Malay boy in the isolation room i have been looking after the past 3 days. It being the CNY holiday period, his whole family stays with him in the hospital, they've managed to make the room into a cosy home. His two younger siblings are cute. especially the youngest, and his parents are so nice. His mom will always go "thanks so much dear/darling".
So anyway, whenever i go in, i'd explain to them why the doctor ordered this and that, and answer their questions or just talk to them.
Towards the end of my shift 2 days ago, i went back in to take the boy's temperature. While waiting for the thermometer to beep, his younger brother, probably about the age of 9, finally asked his dad quite earnestly in Malay, i could understand, and it goes like this "Dad, why does this nurse look Malay but only speak in English?"

HAHA. so cute right?! I wonder whether he was tormenting himself with that question until he finally asked his dad. I smiled and answered him myself, explaining that i'm mixed. His dad explained it to him again in Malay.
And from then on, even the following days after, he TOLD everyone who talked to me in Malay that i wasn't Malay, i'm actually mixed but one time he got it wrong, he told his mom that "her mom's singaporean and her dad's from Philippines" (:
Children are just lovely.

2009-01-17T20:16:00.004+08:00

This is for Manda, whenever you feel lonely :D hugs.

Thought of you when i read this from the book Passion and Purity.
I know, things are getting so much better and i'm really glad for that, but whenever homesick- ness kicks in, remember this.
The book's about relationships, the affairs of the heart but i felt that this also serves as reminder for all of us, whether we're wanting/missing that special companionship or just in the area of friendships.

All those who are stuggling with loneliness, this is for you too (:

What to do with Loneliness

Be still and know that He is God. When you are lonely, too much stillness is exactly the thing that seems to be laying waste your soul. Use that stillness to quiet your heart before God. Get to know Him. If He is God, He is still in charge.

Remember that you are not alone. "The Lord, He is that doth go with thee. He will not fail thee nor forsake thee. Be strong and of good courage." (Deut 31:8)
Jesus prmised His disciples, "Lo, I am with you always" (Matt 28:20) Never mind if you cannot feel His presence. He is there, never for one moment forgetting you.

Give thanks. In times of my greatest loneliness I have been lifted up by the promise of 2 Cor 4:17,18, "For this slight momentary afflcition is preparing for us an eternal weight of glory beyond all comparison, because we look not to the things of that are unseen. "This is something to thank God for. This lonelinessitself, which seems a weight, will be far outweighed by glory.

Refuse self-pity. Refuse it absolutel. It is a deadly thing with power to destroy you. Turn your thoughts to Christ who has already caried your griefs and sorrows.

Accept Your loneliness. It is one stage, and only one stage, on a journey that brings you to God. It will not always last.

Offer up your loneliness to God. As the little boy offered to Jesus his five loaves and two fishes, God can transform it for the good of others.

Do something for somebody else. No matter who or where you are, there is something you can do, somebody who needs you. Pray that you may be an instrument of God's peace, that where there is loneliness you may bring joy.

From, Passion and Purity by Elizabeth Elliot

2009-01-11T22:49:00.005+08:00

I'm tired.
Hate doing am-pm-am-pm shifts. Drains all my energy physically and mentally.
I'm too tired to pick up the phone, call and talk to my bestfriend although i miss her alot today!

True enough, i have got to take antibiotics, ALL 112 of them pesky round pink tablets.
Plus, i have got to wear face mask all the time at work for all of the two weeks i'm covered with antibiotics.
Makes me feel infected and diseased.
Argh.

Oh well, as a nurse we're always exposed to all kinds of diseases.
And the baby's really cute. (:
Couldn't help hugging him that day.

2009-01-09T17:34:00.005+08:00

there's this cute little 5 mth old baby i looked after today. Did junior, so bathed him, fed him, carried him, wiped his mucus and drool (he drools ALOT) and held him so close to me.
Only to find out during the end of shift that he actually needs isolation nursing care!
Doctor recieved a call from the lab, the results for his nasal swab showed that the baby has pertussis.

PERTUSSIS. also known as highly contagious WHOOPING COUGH.

great.
and today, i bathed him, fed him, carried him, wiped his mucus and drool and held him so close to me.

Infection control will need to contact tracing. 'cos the condition wasn't detected at C.E., so they warded him in the normal cubicles, shared with other patients.
May or may need antibiotics, or a jab.
I WILL PRAY AGAINST IT.
don't wanna get whooping cough.

2009-01-08T20:40:00.008+08:00

Was supposed to be in charge of a cubicle of isolated patients today, but because Jaya wanted her student to do in-charge, i became a floater instead. What a floater usually do is just to help whenever help is needed. So i busied myself by topping up our ward supplies, handing out clothes and towels to patients and such. Ward was free up till 1pm, when C.E. sent us 4 admissions one after the other.

Came back to a very full ward (post night shift, BCLS day (think, CPR for adult, child, infant), and then two days off). Imagine, one cubicle just for a family of HFMD patients. All four siblings kena together.
And i noticed that we have been getting alot of young cerebral palsy patients. One thing about work, i see all kinds of patients, we have those who come in for the slightest of illnesses, like fever, or headache, up till very ill patients.

Like this young teenager we're looking after, i'll call her Lily.
Lily has been with us for a really long time now, admitted early November. I saw her change, her condition worsen, from her being able to walk, talk, sit up, sometimes we had to run after her when she leaves the ward without us knowing, once i literally had to pull her back to her bed. To a point where she couldn't rationalize anymore, she'd scream and shout, sometimes needing 4 people , one time 8 people, to hold her down, 'cos she was just too strong for us.
She had to be transferred to intensive care. When her condition improved, she came back to my ward, by then all she could do was just too lay on her bed, slipping in and out of semi-conciousness.
She'd shiver, barely could move her legs, her arms were stronger and we could only feed her via a tube.
She could only mutter, words were all a slur. She no longer screamed but she was just lying there, on her bed all day long.
She's better now, though our nursing care for her is still pretty intense. We have got to do all her ADLs, which is abbreviation for activities of daily living, simple acts we can do on our own such as bathing, toileting. She's still bed bound for now, the therapist are doing it step by step, trying to slowly let her start eating, or rather start swallowing water (all her nutrition comes from milk feeds tru the tube for the past 1 and a half mth maybe?), her left hand's so weak.
Today while we were changing her diaper, i told her to help me pull up her pants, i took her hand and placed in on the pants, she struggled but she tried.
Talked to her today, when i saw that she was uncomfortable, went up to her and asked why, she pointed to the leg splints she had (which we put on and off every 3hours), and i told her to look at the clock, which she did, and to tell me the time, she couldn't but still explained that i could only take it off at 3pm, and it's still 215pm. She understood me.
She is getting better, slowly but surely.

Sister L. has been promoted to A.D.N. (Assistant Director of Nursing), all of us were sad 'cos that would mean she's no longer gonan be the sister for our ward. Sister L. was a good ward sister. She saw past our mistakes, sure got scolding la. But Sister L. was such that if she scolds you, it was only 'cos it's needed and she corrects in love. We learnt so much under her.
Hahaha, we all cried during our ward party when she talked about her time being our Sister, more so, when she teared while saying that she's gonna be missing us.
To replace her, now there's Sister K. She joined us 2nd week of December and i would say that some of us have not been very fair to her.
Sister K. has only been recently promoted to a ward sister early last year. And because we were under the guidance of a strong leader, who had very good knowledge, we compare her to Sister L.

