The Reason

"We are the reason that He gave His life
We are the reason that He suffered and died
To a world that was lost He gave all He could give
To show us the reason to live"

There have been so many moments when I lose the reason in all that I do.
When life doesn't seem to have much joy anymore, when I wake up and start my day looking forward to end it, when everything starts being a drag.

It's the same at work.

There have been soooo many moments that I feel like just walking away.
How nice it is, to leave everything behind. To go somewhere far from it all. So that I don't have to hear the call bells, the cries, "Nuurrseee!" or doctors, nurses, pharmacists and all those who remembers my name saying "Sheela, could you _____ "

I want to do more. But I don't know what "more" is.

Will I be content being a nurse for kids and working shifts in the hospital?

Will I be content being a housewife and looking after my own kids, watching every detail as they grow, cleaning the house and making sure everything is in order?

Will I be content doing extra hours somewhere else if I do choose to leave nursing, earning more than enough so that I could spend on myself, with much shopping and pampering?

What will I really be content with and how would I know?

I wanna do something that makes me genuinely happy, but what is it really?

What's the real reason behind all this that I'm doing?

there are some things/people you know that are as good as gone.

easy how friendships stops so fast. when once upon a time, i somehow mattered but now i don't.

Proverbs 16: 1-4

vs 1: "To man belong the plans of the heart but from the Lord comes the reply of the tongue"

Baffling. What does vs 1 really mean? "To man belong the plans of the heart". In our hearts resides our thoughts and desires. Plans we are set upon on doing, those that we have built in our hearts. Our hearts are usually entangled with our emotions and feelings.

The heart skips and dances to music when it's in love
The heart turns heavy when it's sad
The heart pounds when it's angry.

A man/woman makes choices and says things based on what his/her heart is feeling or going tru'. A man plans his life and it's moments, those that he can control, based on his heart.

"but from the Lord comes the reply of the tongue" A reply is a response to something that was said or done. Put these two sentences together, and what does it mean?

Looking at and studying it, i realized that God has got a response to what we have set our hearts on doing. We may make a list of a million things to do, but what does God have to say about them?

vs 2: "All a man's ways seem innocent to him, but motives are weighed by the Lord"

When it comes to doing things our way, we fight for it and come up with reasons to justify why we want it such. What may look good to us, may not really be so. What sounds and looks enticing, like a good bullet-proof plan, may not be so in the end. How sure are we? God looks not only into our plans, He looks beyond it and into the heart that makes them.

vs 3: "Commit to the Lord whatever you do and your plans will succeed."

vs 4: "The Lord works out everything for His own ends - even the wicked for a day of disaster"

I cannot commit something to someone if I'm still holding tightly onto it. To commit would mean "to put into charge or trust". It's to give our situations/circumstances/actions entirely to God. Thrusting it into His hands instead - when we commit to God, we are saying "Here Lord, here are my plans, it may not go the way I want it to go, but i'll still give them all to You".

Proverbs 16: 9: "In his heart a man plans his course, but the Lord determines his steps"

It is a learning process but we need to remember that God has always got the best in mind for you and I.
The relationship we have with time is only limited to this current moment. All we can do when it comes to the future is to make little plans and notes of what we can and are able to do.
It is only God who knows and is able to see what would really happen.

Dear Jesus, You're Amazing and to You i lift my heart
Jesus, You're Beautiful and to You i lift up my eyes
My face forever tilted towards heaven
I've faltered and swayed
Your faithfulness I'm in awe
I've stumbled and fell
Your mercy and Your grace I'm in awe
I love You
and all my life, i want to love You
Take my life and make it whole
For I can't do this on my own

"Here with Me" by Mercy Me

I long for your embrace
Every single day
To meet you in this place
And see you face to face

Will you show me?
Reveal yourself to me
Because of your mercy
I fall down on my knees

And I can feel your presence here with me
Suddenly I'm lost within your beauty
Caught up in the wonder of your touch
Here in this moment I surrender to your love

You're everywhere I go
I am not alone
You call me as your own
To know you and be known

You are holy
And I fall down on my knees

I can feel your presence here with me
Suddenly I'm lost within your beauty
Caught up in the wonder of your touch
Here in this moment I surrender to your love

I surrender to your grace
I surrender to the one who took my place

It's the climb

"There's always gonna be another mountain. I'm always gonna wanna make it move. Always gonna be an uphill battle. Sometimes I'm gonna have to lose. Ain't about how fast I get there. Ain't about what's waiting on the other side. It's the climb"

Proverbs 12: 18: "Reckless words pierce like a sword but the tongue of the wise brings healing"
Proverbs 15: 2: " The tongue of the wise commands knowledge, but the mouth of the fool gushes folly"

This battle at work doesn't seem to be ending. Everytime I'm settled - there's always something that'll happen to change it. Just that Lord, help me so that in my anger I do not sin or say things that are wrong and harsh. If there is nothing pleasant for me to say, help me control my tongue and to choose my words instead.

It's frustrating, I'm close to tears when i think or talk about it, however I guess, it's the journey and what I learn in the meantime that should matter more. "It's the climb"

Miley Cyrus may not have been thinking about You Lord when she sang this. Maybe not even the song-writer/s too. However just as the lyrics say, I'll keep my faith even if things aren't going the way I want "Sometimes I'm gonna have to lose"
I'll just keep trusting in You.

There's a need for continual asking of forgiveness. A continual atonement of sins.
There's not one person who's able to by his own might and accord, able to walk pure and blameless. 'Cause our hearts are corrupt and thoughts evil by nature. Not one, other than our Lord Jesus, walked this earth without sin.

God's blood is always ready for those who recieve Him.
A fact that will never change. his blood cleanses all, wipes away all.
But why then, do we still sin day by day?

I believe the same way God's love shows through the blood and the nails, it's the same love that allows us the freedom of choice, even if some that we make causes God to grieve, sadness in His eyes and pain in His heart.

Years back, when Daniel or Solomon was still in children's church, and when i was serving as a cellgroup leader/helper, he asked Chris, why can't God make us, everyone, love Him then. Surely He has the power to make everyone fall in love and obey and follow His ways.
Chris answered that it's cause God wants us to choose.

Sure, a snap of His fingers and the entire universe can adore Him. but God, our gentle God, does not want robots worshipping Him. He wants hungry hearts who chooses to worship Him.