Sister K's a comical person. Haha, more like an auntie la! I thnk i would be comfortable calling her "Auntie K!".
She talks like one, acts like one, nags like one too. HAHA. they say she nags like a mother-in-law.

Once during her 2nd week with us, the moment she came into the wardm she started nagging and raising her voice "MADINA. clear this" "MADINA. put this back to the nursery room" "MADINA. put the Bp cuffs properly", to which either Siew Hui or Jaya told Madina, "eh, you quickly go back home la, wait she ask you to mop the floor next"

Haha, Sister K. says the funniest things, funny 'cos she's sooooo blur and all over the place. That's why some of my seniors doesn't really like her much.
Oh well. It is a huge change. Sister L. and Sister K. are extremely different. One's so prim and proper and wise, the other's so. HAHA. auntie.
(: but i kinda like her. She is a nice person.
Sometimes she'll walk towards me, stare at me for a long time with a blank look on her face and then go "ahhhh, yaaaa, sheelaaaaa, come, i got something to tell you"
hahaha.

Anyway, Dr. D. C. , our ward consultant and the team of doctors praised us, saying that they are impressed and happy with our nursing care and the teamwork. He said it was better than the high dependancy ward. Whoopee! (:
We were talking over milkshake at the staff lounge after our shift and Sangeetha said we should keep that standard if not, then better.

2009-01-06T12:03:00.009+08:00

Pleasing to You

Sanctify me, clean out my closet
Take away anything that is not pleasing to You
Purify me
Destroy all my anger
Wash away everything that is not pleasing to You

I will be white as snow
I will be pure as gold
Jesus my heart must know
That i'm pleasing to You
I give my life, my all
Taking the cross
I will follow
Jesus my heart must know
That i'm pleasing to You

Sanctify me
You are the light to guide me
To the place where I am,
Only pleasing to You
Oh come and purify me Lord
So that the darkness leaves
And i can be pleasing to You

Come make me white as snow
Lord make me pure as gold
Jesus my heart must know
I'm pleasing to You
I give my life my all
Taking the cross I will follow
Jesus my heart must know
I'm pleasing to You

I would say, that in every generation. there will be those same temptations. The lust of the eyes, the lust of the flesh and the pride of man. I used to think that the world then, eras before would have been more pure.
More sanctified than the era that we're living in now.
It has always been there.
It's just out in the open now.
You see it everywhere. What used to be done behind close doors , in secret
It's all out in the open, for all to know and for all to see
Maybe, it has become far more worse.
But it has been written about in the old testaments. Spanning thousand and thousand of years.
The desires of the world has been the same and will always be the same.
It will continue slamming on your face.

So how do we turn away
How do we set ourselves apart
In a place where sadly, moral values and standards are falling apart
Where God's standards are not thought about
Where no one gives a care on how it was first made to be
How God had fashioned it, intended it

It has become the usual, the norm
Everybody is doing it, you say
So why can't I too?
But let us not falter, let us not be decieved
There are some things that should not be played with
Some things are not meant to be experimented on
Some things that was intended to be beautiful should not be made ugly.

Do we want love or do we want lust?
Do we want a soul, a spirit so pure, or a life filled with filth and guilt
Do we want to hold our head up high, or hang it down in shame?
Do we want to please God's heart, or follow Satan's decietful claim?
I struggle, it's a war within me
Very much in a time that no longer holds moral standards high and dear
What they show on television
A silent monster, a ravenous spirit
Gleeming, a wry smile on it's charcoal black lips
Slowly engulfing the viewer's spirit into its sin
No wonder they say to "be careful of what you see and what you hear"
This knowledge that our minds are not able to handle
That such a passion between a man and a woman
Should be kept
Should be holy
What is holy they say
Do we need it they laugh
Just like in the book of Proverbs
The foolish chooses to be blind to wisdom
Although wisdom is what we really need
So Lord, I choose You
I choose to please Your heart
I choose to be pure
Because of Your grace now I can be as white as snow
This battle can be won,
But only with You and by You.

2009-01-02T12:57:00.005+08:00

Finally met my poly buds last saturday at jee's 21st bbq get-together last saturday.
:D missed them so much, we catched up, shared intimate/girl-stuff stories despite the many people walking around us. How fast have we moved into another phase in life. Cheryl's an O.T. nurse, Fa's working in A & E, Khairiya and Jee's in Neuro and both Prim and I are in Paeds.
We enjoyed the breeze and the food. Jee's nenek cooks GOOD rendang!
Darsh couldn't join us 'cos she had an accident one week back and could not walk. She fell into a longkang. Not a joking matter 'cos her tendon tore, but it's just like her to fall into a longkang laaa. :D Another babe i miss so much.

My slippers tore around the time we wanted to leave, and was struggling to fix it back so i could at least decently walk up to the main road, Jee's family chose a bbq pit right near the end of the park!
Prim had to remind me about the other time my slippers tore at Marina Square! I sat at Mac's while Ya and Prim buy me new slippers!
My footwear always choose the unlikeliest of time to break. And always when i'm out with friends. Haha. Better with friends than when i'm alone.
So, just when i was pretty much prepared to walk barefooted out of the park, Ya's boyfriend offered to try to fix it. And fix it well he did!
It was beyond repair seriously. Still he cut a hole through my slipper, slip the top in and secured it underneath with a rubber band!
SMART!!!! He totally saved my face! :D

We left the park close to 12. Took the last bus to Pasir Ris MRT and got a cab from there since there was no more transport. Dad called me and he was fuming mad, there's this unspoken curfew that my dad has got for me. He never really imposed a time for me to be home by, just as long as it's not too late.
That's when i start thinking why is it that although i'm almost an adult, i'm still not allowed that freedom. It's not like i choose to stay out late everynight/ smeak out of the house. I come home. I get pissed when shift ends late and mum demands to know why i'm home so late and i have got to explain yet again that my work is not like those 9-5 jobs that the moment it turns 5 i can leave straightaway.
Hmm, but i'd rather have concerned parents to parents who can't be bothered at all.

Anyway, God "gave" me a good taxi driver. Right after Dad called me (he probably could hear Dad's angry, loud tone) he drove faster, when we reached my place he asked if i wanted him to turn into the carpark and i said he could just dropped me off at the bustop and he actually waited at the bustop until i got into the lift!
Now that's service from the heart. :D

One year has passed and it's a whole new year now
I've got a feeling this year's gonna zoom by me fast
Need to learn to enjoy every moment.
To soak in and take each day as a gift from God (:
Another year, another gift of life.
Another year to do His will, the question's not "what has 2009 got in store for me"
Rather its "what do i have in store for 2009"
Is this year gonna be a year of difference and of change, be it small or big
Or is this year just gonna be like any other year slowly sinking into oblivion

2008-12-27T11:30:00.007+08:00

it's never enough isn't it?
Always never, never enough.

on, a lighter note,
i enjoyed work yesterday. love love love my funny colleagues and the funny things they say/do never fails to crack me up .

like, when dian asked if i have a boyfriend,

d: eh! you really don't have a bf?
me: nope
d: are you sure????????!!
(laughter)
me: yes, i'm verrry sure i dont have a bf.
d: maybe you forgot that you have one!

and the way kuixian complained about us wasting two hours of time after work was hilarious, Two whole hours sitting down at the counter, just thinking and contemplating of which catering service we want for our year end party, falling in love with the delicious menu, calling them numerous of times, and then in the end sticking to our own KKH kitchen catering service!

work always become fun when working with great people(:

2008-12-18T10:56:00.005+08:00

Psalm 23.
The Lord is my shepherd, i shall not be in want
He makes me lie down in green pastures, He leads me beside quiet waters
He restores my soul, He guides me in paths of righteousness for His name's sake
Even though i walk through the valley of the shadow of death, i will fear no evil, for You are with me; Your rod and Your staff, they comfort me
You prepare a table before me in the presence of my enemies. You anoint my head with oil, my cup overflows
Surely goodness and love will follow me all the days of my life, and i will dwell in the house of the Lord forever.

Psalm 23-27 is truly beautiful. Actually, every knowledge, wisdom, truth that the whole bible has in all it's pages are beautiful. But this few Psalm struck me this time.

Psalm23 encapsulates all that we can be in God, all that we are given by God.
All His love for us described so splendid ansd great in only 6 verses.

Psalm 24 vs 1 & 2.
The earth is the Lord's, and everything in it. the world, and all who live in it;
For He founded it upon the seas and established it upon the waters.

Nothing escapes God. He created the universe. He created and is still creating.
Babies in mothers' wombs as i type, flowers blooming, plants sprouting from the earth, butterflies morphing from cocoons, children waking up and having grown a tad inch taller..
God is working in all these things.
Nothing is missed from His eyes
So why, why do we sometimes feel that He is not there, He does not care. If He cares for the smallest of all creation, the flowers, the birds, would He not care for the people he created, in His own image, created to love and be loved by God.
Would You not mean anything to Him.
You, yet but a blurred face, among the many billions and trillions breathing in the earth right now. And yet still, You who matters so much to God.
Would He not care for You?
Would nothing that You do catch His eye, His attention?
Everything that You do matters, everything that You do causes God's heart to move, for You.

Psalm 25 vs 1 & 2
To you, O Lord, I lift my soul; in you i trust, O my God

vs 14
The Lord confides in those who fear Him; He makes his covenant known to them

What is more delightful than knowing that we can hear God's whispers, His thoughts.
That the great I AM, the King and Creator of all the universe, wants to share His heart with us

Psalm 26 vs 8
I love the house where You live, O Lord, the place where Your glory dwells

I want nothing more dear Lord, than to be where You are

Psalm 27 vs 6
...... I will sing and make music to the Lord

"I just want to be where You are
Dwelling daily in Your presence
I don't want to worship from afar
Draw me near to where You are

I just want to be where You are
In Your dwelling place forever
Take me to the place where You are
Cause I just want to be with You

I just want to be where You are
Dwelling in Your presence
Feasting at Your table
Surrounded by Your glory
In Your presence that's where I always want to be
I just want to be, I just want to be with You

Oh my God, You are my strength and my song
And when I'm in Your presence, though I'm weak Your always strong

'Cause I just want to be
I just want to be with You"

2008-12-15T09:39:00.002+08:00

how will i know.
how do i know.
why does my heart beat so fast, for something unreal.

2008-12-13T13:14:00.006+08:00

hee. okay. i suppose it's time to update my blog. has been post-less for more than a month now. It's not that i have got nothing to say.. i do ALOT of thinking. It's just that i've got so many stuff to type about that i don't know where to start,or which to say first. That explains why i haven't been updating. Always leaving blogging for another day.

I'll start with IT'S BEEN SIX MONTHS SINCE I'VE STARTED WORK! (:
yipeee! God carried me tru it and He will continue carrying me on..
until my next phase of life.
I'll continue to pray about it. I've told my closer friends that i know nursing (in the hospital setting) is not something i'd be doing all my life.
I don't think i've got what it takes to stay in the "shift work - 5 to 6 days a week, doing the same thing until it's time to retire".
No.
I wanna do more. I wanna do more than this.
Sure the money is good. Hahaha. Really.
The government sure does treasure us nurses.
But, if.. if God does call me to some other place. Even if it means relying on God for my income. Then i am willing to go. I still hold on to the prayer and the vision Aunt Quee Eng saw when she prayed for me.

The theme song for the youth conference was "Here I am", the chorus goes,

"I will go where You send me,
Jesus take me now I am Yours
I am Yours
Lay my life on the altar
Everything i give to You alone
Here I am.
Here I am"

Jamie, the guy from Covenant Players whom we had the honor of being taught the basics of drama and mime, reminded me while he was talking to us, that being in the place that God has called you. Knowing that it is your calling. That is what spurs us on. The beauty of it. Even when times are tough. I am sure that our Jehovah Jireh will provide our needs, tangible and intangible.
What strikes me about the Covenant Players is their love for drama. Their determination to be God's vessels. Their zeal. Their desire for using what they like to do - you could say that it's a hobby, for God.
Their commitment. Their passion for life and for Jesus.
Lina has committed 16 years, and she's still spurring on (:
Jamie and Michelle are so young, 23 and 24 respectively and they have already made that BIG decision.. to say "here God, here's my life, use me". They go by faith.

Pastor Kel, our speaker for the conference. At 60 and still on fire for God's work.
I'm still smiling at his story of how he met the tribal people and God using him to share the good news. Those who went would agree that it's a good story, WOAH?????

Amazing.

What's more amazing is that. God has a special plan for each and everyone of us. And that if we obey, He will never fail us. Amazing, how He wants to use us. The God of the universe. What He wants to do, He can make it happen by a snap of His fingers.
And yet.
He chooses to use us.

Another reason for me to praise and thank God, is how timely my annual leave was planned. and scheduled. I didn't ask. Well, i did remind Sister L. that i haven't had my annual leave for this year yet. She asked if i had any week in mind. I told her I'm fine with anything she gives, and she gave me this week. Allowing me to come for the youth conference, every day, attending every minute of it ((:
Thank you Lord. I enjoyed the conference. Drama and Mime was a blast, hahaha..ooohh, we tried our hands on acting....learnt so much cool stuff and it widened my perspective of acting. We can use that skill of acting for God's glory! And acting becomes so powerful when it's anointed.

Raj and I are exchanging rooms now. so the whole house is in a mess!!

We're mostly done with painting my new room, just need to do some touch ups. Have not started on Raj and Janan's room yet. And i love love love my new bed. Single bed tho' but it's reallly nice.
One thing i'd miss about my old room would be the queen sixed bed.. awwwwwww. I won't be able to sleep and stretch and turn and roll.
But the up-side of getting Raj's room would be that i'd have cable tv!!!! (: H.B.O.!!!!!!

When looking tru the paint catalogue, i chose this nice shade of dark purple, Plum Satin is what it's called. The colour turned out pink. So the walls are now pink. The ceiling and some parts of the wall is a nice shade of beige, given by Uncle Ban Seng. Complements the pink walls well. The room is coming out nicely. (:

2008-11-01T20:22:00.009+08:00

You know what kind of mum i'm guessing myself to be next time?
The ultra as-cool-as-a-cucumber kinda mum.
Especially when it comes to my child being sick.