Everyday we have got to choose to cleanse our hearts with His blood.
Everyday, we've got to choose between doing what we know is right and pleasing to God or doing things that are sin.
Everyday we have got to fight the beast in us.
Thankfully, we know and can be assured that, when we call out to Jesus, He'll give us the strength to overcome. Thank God for His grace.

Ephesians 5: 8-10: "For you were once in darkness, but now you are light in the Lord. Live as children of light (for the fruit of the light consists in all goodness, righteousness and truth) and find out what pleases the Lord"

Hebrews 10:22: "Let us draw near to God with a sincere heart heart in full assurance of faith, having our hearts sprinkled to cleanse us from a guitly concience and having our bodies washed with pure water"

1 Thessalonians 4:7: "For God did not call us to be impure, but to live with a holy life"

Ephesians 1:7: "In Him we have redemption through His blood, the forgiveness of sins, in accordance with the riches of God's grace"

1 Corinthians 15:10: "By by the grace of God I am what I am, and His grace to me was not without effect"

"God gives eternal choices, and these choices have eternal consequences. Isn't this the reminder of Calvary's trio? Ever wonder why there were two crosses next to Christ? Why not six or ten?
Ever wonder why Jesus was in the centre? Why not on the far right or far left? Could it be that the two crosses on the hill symbolize one of God's greatest gifts? The gift of choice."

"The two criminals have so much in common. Convicted by the same system. Condemned to the same death. Surrounded by the same crowd. Equally close to Jesus. In fact, they begin with the same sarcasm: 'the two criminals also said cruel things to Jesus' (Matt 27:44 CEV"

"But one changed"

"Does not the shepherd leave the ninety-nine sheep and pursue the one lost? Does not the housewife sweep the house until the lost coin is found? Yes, the shepherd does, the housewife does, but the father of the prodigal, remember, does nothing.
The sheep was lost innocently.
The coin was lost irresponsibly.
But the prodigal son left intentionally. The father gave him the choice. Jesus gave both criminals the same"

"How could two men see the same Jesus and one choose to mock Him and the other choose to pray to Him? I don't know, but they did. And when one prayed, Jesus loved him enough to save Him. And when the other mocked, Jesus loved him enough to let him. He allowed him the choice. He does the same for you"

- Max Lucado's "He chose the Nails"
Chapter 6 "I will let you choose"

"He shall reign forever"

Do i believe that every change would probably have gone tru with God before it could happen to me? Will i believe that God probably allowed them for a reason?
I dislike changes unless it's something I've planned for or have prepared for. Even if this change is for a short while.
But can I say, am i willing to say, that it is well with my soul?

Talking to all my friends though have helped me in putting it all into perspective. When Alvin mentioned that maybe when I'm in a place far away and I'm faced in a situation where there are bad wounds, cuts, burns. Then I'll look back and thank God for this experience.

It's been three days at the new ward. I whispered to Rages before i left yesterday that all these are new to me, and I actually would like to learn. That day i observed a dressing I haven't quite seen before. I just don't like the ward culture 'cause I come from a ward where our teamwork is awesome and all my colleagues are nice and fun people to be around.

Having worked in a positive environment for the past one year and a half isn't making it easy for me to accept this new setting. On my first day itself, the ward sister told the three of us that her ward girls wouldn't come out to teach us but would assume that we know and don't have to be guided.
Honestly? You're actually saying that?

Maybe i'm putting up my experiences and expectations against this ward cause I came from one that's entirely different from this one. To that, Nana told me that it's like I've come down from heaven to earth.

A ward becomes a family, 'cause majority of my time, if i'm not at home, I'm at work. And we don't change colleagues. Look around across the entire nation and most nurses would have come from and stayed in one ward for a long period of time unless they request for a transfer or resign etc.
I asked Mama Keu how long has she been in Ward 85 before she was deployed to Ward 61 during the H1N1 period, and her answer stunned me. 10 years. Since the ward FIRST opened. There's the reason why I'm so attached to my colleagues and don't like the idea that we're all split up.

I'm not as fired up as last week.
And I'm trying to give my frustrations to God and continue learning to trust in Him.
No one may want to take the initiative guide/teach me. It's okay, I'll pray and ask God for His wisdom instead.

It will be well with my soul.

Never once did you stop to think about how we feel. You push us around with no regards of the effort we have put in. I don't mind change if it's warranted for but if changes are made just 'cause you cannot make up your silly minds, there's only too much we can take. You'll lose all the good ones one by one and then there'll be none. Still i don't think you'll even care or realise. I detest you. I really do.

You opened up three wards in June for H1N1. We only knew about the deployment the day before or on that day we go to work. We heard it not from you, but from our colleagues. That I can do. I'm a nurse and i don't mind. One and a half month into it - H1N1 was too widespread. Instead of allowing us to return to our original wards, we stayed on permanent. You said we needed new wards.

Two months later, you start closing the wards that were needed. I heard of nurses crying. Morales low. Then we start hearing another ward would close down. About the same time an email was circled out stating that we at 61 (us and our new colleagues we've gotten used to working with) would move down to 31. In that emailed circled out all over, the move was scheduled for the 28th. On the 23rd, you walk in, high and mighty. Telling us everything's changed. We'll no longer function as a ward. We'll no longer work together. Instead we're breaking us up and moving us all over.

This when we've grown to be comfortable.

You don't see the pain we grow tru. It wasn't easy looking after the H1N1s. You threw us into deep waters. We didn't know what to do. But we got tru it. It was supposed to be temporary, you told us. We'd be back in our own wards once it tides over. But when it did - there were new plans. You decided that there weren't enough respiratory wards to handle the influx of patients. 61 became permanent. Two months after, when we've picked up. When we're working and functioning well. You decide to split us up. Temporary again and then we'll be back together, that's what you say. I know better than to trust you on that.

And these are just the changes I've experienced, The changes my ward went and is going tru. I've yet to chronicle the changes other wards have gone through.
I have yet to type of the massive internal change of system you have scheduled us for in the coming week.

Authority is useless when you misuse it.
It's useless when you've shown time and time again how you don't deserve the respect you're credited for.

I've come to love my colleagues, my ward, the surroundings, and you take it all away. Just like that. And then you still expect us to bring up the service sector of the hospital. How do we do that when we ourselves are dissappointed so many times.

How can i desire to work hard and be loyal and bring glory to you when i don't see the reason to.

I no longer respect you. You don't deserve any from us.

You've made me hate the idea of going to work. I haven't stopped crying. My friends tell me not to waste my tears, but i can't help it when i'm feeling this hurt and sad.

It's been a long time since but i've started tearing again now, when i think about work. It's draining me out physically and mentally.

"Perhaps after all our worries and questions, we'll discover that all along God had the right thing at the right time for us. Perhaps His plan is more wonderful than anything we could create by ourselves - whether it comes with 'pomp and blare' or quietly, 'like an old friend'. Perhaps...perhaps...we should entrust our questions of 'how' and 'who' and 'when?' into His tender care." - Joshua Harris.

Lord take my life and make it whole.
Take all of me and make me Yours.
No turning back, so that my eyes are set on You.
I want to fall deeper and deeper in love with You.

There is no one else for me
None but Jesus.

All my delight is in You Lord.
Forever more.

"The steadfast love of the Lord never ceases
His mercies never come to an end
They are new every morning
New every morning
Great is thy Faithfulness Oh Lord
Great is thy Faithfulness"


"How Great is our God
Sing with me
How Great is our God
And all will see
How Great, How Great is our God.

The splendor of the King
Clothed in majesty
Let all the earth rejoice
All the earth rejoice
He wraps Himself in light
And darkness tries to hide
And trembles at His voice
Trembles at His voice

Age to age He stands
And time is in His hands
Beginning and the endm, beginning and the end
The Godhead three in one
Father, Spirit and Son
The lion and the lamb
The lion and the lamb

Name above all Names
Worthy of our praise
My heart will sing
How great is our God"

Internet at home is lagging, so much so that it's getting frustrating sitting here infront of the computer. My blog page doesn't look quite right either.
Facebook takes such a long time, every time i press "home" it gives me that lightning white blank with the word "Done" at the bottom.

All the more i find spending a minute trying to see the updates irritating as it takes an eternity before i can actually see them. So, for those i haven't been sending emails/messages to for a long time. This is the reason why.
How I'm able to sit here and type all this with such patience, even I am amazed.
Well, typing is one thing, pressing the link "Publish" and being able to see my new post in a matter of seconds, like how blogspot has always faithfully done for me, is another. I'm gonna copy this entire post once i'm done with it just in case Molly, my internet connection, decides to give me another one of her surprises by giving me a blank or that famous internet error page. Molly acts up once every now and then, i think she's throwing one of her tantrums again.

I was thinking, work is getting rather hard, being able to breathe a huge sigh of relief amidst the scurry of it all can be considered luxury in itself.
What i was thinking and have come to realize was, i don't nurse my patients. I nurse their files, their papers, their charts. I have got sometimes up to 10 files to update. 14 during night shift. Following the changes and treatments rendered to each individual patient. Scribbling my nursing notes. Speeding around the ward, grabbing more papers, attending to calls from pharmacist dept/clerks at the children's emergency, following up on doctors' orders and actually MAKING them happen, attending to patients and their parents everyday needs and wants. Funny how they tell everything to the nurses, their demands but go completely mum in front of the team of doctors complete from the graduates fresh out of med school right up to the big shots. Consultants in other words, who all spends at least 5-7 minutes standing in front of the patient sitted on his/her bed discussing among themselves on the proper treatment plan based on the current condition/blood and other tests results.

Funny how when the team moves on to the next patient and they look at you, doe-eyed, wanting more out of you and the only thing going through your mind was, "didn't they already explain"

Time.

I never have time to nurse. I never have time to sit with the little ones and comfort or play with them. I never have time to poke or tease the older patients, the way i do with my younger friends in church. I never have time to encourage a parent or to allay their anxieties or worries. I'm always wishing i had more time, until i move on to the next thing i've gotta do at work.

I can never put in words what we do during shift either. When people ask, i talk about the regime, what we basically do, but somehow, when i say it out, it feels like i have the time. All the time i need to do and make a good shift.

What you see on the tele is ideal. What you pen on papers are the ideals.

But we deal with humans, with children, with fussy, fidgety children who are scared to be where they are. A glimspe of our cream white and they start screaming, syringes on our hands are enough to make some of them go berserk. Trust me when i say i had to pin myself on a crying child. Trust me when i say i have done it a million times i no longer feel bad. With parents, who cannot seem to make decisions or who just don't know how to. We deal not just with one, or two, or five. How many have i spoken or come in close contact with, to how many have i had this nurse - patient relationship with? So many, those from just three to four weeks back are a blur.

So, coming back to the ideals.

I think they're all just perfect little words typed onto Microsoft Word by some genius who either has never worked as a small fry nurse in a general hospital or clearly has forgotten how is it like to work and wish it could stop.

Facebook still hasn't given me the page i want to see.

I was asked today, how do i know that God is real in my life?
I typed quite abit of reply. However now i do feel that one line for an answer to that question, would be sufficient enough.

'Cause i am loved.

It is when i am with my family, i feel His love.
When i am with my friends, i see His love.
When i am at work, it's His love working in me.
When i go back home to sleep at night, His love surrounds me.

Jesus looks past our physical appearances, looks past our social statuses, looks past our circumstances and loves us all the same, loves us for who we are.
So much that even when he stumbled, tripped, when the cross was too heavy, the wood scarring the skin on his back under the scorching hot sun, amidst all the jeers and the loud curses and shoving by the crowd, it was our names that made Him continue on that road. Our names that were on His mind. It was His love for us that made Him lie on that cross, and His desire for us when he suppressed or maybe ignored the pain as the nails dug thru' His hands and His feet.

I was asked before, why don't i just become a nun?
I typed quite abit of reply. However now i do feel that one line for an answer to that question, would be sufficient enough.

I don't have to be a nun, before i can show the world, that it is Jesus I love.

ooohhh my, this song's sending chills down my spine but not only that, i'm amazed with the voice coming out from this boy!

I can only Imagine, by Mercy Me.