"Aiyo, GE only la. Just rest and drink lots of water la"

"Aiyo, green colour stool, nevermind la, it's normal if got GE"

"A little bit of blood streak in stool? Nevermind, nevermind, just continue monitoring.. bloodstreak may be possible with the amount of purging, which traumatises child's anus.. nevermind, nevermind, monitor somemore"

"Aiyo, fever only la. Just take paracetamol every 4hourly or Ibuprufen if it's still very high"

"Aiyo, itchy only la. Just take Piriton three times daily"

"HFMD? As long as i hydrate my child, isolate, treat the fever.. can ready"

My ears would be so immune to my children's crying, that when they're just throwing a tantrum and crying all their stubborn heart's out so that mum will give them what they want, i will be able to shut it all out. *yay me!*
My ears are already immune to cries in fact.
All due to the screaming they have got to endure every single day, more so when we're doing procedures on these little kids.

And some parents tend to make repeated requests to nurses. For example, they go up to Nurse A. and make a request like "can you help me take new clothes for my child", Nurse A says "Ok, just give me awhile".. and maybe awhile later, the parent will ask Nurse B for the same thing.

Like today, was attending to my patient in the isolation room and his mum asked me to make a bottle of milk for him. Went out of the room, put back some other stuff and headed to the milk room to make his milk, 7 ounce of it and gave it to the mum.

Just 5 minutes later, i saw my colleague shaking a bottle filled with about 7 ounce of milk too, outside the room, pretty much ready to go in till i went
"RAAAGGGEEESSSSSSSS, I JUST GAVE HIM MILK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"

The look on Rages face was classic.

Rages: "THEN THIS?! (holding up the bottle) Can i give it to this patient?" (pointing to the other isolation room, also with a baby)

Me: "No. he's on total breastfeeding"

210mls of formula milk wasted just like that.
Apparently, when i left the room to make his milk, Rages went in 'cos his IV drip's infusion pump was beeping, and the child's mum asked her to make milk too.
Silly. Haha.

Then again, imagine if I did not happen to see Rages outside the room. The mum would have been pretty shocked to get 2 full bottles of milk, one right after the other.

Stuff like these happens alot, maybe just not like this instance, that's what you get with the combination of anxious parents and hardworking nurses (:

2008-10-29T13:34:00.012+08:00

I've joined the addiction to WORD CHALLENGE!
my mind's squeezed out of all the nouns and tenses.
And why do they only give 2 miserable, miserable, miserable, miserable, miserable minutes.
Haha, it has been hours, hours, hours and more hours, and yet i'm still stuck at being a rockstar.
See the lack of my vocabulary already?!
My brain just can't think of anymore words to form with all those letters.
hmmm.

letters.

settler.

tester.
test.
set.
let.
tee.
see.
lee.
leer.
rest.
ret. (i don't know the meaning just yet, but apparently it's accepted. ahhhhh. now i know the meaning having just checked out my bestfriend's other bestfriend)

And that's just about what my brain can conjour up in the past, like what, 100002224598765967 minutes?

On another, irritated note,
There are just some ways a guy should never befriend a girl in.

Like stopping in your tracks, staring at her for 15-20 seconds before walking behind a wall, pretending you're moving along, on your way to wherever you're going, but in actual fact hiding behind that very wall, waiting for the girl to walk past you, and when she does, watch her back for a few more seconds before saying "hi".
OR when you have just started talking to her for the very first time and you start asking way-out-of-the bound questions which i will not further elaborate here.
OR how about not knowing her at all but following her all the way home and introducing yourself, at night for goodness sake.

OR something most common, that i'm pretty sure every girl can relate to, sitting opposite her, staring her down while giving that chee-ko look.

I mean, a girl can tell when you're genuine or just plain sick.
Wanna befriend a girl, not every pick up line at the bar works for all girls,
Ultimately, we women can only become close to guys we know will respect us and never violate our dignity, thus earning our respect.

And again, on another note
drunk guys are scary.
scaaaaarrrrrrrrryyyyyyyyyy.
they don't need to say anything at all.
their presence is enough to scare the petunias out of me.

2008-10-24T12:47:00.006+08:00

dinner and night was with hwc yesterday (:

tho' of course not the whole night: if not the eldest and only male would have to be answerable to all the fathers. especially to a certain someone's daddy :p

Finally, we were complete for Lydz came along yesterday.

Ooooo, i simply love hearing Lydia's girly squeels and how she sounds when she gets high.

Everyone, come meet my pink hippotamus "Wydia" given by sweet Lydia for my birthday. Wydia's 2nd name would be "Gerbra" named after Lydia's famous and unforgettable mispronunciation.

Do you still remember cream-coloured Muffin lyd? That was another toy dog you gave me FIVE years back - it's almost the same type of toy, just smaller in size and without the LARGE sad eyes Wydia has.

Say hello to the world Wydia Gerbra!

I always end up having sorethroat when i'm out with them

and my throat is still sore today!

****

Day off was the day before yesterday so i went for a date with bessie frenda. GOT MY NIKE SHOES! (: "not the one i wanted... but it's still nice". Bessie's ears almost became sore that day 'cos i kept repeating that line. Then we went to Udders, then to shop for my deepavalli dress @ Hula and Co. - the dress i bought does look like the dress hwc got me too. haha. not that adventurous in buying dresses la. For now, i'll stick to the ones i know will look fine on me. For now ah. Then we got some other stuff while walking around marina sq. and finally feasted @ seoul garden.

Plain greedy la.

Even tho' we had ultra filling waffles with 2 scoops of ice cream for "lunch" we still wanted to eat @ seoul garden.

Gonna do night shift today and tomorrow. The ward has been getting awfully busy. I hope tonight won't be so hectic.

2008-10-18T00:16:00.005+08:00

There are days i feel shitty.
Today was one of those days.
Held back my tears a couple of times, during the shift and along the way home.

CE sent 4 patients to my cubicle @ one shot, when it was time for the morning shift to hand over to the afternoon shift. I have two patients squeezed in both my isolation rooms.
Because of the new rule Sister L made to have ward rounds every day (where all the nurses on shift has to listen to EVERY patients' report), the passing of report took ONE AND A HALF HOURS.
Morning shift left quite alot of things undone. we had to finish and help them out with the changes, but i could understand, really.
In this one shift alone, i had to transfer 3 of my patients out of my ward to another ward, discharge another patient by 5pm, which i could only do at 530pm 'cos the drug prescription, MC and memo were still not done at 5pm by the doctor, by then the inpatient pharmacy was gonna close soon, so before they closed i had to run out to get the medicine.

My ward nurses not only looked after children, we had to look after women too. There was an overflow of gynae cases. So we had 5 women. 3 came for surgery, 2 just delivered. At 630pm, my snr. recieved a call that we need to pick a patient up 'cos her surgery was done. My colleague who was in charge was having her break, so i went to pick the patient up.
Snr. wasn't very sure where to pick the patient up from, she heard women's OT.
Walked to women's OT only to find that there was no such patient there, they instructed me to go to day surgery. Went there only to find out that there was absolutely NO need for me to pick up the patient!

Came back to the ward, did my report, serve the medicines, settle another issue between the lab and the doctor (or at least i tried to settle) and continued with the report.

I didn't mention anything about me going for any break right. That's 'cos i didn't.
There was no time at all for a break..
Was too hungry till it came to a point where i wasn't hungry anymore.