I can only imagine what it will be like
When I walk by your side
I can only imagine what my eyes will see
When your face is before me
I can only imagine

Surrounded by your glory
What will my heart feel?
Will I dance for you Jesus?
Or in awe of you be still?
Will I stand in your presence?
Or to my knees will I fall?
Will I sing hallelujah?
Will I be able to speak at all?
I can only imagine
I can only imagine

I can only imagine when that day comes
And I find myself standing in the Son
I can only imagine when all I will do
Is forever, forever worship you
I can only imagine
I can only imagine

I can only imagine
When all I will do
Is forever, forever worship you
I can only imagine


Thank you Ray, i really like this song (:

I know you've cast my sin as far from the east to the west

Jesus can you just show me how

I miss you, I miss lingering, I miss trusting you and loving you the way i did before

Blessed by what dad told me today. It sure has been long since i last really talked and listened to dad and today's breakfast was good.
How amazing God is, when He speaks to you through people.
When they say statements, in relation to whatever you're going through, and you have yet to tell them about it.
How do they do that? How do they know what to speak into my life?
God is indeed amazing (: He never fails to wonder.

I learn, we all learn.
How do i put it, other than to say that I love what God is doing in my life. Life sure can be a bundle, but i love how we all learn. When we fall, and we get back to our feet.
With each experience, we gain wisdom.
It's during and because of circumstances, we mature.

the current song i'm in love with:
Come back to me, Utada Hikaru

Michael Jackson passed away.
We have heard so much from the media, constant news coverage whether it was bad or good about him the past four years never did i or would i think that i would hear this news.
Death happens. And the reality of it only becomes clear when it happens to a star, or to someone close. Only then will we wake up.
Only then will we wish for more time. When we wish we could do something better, something more, so that our lives will not go to waste.
I don't want mine to go to waste.

So H1N1 is at it's 200s.
You know how is it like to be absolutely blur at work. The registra yesterday was informing about the ministry's plans and what could happen and what we need to be ready for and as i was listening to him, wide eyed and looking up to him not just cos he already towers over me while i'm standing, i was sitting down and looking up to a giant of a man, the only thing going through my mind was "huh? what? come again? huh?"

Complete trust happens when we don't know what to do. when we cannot rely on our own past wisdom and knowledge, when we need to lean onto and be dependant on something else or to someone else. Notice how heads are turned and eyes are looking straight at the ministry and yes, they are doing a good job, thank God for leaders. But you know to whom my eyes are turned to and to whom i put all my trust on?
I put all my trust on you Lord.

byebye ward 3* and hello ward 6*

Madina gave me a ring on thursday, and what she told me made my heart drop and caused fear to come into my heart. Three quarter of us would be deployed to work in a new ward that has been newly opened up for the HINI patients and it would start on Monday.

Yes, I am scared. I've always watched and heard about this from afar. Never had i thought that I would be involved directly in this global fight.

It was the same with SARS in 2003. I was still studying and watching the news or reading the newspapers about it in the comfort of my home. Then again, i was only 15 and the cares of the world then, it's sickness and diseases didn't mattered as much as my own petty cares and woes a teenage girl would face everyday in her life.

The second phone call from Dina caused me to be stunned all the more. Okay, i was getting used to the news. I would be starting on Monday, that gave me three days to prepare myself mentally, "Sister, you better buy all your shampoo, soap and stuff later. Go to work in your own clothes tomorrow, there's no need to wear uniforms. You'd be starting tomorrow. The ward just opened today 'cos there's an overflow of cases, I'm gonna be deployed there tonight"

Weird how when fear strucks you, you can't think, you can't speak.
My fear wasn't for my own but was for my family and my friends as well. I've got a five year old little brother at home!
Do i go home and live life as per usual?
Do i need to stay home?

We were thrown into this deep water, knowing no head or tail about this.
I've only got a year of working experience.
My fear was real, straightaway told my parents and my closest friends about it. And their encouragements came fast.

Yes. I will trust in God.

After two days in the ward, no matter how the higher ups say that we might be working here only for two weeks, until another ward steps up and then we'll be able to return to our own ward.
I doubt that would be the case. In all honesty, to me, looking at it in the natural, it doesn't look like it would be ending anytime soon. I see it as a fight. Something we have gotta pray for and about. No one can see the flu bug, no one would be able to feel that he or she has it, only until tests are done.

We go around living for our moment, not knowing that there are many issues to pray and seek God for. Do we only start praying when someone close to us is struck with a sickness? Do we only start being concern when someone we love is ill?
Life isn't just about our own desires, loves, laughs, wants, enjoyment.
I have got a two year old little girl in my ward with H1N1. Will anyone pray for her?

In terms of work, it isn't too bad actually, we just got to don our PPE all the time and be extra careful and diligent in our handwashing and infection control. On friday, a guy came up and rang our door bell to deliver a patient flowers. He stood there, still, but the moment he saw Rages and I in our whole yellow get up, he got shocked. We walked towards him, laughing 'cause we knew he had questions in his mind, it was written all over his face! We opened the door and he took a step in, to which both Rages and I exclaimed "DON'T COME IN!", it was that, that confirmed it for him. After taking the flowers and confirming the patient's name and signing on the patient's behalf for the flowers, he asked "is this...? do they....?" We nodded our heads and he took a HUGE step BACKWARDS. It was a little funny i must say.

The difference between You and I.
It has grown stark.
Once upon a time, we were similar.
Like one.
Shared the same hopes, values, desires
I doubt it's the same today

Why do i always get suck in, into this same cycle over and over again.
Why do i allow myself to be in such situations over and over again.
Why do i let my heart be hurt over and over again.
Why do i struggle over and over again.

Philippines tomorrow all the way up to 7th May! :D
It's gonna be really hot there.
But Lord, like what Timo shared just now: You're so good. We shouldn't complain.
So use us and let us be a blessing to the kids, the teachers, the youth, the friends, the adults. Amen.





My favourite pictures for the night :D

Love is not a place
To come and go as we please
It's a house we enter in
And then commit to never leave
So lock the door behind you
Throw away the key
We'll work it out together
Let it bring us to our knees

Love is a shelter in a raging storm
Love is peace in the middle of a war
If we try to leave may God send angels to guard the door
No, love is not a fight but it's something worth fighting for

To some, love is a word that they can fall into
But when they're falling out
Keeping that word is hard to do
Love is a shelter in a raging storm
Love is peace in the middle of a war
If we try to leave may God send angels to guard the door
No, love is not a fight but it's something worth fighting for
Love will come to save us, if we'll only call
He will ask nothing from us, but demand we give our all

Love is a shelter in a raging storm
Love is peace in the middle of a war
If we try to leave may God send angels to guard the door
No, love is not a fight but it's something worth fighting for
I would fight for you, would you fight for me?
It's worth fighting for.

Carry My Cross by Third Day

As long as I remember
I've been walking through the wilderness
Praying to the Father
And waiting for my time
I've come here with a mission
And soon I'll give my life for this world

I'm praying in the garden
And I'm looking for a miracle
I find the journey hard but
It's the reason I was born
Can this cup be passed on
Lord, I pray your will be done
In this world

So I'll carry my cross
And I'll carry the shame
To the end of the road
Through the struggle and pain
And I'll do it for love
No, it won't be in vain
Yes, I'll carry my cross
And I'll carry the shame

I feel like I'm alone here
And I'm treated like a criminal
The time has come for me now
Even though I've done no wrong
Father, please forgive them
They know not what they've done
In this world

Three more days and I'll be coming back again
Three more days and I'll be coming back again

What was supposed to be a baby-sitting night for Janan turned out to be a dinner date with the other dear younger brother, Raj instead.
Parents were gonna do visiting/ministry and wanted us to look after Jan and distract him at Causeway Point but he insisted on following Mom and Dad when they dropped us off at Causeway. Thus it was just Raj and I.
He followed me while i shopped for necessities this time (knowing the reactions Dot, J.K, Pearl will give when reading this ;p) Awkwardly waiting at the side while big sister smelt lotions and perfumes/scanned tru' the shelves of creams and then commenting on the amount i spent.

Good training for him right ladies?

We had dinner at Pastamania, and what i loved about it was i got to talk to him, heart to heart, deeper topics. I wished it was longer but it was still good. We talked about his friends, whom he has gotten closer to the past year, we talked about girls, yes, girls, :p, we talked about me, the guys i liked/liked me. He and I have always been open to each other about these things.
I am quite impressed actually, when i asked him if his girlfriend next time has got to be really pretty or have a good body, he answered saying it wouldn't matter (: Tho' he did say she has got to be pleasant looking.

Maybe you think he isn't being honest. But that's a mindset we should all adopt.
When all the good looks fade, when time and age catches up, all you have got left is character. Will you still love him/her the same way you did when he/she was a sweet young thing?
It's easy to be shallow. But i'd want someone, to look at me the way I am inside. Someone to love me, for who I really am, and not because of the way i look like on the outside.

PART 2: EGOISTIC PEOPLE ON THE LOOSE ;p this is my follow up post to the last one i put up.

oooohhh goodness. what's up with me and the people i've been chatting with the past two/three days. Haha. The ego bug has caught up with our dear Sophie too!!!!!!
:D HAHA. AND AGAIN. I'm smiling to myself in front of the computer. I should stop soon 'cos i look like a loon.

2:31pm Sheela Grace
P6?

2:31pm Sophia
p5
not THAT old
he
*hee

2:32pm Sheela Grace
HAHAHAH. OLD?!

2:32pm Sophia
yupyup

2:32pm Sheela Grace
YOU WANNA TALK ABOUT WHO'S OLD?!

2:32pm Sophia
hahahaha

2:33pm Sheela Grace
hahahahahahahahhaahha!!!!you;ve got alot of explaining for yourself to do young lady if i tell this to Dot Nana Alvin they all
hahahahahahhha.
We'd breathe down your back

2:33pm Sophia
teehee
i dun mean that old
i mean that's quite old compared to me!

2:34pm Sheela Grace
oh ho ho ho

2:34pm Sophia
teehee

2:34pm Sheela Grace
hahahahaha saving yourself now huuuhh
hahahahahaha (:
you know im kidding right now right? im not really angry

2:34pm Sophia
teehee sorta
of coz :) i'm too cute to be angry with
heehee

2:34pm Sheela Grace
HAHAHAHAHAHAHASOPHIA SNG I DIDNT KNOW YOU WERE THIS EGOISTIC!
WHAT HAPPENED TO QUIET DEMURE ANGELIC SOPH?!

2:38pm Sophia
hmmm
i dunno :P jkjk
it's the stress heee
still innocent though!

:D goooooodness.

I've got very egoistic friends i tell you. Haha. They sure provide entertainment and always cause me to laugh/snigger to myself in front of the computer/alone reading my smses.

Here's a little bit of the conversation between Naz and I on MSN.
hahaha. and as usual i did some publicity for Nat 7.
Friends who chat with me on MSN would ask me about the song i'm listening to (it's shown on my display name, and i have been listening to their songs for the past two weeks), now i'm seriously considering typing and saving my intro of Nat 7 on Microsoft word, so i could just copy and paste it in future (:


naz says (10:50 AM):
yeah i understand now

naz says (10:51 AM):
some ppl loves to stalk those they are attracted to coz they are afraid of rejections but dont wori sheela dont beat around the bush ok. hahahahahahaha

sheela grace espinosa pandian says (10:51 AM):
HAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHA
silly naz

naz says (10:58 AM):
eh anw wat song r u listening to uh?

sheela grace espinosa pandian says (10:59 AM):
its by this cool "band" Naturally 7 who's more than just an acapella group
they imitate instruments

sheela grace espinosa pandian says (11:00 AM):
so all the drum beats violin guitars bass saxophone flute sounds you hear all come from their voices (:
and they're so good. i watched their performance at Esplanade two sundays ago
heeheehee. and my friend Alvin got us front row seats
HEART MELTS

naz says (11:00 AM):
hahahahaha

naz says (11:01 AM):
lucky u neva see me at esplanate
ade*

sheela grace espinosa pandian says (11:01 AM):
hahahahaha. my heart melted more because of the guy who sings the bass.
siggggh.
my lovely lovely bass

naz says (11:01 AM):
if nottt i tell u

sheela grace espinosa pandian says (11:01 AM):
HAHAHAHAHAHHA. EH STOP AH
HHAHAHAHHAHAHAHHAHAHHAHAA

naz says (11:01 AM):
u become like chocolote fondue i tell u

sheela grace espinosa pandian says (11:01 AM):
nothing beats my lovely bass
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHA

sheela grace espinosa pandian says (11:02 AM):
wahhhlooouu nazzzzz!

naz says (11:02 AM):
hahahaha

sheela grace espinosa pandian says (11:02 AM):
hahahaha. THE WHOLE OF OUR CONVERSATION has been about you and YOUR EGO!

naz says (11:02 AM):
hahaha

sheela grace espinosa pandian says (11:03 AM):
i told you im selective of those i stalk and i stalk my lovely bass. thats it.
hahahahah. sooorrrryyy nazzzzz

naz says (11:03 AM):
sure or notttt
i dont believe u

(: the whole topic of who's stalking who came up when i asked him about Brunei and him being a medic, information that another friend (who happens to be his camp-mate right now) told me when we realized we both know Naz.
Here's another conversation i had, this time tru' sms:

Shafi'ie 1 Apr 2009, 18:50
"Just curious, do you think i look the same or abit different"

Me 18:53
"The same. Haha. Just that got no hair now"

Shafi'ie 18:57
"Dang. Thot mayb i became cuter or wat with short hair. Hahaha."