And i felt shittier while passing report to the night shift because of another issue, sigh.

Thank you bestfriend for listening & understanding (:
It felt so good to finally let all my tears out.

I still thank God for today tho'. Learnt sooooooooooooooooo much. Had good snrs. who helped me and at least things were finally settling towards the end of the day.

2008-10-11T09:28:00.016+08:00

the b-day week. (:

And so, i have reached 20. The age where i'm no longer a teen, neither am I exactly an adult.

That sandwiched-stuck-inbetween year.

Still feel the same, no less different, in terms of age and what comes along with it.

Basking in all the love the dearest family and the lovely friends showered me with.

Dinner @ Jack's and Place with the family for both mine and raj's bdays 29092008(:

It's been so long since we last went to Jack's as a family. (:

It may have been simple fare, but i really wouldn't be what I am without these most important people.

Dessert @ Udders with Dot 03102008 (:

the waffles and ice cream is HEAVENLY.

haha, Dot and I sure can talk alot, we sat there talking NON-STOP for 3hours or so? :D

Dinner & Cake @ Pizza Hut with the dearest gang 04102008(:

Thank you for spending the actual day with me, for making me laugh so much ("Pastor ah, no need ribena. come let me make the drinkkkk")

Nevermind that their service was horrid. That the wait was long, and that the b-day cake surprise was totally ruined by the waitress. I really didn't care about all that.

My b-day celebration was still great because of you (:
Arghh!!! Should have taken a group shot.

Since there's no photo, i'll type all your names down.

Thank you Pearlyn, Dot, Honey, Sammie, Chris, Ray, Shaun, J.K., Joel, Arun, Sam, Martin and Alvin. :D

And..the most recent

SURPRISE dinner @ fish and co with HWbC (: 09102008 (:

Planning it for quite some time eh?
huh?

just dinner between me and the bestfriend huhh?

the bestfriend's friend who recommended to her the glasssshouse huhhh?

did you guys purposely choose fish and co. knowing what they make b-day babies do? HAHA. and Dot got sabo-ed in the end too! :D hahahahaha! YAYYY!!

HAHA, i love you.

Thank you for making me SMILE the WHOLE night.

Even when i was reaching my door, placing the balloons nicely tied to my chair.. i was still smiling.
And in all the photos, my smile is as wide as the universe la!

I look like i'm gonna burst out in laughter due to over-happiness in every shot!!!

It has been indeed an

eventful two weeks (:

Thank you for the bday presents too (:

2008-09-19T19:21:00.013+08:00

Was walking down the path along KKH towards the bustop yesterday when walking slowly in front of me was a family of 3.
Dad, little Boy and Mum.

Dad puffing a cigarette
little boy about the age of 4, bouncing along inbetween them
Mum puffing a cigarette
Give it a few months, the boy would be having one or two of these:
URTI, Asthma, Bronchitis, Bronchiolitis or Pneumonia and the sweet boy might need up to 8 puffs of Ventolin every hourly.
Who knows, the boy might just have been discharged from the hospital, previously coming in for those very reasons!

Hey, these are all facts, researched, found, stamped and proven. So i shall and will not sugar my words.
You are adults.
Fully capable of rationalizing and making decisions.
If you choose to ruin your lungs despite knowing the harm you're causing yourself, that's really fine by me.
But do not bring along the lungs of your young ones.

I see that you do love your little kids. You may be judged by many, one look and people talk. But there's no doubt the sincerity you have towards your children. The way you put your hand on your kid's head, gentle, assuring. The way you smile at your kid, like any proud parent would.
So, my plea is simple and clear.
If you do love your sons, your daughters then
Protect your kid's health.
Protect your kid's lungs.
The consequences of the choices you make, does not only affect you now.

2008-09-15T14:22:00.006+08:00

My first round of nightshift went okay too. I will get used to working nights soon enough. It's quieter, i get to sit down at the nurses counter, eat chips and maybe if there's really nothing to do, go online.

Went to church straight from the hospital.. and if i had reached home an hour later yesterday, i would have been awake for 24 hours for the first time. Yeap, it would have been the first time 'cos i never liked staying awake the whole night.. Shee needs her sleep. Shee must sleep. If not Shee turns into an ugly, grumpy monster.
Of course the moment i stepped home, i couldn't be bothered with trying to stay awake an hour longer to reach the 24hour mark.. knocked out almost immediately the moment my head touched my pillow up till 9pm when Raj woke me up for dinner.

Saw this cute picture while searching for pictures to add into my slides on 'Dengue Fever'. To think that i would be done with Microsoft Powerpoint the moment i start working. Sister wants her ward nurses to get more CNE points by giving in-services/presentations on relevant topics to our fellow colleagues. I'll be doing my presentation this wednesday.

Baby. Diaper. Nurse. Stethoscope. (:

Things that are currently so familiar.

2008-09-11T23:11:00.008+08:00

the day off was great (:
woke up real late, bummed at home and was out of the house by 430pm to meet my prudential advisor first (who happens to know Chris and Quan, what a small world) before meeting
HW(nb)C for movie and dinner. "WAAAALLLL- EEEEEEE" was a good, cute show. Agree with Manda, for a show with no dialogue for the first half, it's not bad.
The simple dinner at the foodcourt was yummy, eating with good friends make it all the yummier.

2008-09-08T22:15:00.002+08:00

The tears i cry because of it.
The smiles i make because of it.
The laughs i have because of it.
Nursing.
It's a ministry.
A ministry i'm placed in.
Lord help me love every bit of it.
Even the nitty-gritties. when things don't go smoothly.
Still, let me enjoy what i'm doing.
When i'm sad, when i'm tired, when i'm pissed and i fume
Still, remind me, that you've placed me in this ministry to love.
I want to love.
I want to care.
Let all that i give to my patients, come from my heart.

2008-09-08T20:31:00.009+08:00

I will be starting my night shift this coming friday. whoooooo.
My first night!
they said that allowance for working nightshifts are good, especially if you're working nights on weekends.
Including tomorrow and wednesday, i would be working 4 days a.m. shift straight.
Tiring!
Noticed a trend on the workflow. Mornings gets extremely busy on mondays, picking up on tuesday and wednesday.. and towards friday, work slows down, and sundays are usually quiet sundays.
The same way too, noticed a trend in our ward census. When it's school holidays, there'll be less children in the ward.. and when school starts, more gets admitted. So, ill be looking forward to a relatively quiet November and December.

Had to write and submit an incident report yesterday (my first incident report and i don't wanna write anymore too). One 15 yr old patient threw a chair at my patient, causing a bruise on her thigh area . Thank God it was just that kiddy-plastic chair. Seriously, kids these days.
Informed the unit nurse manager of the incident, she told me to prepare the report, call the security up and she'll come by my ward soon.
She came confidently asking for "Minnie, the nurse who called her up earlier".
"Sheela" and "Minnie" hardly sound alike.

The higher-ups have discussed and thought about making my ward an adolescent ward.. and with the current group of teens 'residing' in my ward right now, we nurses were discussing that we need a police on stand-by. On saturday alone we called up the security countless of times.