Hahahaha. Seriously. :D Friends like these crack me up.

"A woman is not born a woman. Nor does she become one when she marries a man, bears a child and does their dirty linen, not even when she joins a women's liberation movement. A woman becomes a woman when she becomes what God wants her to be" - Quoted from the book "Learning to be a Woman"

"This priceless truth can help keep your perspective clear in relation to true fulfillment in life. Too many Christian women think that the inner longings of their heart relate only to love, marriage, and motherhood. Look a little closer and see if that longing isn't untimately for Jesus."

"Gary Chapman once remarked , "I feel very strongly that marriage is not a higher calling than the single state. Happy indeed are those people, married or single, who have discovered that happiness is not found in marriage but in a right relationship with God." Fulfillment for a Christian woman begins with the Lordship of Christ in every area of her life."

"A college professor (wife, mother of seven children, singer, and author) told a group of young women that when she was eight years old, her mother told her a secret that has guided her perspective on life. The most important thing her mother would ever tell her was, ' No one, not even the man you will marry one day, can make you happy - only Jesus can. ' What a profound statement for such a little girl. This secret allowed her to grow up following Jesus with reckless abandonment"

"When a single woman enters a career or even marriage without understanding that she is complete in Christ, she will be disillusioned and dissatisfied. Incompleteness is not the result of being single, but of not being full of Jesus. Only the process of reckless abandonment to Jesus does any woman ever finally understands that, in Him, she is complete."

"When two "incomplete" singles get married, their union will not make them complete. Their marriage will be simply two "incomplete" people trying to find completeness in one another. Only when they understand that their fullness is found in a relationship with Jesus will they ever begin to complement one another.They can never complete one another. You were not created to complete another but to complement. Completion is Jesus' responsibility and complementing is a woman's (hee, and for the guys: or a man's) priveledge." wow. i've never seen in this way. i thought i was made to complete someone, but then this truth seems to jump out at me. Everytime i read this line again, my heart seems to skip a beat. We can never be able to complete someone. because only Jesus can. Only He can fill that hole in the hearts of people, men and women alike. And even if we try hard enough to "complete" someone, maybe a friend, we will never be able to satisfy, the way Jesus does.

"A woman not complete in Jesus will be a drain on her husband. Such a woman will expect her husband to fill the gap that only Jesus can fill. Only the single woman who understands this means of being complete in Jesus is mature enough to be a helpmeet (complement)"


The above excerpts taken, here and there, from the current book i'm reading, "Lady in Waiting" by Jackie Kendall & Debby Jones


I want to fall madly and deeply in love with Jesus, before i do a man.

I want to use my single days completely sold out to Him, because a single man/woman has got something valuable, that married men and women may not be able to spare, and it's time.

Jesus, it's Your presence that I long for, Your face that I seek and Your Name that I love

HAHA. Brave me decided to chat with GARFIELD BUCKLEY OF NATURALLY 7 on fb.
oh gosh. They really are so nice! He could choose not to reply me, but he still did. It is hard to have fame and yet still be so humble and it's heartwarming when we see stars having that quality.

I'm so exicited. I'm gonna rave about it NOW! :D and show off.
I'm sorry.. when it comes to this I can't keep quiet.
Haha. I have been joking and telling all those friends I have been raving about, that they are my victims. Really. There was Debs, Morven, Shahul, Lilian, Estella, Jaya, Mariam, Haresh and Kevin. To all of them i have raved about and swooned over Nat 7!

11:03am Sheela Grace
Hello hello Garfield! Its been 4 days and my friends and i are still pretty much hyped out about your performance in Spore. (:
God bless you guys. Its great when we listen carefully and hear that most of your songs are directed to God. Your group's such a blessing and for that, May God continue to bless and enrich you guys more.

11:23am Garfield
awww thank you sooo much Sheela...it was a pleasure singing in Spore we had a great time there thanks a lot

11:24am Sheela Grace
HAHA. well im sure we hope we made an impression just like you did all of us! (:

11:24am Garfield
well yes you did
remember this is our second time coming there

11:25am Sheela Grace
Yeaaa! And when will be the next? we're eagerly awaiting plus we have been raving about N7 to all the friends who did not come. :D

11:25am Garfield
but you meet different people each time too
so hopefully the next time we come back there i'll see you :-)

11:26am Sheela Grace
sure you will! We'll make sure we'll come again and get the front row seats. it was a treat (:

11:27am Garfield
awww well im glad you enjoyed yourself

11:29am Sheela Grace
hee. yeap. i did. So, take care! And enjoy all the other gigs and get more cds out in Spore toooooo. Haha. okay, ill not take much of your time. It has been a couple of days/week of gigs non-stop right? God bless you again and send my regards to the rest too. (:

11:42am Garfield
will do all the best


oh my goodness.
You don't wanna know what state I am in right now!

(: (: (: (: (:

Like Nana, no amount of smiles can tell you how happy/excited I am.

Hee, and I'm excited and yet nervous about tomorrow. Going there having no idea what I will be doing and what it is for. Need to start practising my smiles. All i know I gotta go back to work today tho' it's my day off and collect the KK Hospital jacket my ward sister, Sister K borrowed for me.

I'll write again soon what Sister K told me over the phone last night! Hahaha. She cracks me up all the time, and I like her as a person. She's probably the funniest and most DOWN-TO-EARTH, most personal Ward Sister I have.


To the parents of my dear Bed 9,
I'm sorry it happened. I can only imagine the pain You both are going tru'.
When i recalled how the two of you said "thank you" to us when leaving our ward for the ICU, the more hurt I am. And to think that You were one of the nicest parents we had.
My heart stopped for a moment when I heard the news and I teared on my way home. If only we could turn back time. At 13 years, it's far too early.
I can and will pray that God will give you strength to tide over this.