Been bumping into alot of my woodlands sec ex-classmates/peers/seniors recently, and all the time i'm in nursing uniform.And i meet them either in the ward or in buses. Last month, an ex-classmate's niece was admitted to my ward. One/two weeks back i bump into Zakiah (: missed you too! we really did not have any time to talk, the wave of people behind were pushing me to move towards the rear of the bus. And today, a *coughgoodlookingcough* guy one year my senior visited a child in my ward.

I cannot wait for DAY-OFF on thursday!!!!!

2008-08-29T11:51:00.004+08:00

There are two different moments at work.

When you're busy and things are going fast, you feel like there's no time for you to breathe, you're running for time and for things to get done, stat.. and then there's this period when things are going so slow, you actually find yourself wishing that there's at least something for you to do - as one being too free invites one to be disturbed/questioned or given tasks one just does not want to do.

On thursday, i passed to the night shift team 2 cases/beds,thus giving them 4 empty beds at the same time as 2 were discharged during the morning shift and I discharged another 2.

A nurse always looks at an almost empty cubicle in wide-eye dismay as empty beds spells admissions and the possibility of some being crazy admissions.

Went home having the slightest, terrible hope that the beds will get filled up during the night so that i'll recieve an almost full cubicle when i take over shift the next morning but it will just kill my 2 colleagues..

Morning came, and my colleague handed over the same 2 patients to me. Morning slowly went by and if i could telepathy to the staff at Children's Emergency (C.E.), they would be bombarded with pleading requests from me to send patients only between 9am-12noon. C.E. has a knack of sending patients up to the ward to be admitted at odd timings or when i'm about to hand over shift.. And sometimes they send up to 4-5 patients to the ward at one shot. 12noon passed and i prepared myself for admissions.. 2pm soon came and that meant the end of shift for me, so i will not be recieiving any patients but the colleague taking over me will have to recieve them. Hee, before the passing of report, Jane came up to me and said "Alamaaak.. why you give me so many empty beds?" and when Zhongqiu saw all the empty beds - in total the A side had 6 empty beds, her eyes enlarged and she gave a very loud gasp. Hahaha. Classic (:

Some good news (((: Sister has allowed us to try working a 5day-week work schedule since my ward has got enough staff now. It's only temporary tho' since it's an entirely new schedule for us. We will be trying it out for about 3-4mths and if all goes well, sister will consider making it permanent. So, please, ALL you must go well!

Met some of my poly classmates yesterday after shift. Almost all of us came from work, except for Nava since she's a senior in the ward and could easily ask for a day off. It was good time spent: sharing our nursing struggles and laughs.

One question first asked at the table was "have you already cried because of work?" - and the whopping answer was a big fat yes from all of us, except for Nava, again, who did her crying 10 years ago. (:

In case, some are wondering why Nava is unlike the rest of us; she has been working as a Senior E.N. for 10years before taking the diploma to get promoted to a R.N. Thus in terms of experience, rapport and well-known standing in the ward - she has already got all of them.

Dinner was at Breeks, HarbourFront.. ate the yummy melted cheese chicken patty main course, and brave Dani, Siti and Rozi took the half-chicken. Haha. Yeap, like one half of a spring chicken. Hee, it was funny how they were struggling to down it all. Alas, only Siti managed to conquer the whole thing. (:

Group pictures will have to come another day.

with my Dani-saur, the blur, always hungry woman who surprisingly could not defeat the chicken, whom i missed loads. (:

2008-08-27T09:44:00.002+08:00

Took in-charge yesterday, and it was by-far the most busiest, heart-thumping day i had at work. Three children chose yesterday to have their blood pressures either unreadable or just too abnormally low or high. One child took so much time, her Bp plunged way down (at one point all of us four nurses covering the A side were attending to her, on top of the 4 doctors around her too - she was sent to HD in the end after she was stable to get the proper treatment/care)..
For the other two infants, after several attempts in taking their Bp, and still getting low results we called in the on-call doctors to review.. and guess what, WHEN the doctors are around the dinamap chooses to work fine and their Bps end up okay.

Furthermore on top of all that stress and adrenaline pumping issues , a MSW came to see my NAI patient and took both my patient and the casenotes down. I knew she was gonna come to see my patient,but i wasn't told that she will take them down to her office for the interview. Apperently she came at the time when we were occupied/running around the ward and told our ward clerk (who might have forgotton to tell me and by then have already gone home)
The scare i had when on top of all the Bp issues, i found that both my patient and her casenotes are nowhere to be found..
After much searching, waiting and randomly dialling a number out of our long list of MSW's names and numbers (none of us had managed to catch the MSW's name, by 6pm the patient had already came back without the casenotes - asked where she went etc and when her casenotes were still not back, i started calling the MSWs), found out that the casenotes were indeed with her and she was still not done with interviewing the patient's parents. Seriously.
If her casenotes went really missing, i would be the one with the plunging low Bp.

Enjoyed the teamwork and the people i was working with tho'. At least they made the day better and my seniors were competent enough with the knowledge and the experience when our patients' Bps went funny.

2008-08-16T19:14:00.003+08:00

Why.

How.

When.

What.

Who.

Growing up way too fast.

Lola and Lolo are now back in Philippines. Missing them already.

Guessed their 3 mths vacation here in Singapore was a good break/change for them.. though am pretty sure they were kinda getting bored. My grandparents are still such a sweet loving couple despite being in their 60s..Lolo's still pretty fond of teasing Lola every now and then.

A living example (:

2008-07-29T18:26:00.004+08:00

Work is teaching me:

-not to judge others.(like colleagues and the way they do their work 'cos i too, make the same kind of mistakes. Have been grumbling, being judgemental, making statements but i'm not "all-that" myself too, i fumble and i fail)
-to be on my toes, physically, mentally and spiritually
-accountability
-to love
-to buy many many black pens and bring extras to work

I'm not the easiest person to love
I'm often the one who lets things go unresolved
Yet you choose to be
On the side of me, on the side of me
Yet you choose to be on the side of me
On the side of me

I'm not too proud of some things I've done in my life
The skeletons in my closet are too big for me to hide
Yet you choose to be on the side of me
On the side of me
Blessed Charity You're on the side of me
On the side of me

Everyone needs a friend to hold
When it's cold outside and there's no place to go
Everyone needs a friend to hold
All alone I cried there was no place to go
I remember when nobody cared
But you

I'm not the easiest person to love
But you, you've opened your heart to show me what I'm worth
'Cause you choose to be
On the side of me, on the side of me
What a mystery
You're on the side of me, on the side of me

-"On the side of me" Corrinne May

2008-07-27T19:27:00.017+08:00

Thank you Manda, Dot, Serene, J.K., Val, Chris, Al and Shaun for coming specially to novena to "have lunch" with me today despite having made you wait for me, and long before i reached you all had gobbled down your lunches..you guys must have been reaaally hungry ((: i truly enjoyed the company. (:

i miss going church. feel like i've missed out so much.

the week has been rather rocky.
Dealing with and handling lives in such a way is heavy responsibility. And not just any walk in the park.
Responsibility that i'd prefer not to have it weigh upon my shoulders.

2008-07-20T19:58:00.003+08:00

Anyway..i've still not recovered from the shock i had upon the realization that after my day off on tuesday.. i'll be working for TWELVE days straight until my NEXT day off.

Weekend.
One word.
That blessed word.
The soft resounding sound it makes in your ear, knowing that it's your two days of rest and of leisure.
Warms your heart.
Weekend.
There's no such thing as 'weekend' for a nurse no more.

2008-07-20T19:33:00.004+08:00

my first ever malay wedding. (kak Su's sis's wedding on 13th July) haha.
ask siti, i bombarded her with quite a few questions.
finally, after such a long time, i met up with my beloved PRCP mates (sans Anisah)
haha.. manda, i like the way "sans" sound..

(and i HAD to sit like that.. totally spoilt the picture)

siti my darling.... !

(: natty and sitty my darlings...!

and I shall describe the following pictures by the term Siti and Nat always use..
the "no comment" pictures:

it's clear that i can't fake it in pictures as well as Nat and Min.

photo credits: Nat, her camera, and the other camera-girl forced to take the shot for us.

2008-07-18T18:55:00.008+08:00

i do not want to see anymore prudential agents or sit tru more prudential 'talks' .
My ears will bleed.
The competition within them is killing me.
As it is, no matter how good the plan is.. the way they "fight" for a client piss me. The least they can do then is to appear to genuinely want the best for a client. Even if it means not having that particular commission going into their bank accounts.

And if they really want to help people save. then don't CHOOSE clients based on their dressing.

Why is it that when i'm wearing my nursing uniform or office attire while working at Jill's, you come to me and rattle on about saving.
And when i'm in normal tee and jeans you look pass me , stretch out your hand and walk straight to the next person in crisp white blouse, chic black skirt and fashionable stilletos. Don't the people wearing ordinary tees, jeans and flip flops need to save too?

2008-07-11T12:14:00.009+08:00

When bestfriends make funny faces and turns crazy in the midst of our photo-taking sessions. (: a random HUGE shoutout to nana: BESSIE I LOVE YOU!!!
the pictures below are just a few of the thousands of pictures we have together. (:

If you look tru' our albums: you'll notice that nana has a few shots of her doing this "mouth-open-in-a-huge-O". She looks like the masked-person from the Scream movies!

nana says: "hrrrrmmm. i've got NICE JUICY LIPS" (or rather dry lips. ooopps. should have put on lipgloss before taking the picture)

my monkey face.

greedy pretty nana!

Thank You Lord for the life You've given me, for the family and the home You've placed me in, and for the wonderful people You've allowed me to share my life with. Thank You for everything.

2008-07-03T18:38:00.002+08:00

"encountered" an angry parent today. The first i've seen so fumed in my 4 weeks so far.
Angry parents are not to be trifled with!
They can scare the crap out of you.

Stuff to add in my list of "things-to-buy" :

- OSIM foot massager!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
- And that nice sporty-looking, black, mary-jane nike shoe with the logo in gold, i saw one staff wearing. (: 'cos i'm guessing it would be even more comfortable as compared to my crocs.

Haha.
And there's a cute looking doctor from Hongkong in my ward. Note - he's young and he's a registrar.

2008-06-22T21:33:00.005+08:00

Matthew 24

vs4: "Jesus answered: 'Watch out that no one decieves you. vs5 For many will come in my name claiming, 'I am the Christ, and will decieve many. Vs6 You will hear of wars and rumors of wars, but see to it that you are not alarmed. Such things will happen, but the end is still to come. vs7 Nation will rise against nation, and kingdom against kingdom. There will be famines and earthquakes in various places. vs8 All these are beginning of birth pains."

Just few weeks back there was the earthquake in China, and late this week we hear of the typhoon striking Philippines. For the past few months we know that there is rice shortages and that prices for food are rising. Even before all these recent happenings, we know of other disasters around the world.

How long's the gap between all these?

Dad opened his sermon today with a mention that every 5 minutes a child dies of hunger.

Look at me, i get grumpy when food does not come to the table quickly, when mom cooks the same dishes for days. Look at me, i sleep comfortably, i wake up and feel secured that there's a home, a place of rest that i can come to after a long day at work, and yet sadly, take all these for granted.

Look at me, i fume like mad when Janan breaks my pencil eyeliner/eye shadow and i have to get new ones or when mom clears and changes the way i place my stuff in my room...

What are all these.. compared to those who are not able to enjoy the joys of having a family, a home, not having good food to eat, or those who cannot have pleasures like going out and enjoying time with good friends.

"Dear God, help me to be aware of the happenings around the world. Help me to look at everything with a prayerful heart. One that is not selfish or self-glorifying. My life is not my own. My life is Yours Lord. let me be a blessing to those around me and to those I'll meet. Help me to be aware that my problems, my petty wants are insignificant, compared to the hunger and the pain of the children, of families suffering in the world. Insignificant compared to the homeless.

Help me to be aware of all these things..when i eat, when i'm with my friends, when i laugh help me to be aware of the suffering that many my age, young children are going tru'. That i'll look at my life with a thankful heart and at the same time, pray for all of them. Amen "

"Hungry Already" (Alvin), "Nissan Susi" (Manda), "Tired OK" (me), "Mmmmmm!!" (Dot).

Nana did not make any "blunders" that night, bet she's thankful for that. (:

2008-06-18T19:35:00.007+08:00

Fell sick last wednesday with fever, felt really hot and lethargic so i slept at 830pm and when my alarm rang the next morning, mom's hand straightaway reached out to touch my neck.
I knew she purposedly woke up in the middle of the night to cont' giving me my medicine, but i wasn't aware that she actually came over to sleep beside me on my bed. Mothers make the best nurses.

Been working for coming to two weeks now, and i'm ENJOYING it. (: The staff are nice, and am on joking terms with most of them. The good thing about being in a ward where most of the staff are in their 20s means that working is a whole lot more fun. When they teach you, they are pretty patient and kind.
Sure, there are cliques and strong friendships going on, they've known each other more than they've known me.. and that's understandable. Friendships can't be rushed. It takes time for friendships to start. It starts from little seedlings, and with patience, time, watering (communication) the little seedlings starts to grow.
How did Nana and I became strong, bestfriends? It was 'cos of the time we spent with each other. We were not close right from the start.
It was after all the phone calls (almost everyday), camps, Misait.. all those years of constant communication. If you asked me 3-4 years ago, i will say that Nana doesn't know everything about me, there were somethings i kept secret.
But if you ask me now, i'll tell you that there are NO secrets between me and her.
If you asked me or her 8 years ago, whether we thought we were gonna be bestfriends, we'll tell you 'no'. Friendships takes time, understanding, and to a certain extent, some level of chemistry. However, just 'cause one thinks that there's no chemistry as of yet, it doesn't mean that one can't be close friends with another in time to come. If you straightaway draw that line in friendships, you'll find yourself at the end that does/may not benefit you at all. You may never find the special friend that you need in that person just because of your own judgement of him/her.

Back to the ward, I thank God that i get to meet all these wonderful, great people and work with them instead. And like what Manda told me last week, God will not leave me hanging, He will provide me with good friendships. I'll trust God on that. (:

The children are all so lovable. (: Fallen in love with three little infants in the ward. Ahhhh.. how i love holding them, feeding and lullabying them to sleep. I'm gonna make an AWESOME mommy next time! Haha, any of you have trouble bathing your infants, your free to ask me for my help! (:
Working in a children's ward also means i get to enjoy the same treats they do too!
Last week a group of young adult volunteers came to our ward to make those animal shaped balloons. They made for us too! For quite some time, they were standing right in front of the counter making balloons for us nurses. (:
I took home two balloon-dogs that day (one burst along the way).