BACK FROM NATURALLY 7'S CONCERT AT ESPLANADE!


AHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!! (: (: (:

FRONT ROW SEATS! *THANKS ALVIN!!!!!!!!!!!*

THEY REMEMBERED US!!!
during the autograph session, Dwight and Garfield asked/confirmed with me and Nana if we were the ones seating at the first row! :D :D :D :D and we were one of the last few to have our CDs signed, so it's amazing plus touching that they remembered us.

HOP'S (the bass) VOICE SWOONED ME OVER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Manda, Dot!!! I agree that basses are HOT ;p hehehe.
(:

We waited to take a picture with them, but the people working at Esplanade were pushing them to leave and we missed them by a few seconds :( BUT HOP REMEMBERED THAT WE WANTED TO TAKE A PHOTO WITH THEM and HE TURNED BACK AND MOTIONED FOR A PHOTO, but the guy was ushering him away!!!!!!!

AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH. *MELTING*

At least we managed to take a photo with Roger!

OH NO! I SOUND LIKE A CHILD!!!!

BUT I REALLY DID ENJOYED EVERY BIT OF THE PERFORMANCE!!!!
They have got such great, beautiful voices, are such REAL TALENT and knowing that they are Christians and using their voices to give glory to God, really is an inspiration! Most of their songs are about/to God! The performance was splendid, and i loved how they added humour to it, and how they always end with a "God bless"

They were worth watching, their music is worth listening to, and the next time they come to Singapore, I'll be sure to catch their show again (:

NOTE: The band doesn't use ANY INSTRUMENTS none at all.
All the music/instruments, and i mean COMPLETE with drums, electric guitar, violin, bass, , flute, dj tables etc come from their VOICES, and their voices alone!!!!and hearing them LIVE was FANTASTIC! there were hair raising moments, heart thumping moments and i couldn't help smiling! THEY WERE FABULOUS!

And to give you a little nugget showing how much the four of us enjoyed them, after we've parted to go on our own ways back home, we did some mass-smsing among us:

Alvin: "Absolutely sub-zero tempertaure cool la! i believe tt most of their songs are abt God :) N in one of their songs they were actually reminding people 2 think abt e lyrics n not just dance! How cool is that! :) Dis is e best musical performance i've had e priveledge of attending! Tnx 4 intro-ing :D"

Me: "My best ever too! Really thank God for this group they are an inspiration!"

Dot: "Was reading their testimonies in e cd cover n ALL of them were thanking God "When e singers are gifted, God is uplifted" Im so happy i had u guys 4 company"

Nana: "Gosh. I can still hear their voice ringing in my ears! *heart melts* they're so good. And its really cool that they glorify God with their songs (:"

I love their voice control. AWESOME.

And here's a picture with 1/7 of them, Roger (:

and another of us and their poster!!! hahaha, 'cos we missed them by a few seconds, don't make me think of that more, i'd get sad again :(

The new face you see there is Dot's ex-student, who's actually both mine and Nana's junior! :D We made a new friend.

Glorify Your Name

Your presence Your Glory
You're welcome here
All honor, dominion
Lord please come near
We want you
We need You
We live to glorify Your Name

Glorify Your Name
Glorify Your Name
Glorify Your Name above all names

Yes Lord, I want you. I need you. I live to glorify Your Name

My parents and Janan went off to Maesot, Thailand today and they'd be there for a short trip until wednesday. I worked the p.m. shift today thus I could not see my parents before they left home for the airport, so they sent me smses before they left.

We all know that a mother's love for her children are shown tru' words. Quite literally. (:
Here's a snippet:

4.43pm, MOM : Grl, dr r laundries u ned 2 hang 4me 2more outside wen its not rainin. Just bring d pail outside n hang dm. D towels, pls hang each on d hanger. Got hangers on d windows.

4.44pm, MOM: the exact same message as above

4.46pm, MOM : Make sure dy don't touch d floor. Just use pails. U take care, we'l call u fr maesot. Make sure u take yur key fr dor. Lock gate, lock dor n put stopper on d dor. Sat, u can cok rice and heat up beef 4lunch.

5.05pm, DAD : Sweetheart, u take cre ha. Love u. We wil col u frm bangkok 2nite

5.45pm, MOM : Grl, pls put the curry in the fridge. Also, there are chiko fruit in the fridge, pls eat. Ask your bro to eat too, it is very good. Take care, pls put your ph on alarm in the morning. See you both on wed. Love you.

:D There! I kept smiling after reading all five smses and showed them to Lilian and Jessette at work, and they were laughing as they read them all, with Jessette saying, "it's like that. Mom's are like that". Hee, She's a young mom too (:

And sidetracking: MY MOM'S SHORT FORMS IN HER SMSES ARE SIMPLY HORRID RIGHT?! There really were times when i read her smses and had to take a long time to discern what she was trying to tell me. Hahaha. My mom's so cute la. :D

Manda did this quiz and Dot asked me to do it too, so here are my results and like Manda, I find the answers quite accurate (:

Your view on yourself:
You are down-to-earth and people like you because you are so straightforward.
You are an efficient problem solver because you will listen to both sides of an argument before making a decision that usually appeals to both parties.

The type of girlfriend/boyfriend you are looking for:
You are a true romantic. When you are in love, you will do anything and everything to keep your love true.
(: though this doesnt say much about the type of boyfriend i'm looking for isnt it?