Just today a magician/illusionist came to the ward, and guess who were his first audience? Not the kids BUT US nurses (: He too parked himself right in front of the counter, near to where i was sitting (directly opposite) and did a couple of tricks! If you were a visitor you'd be amazed to see a whole bunch of nurses and one doctor staring him down, trying to figure out his tricks while going "waaahhhh" "oooohhh" "whaaattt?" "howw??" and "hahahahaha".

I'm not regretting. KKH is the place for me. Children's ward is the place for me. (:
For this season, i should say.

*thank you Lord for opening this door, for answering my prayers, thank you for the ward you've placed me in, for the wonderful colleagues, thank you*

2008-06-09T21:45:00.007+08:00

First day at work.
It was, well, okay.. a little bored at times, blur at other times (okay, i shall say blur at all times) and a little lonely. Haha, but i do know that it takes time for friendships to start (:

Just now when i met the staff i kept thinking to myself, "gosh, these people are gonna be my family for i-dont-know-how-long".. I got a shock when the afternoon staffs came into the ward. There were so many young nurses! Nurses around my age group. Early 20s, middles 20s. Most of the staff in the ward are young!
I'm the "newest" staff, so most of the time i was following some staff and listening while they orientated me and if i'm not doing that then i'm hanging around awkwardly.
But the staff are nice la.
Some will motion for me to sit down instead of standing/leaning on the counter.

During the moments when i was sitting down, trying to read an extremely word-y protocol on sedation, which clearly i wasn't paying much real attention to, i would occasionally look up and scan the whole ward, watch the staff.. the walls are painted lilac and purple, the staff seem to be fun people..I know i'd get used to it, I'll like working here soon enough (:

God is good, you all do know how i desired to be in a children's ward?
The HR lady told me that I wouldn't know which ward i'd get into until today itself. Initially i was worry-ing, but i became kinda confident that i'll be posted into a childrens' ward because of the prayers and prophecies prayed over me during camp (MSG session was GREAT). I trusted God, and so yes, I'm a staff nurse working for the children and their parents now.
There's another prayer that God answered, and this was something extra that i wanted: that i won't work in a C class ward. I'm in a B2 class ward, and they've got aircon. (:

2008-05-29T15:03:00.011+08:00

I'm dying to write about my china trip. But i feel it'll be better if i had the pictures to come along with it - their all with uncle ban. UNCLLLEEEE BAAAANNNN GIIIVVVEEE UUUSSSS OOONNNNEEEEEE COOOPPPPYYYY SOOOONNNN! (:

oh well, nevermind. i shall post some of my favourite graduation pictures here on my blog. The photos are definitely not new because me in my excitement have not just uploaded it on facebook but on my friendster too.

janan, dani (my favouritest in class) and BF! (:

Anyway, there's this book that i bought from the Christian bookshop during my trip in Philippines.

"Let me be a Woman" by Elizabeth Elliot.

She wrote the book as a gift to her daughter actually, but it was published to encourage other women alike. I'm still in the first few chapters but the book has spoken so much to me already. I'll type out some extracts and hope that you may be encouraged by it as well.

"In order to learn what it means to be a woman, we must start with the One who made her"

From Chapter 4 - "A Daughter, not a Son"

"To understand the meaning of womanhood we have to start with God. If He is indeed the 'Creator of all things visible and invisible" He is certainly in charge of all things, visible and invisible , stupendous and miniscule, magnificent and trivial. God has to be in charge of details if He is going to be in charge of the overall design.
We sometimes hear the expression ' the accident of sex,' as though one's being a man or a woman were a triviality. It is very far from being a triviality. It is our nature. It is the modality under which we live all our lives, it is what you and I are called to be - called by God, this God who is in charge. It is our destiny, planned, ordained, fulfilled by an all-wise, all-powerful, all-loving God."

It's not that i'm not happy to be a woman. I am. So many times i thank God that I am born a girl. But what struck me the most here was that God is in charge of details. Even the minute things that we sometimes see not important. Me being a woman has a purpose, has a reason, it's intertwined with the destiny He has made for me. Nothing happens by chance.

Elizabeth later says,

"If you believe in a God who controls the big things, you have to believe in a God who controls the little things. It is we, of course, to whom things look 'little' or 'big'..."

Recently, while watching an episode of the show "En-bloc" this comment was made by the youngest son right before the announcement/finalization of whether there is to be an en-bloc or not. There was a group of Christians praying at the corner and he asked his mum what were they praying for. When his mum explained to him, he said something like this "You mean to say, that the Lord of all creation will take time from His busy schedule just for an En-bloc?" with a snigger.
It's only a show, i know. But i'm sure that particular thought is not new at all. Yes, the Lord of all Creation will take time off to listen to our prayers. Even if the prayers may be weird, small requests? Why? Because He not only created us, but He loves us with such a love that no one on earth can give or shower us with.

And here comes my favourite chapters.

Chapter 9 - Single Life - A Gift

"What we are is a gift, and like other gifts, chosen by the Giver alone. We are not presented with an array of options. What would you like to be? How tall? What color? What temperament would you prefer? Which parents would you choose as forebears?..."

"But having now spent more than forty-one years single, I have learned that it is indeed a gift. Not one that i would choose. Not one many women would choose. But we do not choose gifts remember? We are given them by a divine Giver who knows the end from the beginning, and wants above all else to give us the gift of Himself. It is within the sphere of circumstances He chooses for us - single, married, widowed- that we recieve Him it is there and nowhere else that He makes himself known to us. It is there we are allowed to serve Him."

Chapter 10 - One Day At A Time

"One lady in her sixties still declares that she does not have what Paul calls the gift of single life. She has lived these sixty years without it for God has assured her, she assures me, that he has a husband for her somewhere. She has only to wait for him to appear. She may be right that God has a husband for her. I think she's wrong in saying she hasn't had the gift of single life. She has had it all her life. God may yet give her the gift of marriage, for many of His gifts may be given for only a part of a lifetime."

"I know of three Christians who had for a short time the gift of healing other people and then it was withdrawn. Why should He not give single life for most of a lifetime and then give marriage? Or may He not give marriage and then, sometimes early in life, widowhood?"

"Single life may be only a stage of a life's journey, but even stage is a gift."

Not that i want to be single all my life laaaaa. Hahahahaha. Only God and my closest friends know ((: hee, But i trust God for the best person for me, at the right time. While waiting and seeking, i shall enjoy my single years while preparing to be the best person in character for him, whoever he is.
HAHAHAHA.
oh dear. i don't know why i'm actually typing that here.

2008-05-27T03:10:00.003+08:00

My Letter To A Certain Someone called Annonymous

27 May 2008
123 Zoo Zoo Lane
Singapore 987654
Tel: 1500-who-are-you

Re: Your Mysterious Identity

Dear Annonymous,
Incase you have forgotten, you have promised me to reveal your identity during/after my graduation day. My graduation day was on Thursday, May 22 2008, but you have yet to tell me who you are. So please tag my tagboard really soon. Please kindly get back to me. Your response (tag) would be greatly appreciated. Thank you for your cooperation.

Yours Sincerely,
Sheela.