Your readiness to commit to a relationship:
You are ready to commit as soon as you meet the right person. And you believe you will pretty much know as soon as you might that person.
(so, to the darling people who have been asking me when am i gonna get a boyfriend, this pretty much sums up my answer ;D
I have got no rush. I've got to enjoy singlehood as much as i can right now, agree? Because the moment i'm in a committed relationship, i'm in it for life! (: I'm also a fervent advocator of THE LIST. Unless he matches all the criterias in it, i will not settle.
Another good point you should take is that to make sure that the criterias/characteristics/attitudes you want in a boyfriend/husband is realistic; share and show that list to friends you trust and be accountable to them. They'd be able to point out too, if you are dreaming way too much or setting unrealistic standards. I've shown my list to Manda, Dot, Nana and Alvin. Another pointer to help when you're writing your list too, is to think if YOU too, can fulfill and have the attitudes/characteristics you want in him/her. It'd be quite unfair if you expect him/her for example, to look past your little faults/quirks if you don't want to do the same for him/her!
And while I'm waiting for the "right"/best person, I need to prepare myself to be the "right" /best one for him too, and that is what I advice you to do too. Marriage is a union of two souls. It's not so much just to fill the human void in you, because in us, we all have that want, the desire or should i say a need. That need to love and to be loved. But both should be able to complement each other, to complete each other, both should want to bless each other. It's not so much of "what my boyfriend/girlfriend/husband/wife must have to complete me". The attitude should be "how can i complete my boyfriend/girlfriend/husband/wife". How can i be his/her oasis.
So make that list and pray about/upon it. Pray that likewise, the same way you want him/her to match it, you gotta match it too ;p)

The seriousness of your love:
You are very serious about relationships and aren't interested in wasting time with people you don't really like. If you meet the right person, you will fall deeply and beautifully in love.
(hee. They have got the "aren't interested in wasting time with people you don't really like" part right on the dot!)

Your views on education:
Education is less important than the real world out there, away from the classroom. Deep inside you want to start working, earning money and living on your own.

The right job for you:
You have many goals and want to achieve as much as you can. The jobs you enjoy are those that let you burn off your considerable excess energy.
(Being a staff nurse allows me to burn off my considerable excess energy, sometimes way too much! I am one who can't hold down a desk-job too, i need, really really need to move around and talk)

How do you view success:
You are confident that you will be successful in your chosen career and nothing will stop you from trying.
(I'm more confident and probably confident only of success because I know I have got God by my side, and because I know I am in the place where He wants me to be in right now. When you obey God and serve/do what He wants you to do, you will find that blessings is sure to follow you, it may be in promotions, money or even intangible blessings like having that joy in your heart, a smile in your face and such great peace that absolutely NOTHING can ever take away)

What are you most afraid of:
You are afraid of having no one to rely on in times of trouble. You don't ever want to be unable to take care of yourself. Independence is important to you.
(I'm a people person, and when it comes to problems, i always need someone to hear me out, going tru them with people i trust, and yet at the same time, i don't want to be dependant on them. I always see strength as being able to climb back on your own feet eventually and moving on with life. And i for one, am no damsel-in-distress too (: I appreciate all the help but i don't like to be seen and viewed as a delicate flower ALL of the time)

Who is your true self:
You are mature, reasonable, honest and give good advice. People ask for your comments on all sorts of different issues. Sometimes you might find yourself in a dilemma when trapped with a problem, which your heart rather than your head needs to solve.
(I get bogged down and bothered by people-issues, their troubles somehow becomes mine, and i end up worrying, getting bothered or being angry by an issue on behalf of them, even if they don't feel that way!)

Just ended my round of night shifts, i'm really thankful that in KKH we only do two nights per round. The first night was bad. Terribly, horribly busy. We would only have 4 staffs scheduled on night shifts. And we had 8 admissions that very night. One every hour until 5am.. And three of my patients needed IV plug, blood cultures and one needed to do lumbar puncture. Goodness. All three in a row. Never had i assisted in three blood cultures straight one after the other. A record for me 'cos even on morning/afternoon shifts, we don't normally assist in three at one go!

And on a side note, people who work in hospitals can be quite supersticious. As the House Officer was struggling to do clerking for all the new admissions (it just kept piling up for him! He'd start on one and another new patient will come in - we had alot of new casefiles sitting on top the other, on the table!), the Medical Officer came to help and she needed to review the new patients anyway. It was already at around 4a.m., and seeing that the H.O. has yet to bathe and change into his scrubs, she went "YOU DIDN'T BATHE?! IT'S YOU!!!! (pointing at him) 8 ADMISSIONS IS CRAZY! YOU STOP YOUR WORK AND GO BATHE! (motioning for him to go out of the ward) QUICK GO BATHE, AT LEAST SHOWER, PLEASE!"

Hahaha. He had quite a sheepish expression after the M.O. admonished him for not taking a shower! And heard from my colleague, he said "I better go and bathe before all of you start scolding me", he did hear both Seow Chee and I complaining that the night is crazily busy. At one part, (after his shower, haha, we were still complaining la), he looked at us and smiled embarrassly. Indeed the busiest i've ever had before, usually i'd be able to sit down by 1130pm and buy snacks from downstairs and eat, but we didn't couldn't sit down most of the shift. Only swallowed a sushi Seow Chee gave/shared with each us, gulp down a little of milk tea i bought earlier before continuing with work.

I did grab whatever chances i could to sit, when writing out reports/labelling specimen forms. But i was up at my feet most of the whole night.

When we came back for our 2nd night, Seow Chee, Kartina and I had the same expression, haha, we did not even want to walk into the ward. But thank God 2nd night was so much better.

However my body is aching from neck down now, even at my ankles!

Why is it so important that we keep ourselves until marriage?
That we view romance not just with our feelings, react to it not just with our emotions but also with our heads? With wisdom and with respect.
Manda asked this question before when we were on this topic.
Why did God give us brains for if not to use it?

"I love my boyfriend and i am gonna marry him in the end, so why does it matter if we go beyond the limits? Why does it matter if we're having sex now or only later after marriage?"

What IF you DON'T marry him?
What IF you GET PREGNANT and he shirks responsibility?
What IF he does feel the need to be responsible and does marry you, NOT because he is ready to commit and to spend his life with you and sure of it, but only because you're carrying his child?

Would you be able to live with that?
Allowing room for doubt years later down the road where you stop and wonder if things didn't happen the way it did, what would become of the two of you? Where would you now be in your life?

Do you really want that?

There is a need to protect our hearts and to protect our bodies
This is no joke
God planned a season for everything
A season to be single
A season to fall in love
A season to marry and to have children

When we push and rush to be in seasons that we are not ready for
We shortchange our destinies
We shortchange God
Yes, something wonderful may still come out of it
But i'd rather have what God had initially planned for me
I'd rather enjoy the seasons as they come
Beautiful moments can only be beautiful when it's allowed to bloom and grow in it's own season, in it's own place


Joshua Harris writes about intimacy in his book, "I kissed Dating Goodbye" :

(page 28, A little principle) " An intimate relationship is a beautiful experience that God wants us to enjoy. After all, He stated that it wasn't good for man to be alone and created the woman to perfectly complement him and help him (Genesis 2: 18). but God has made the fulfillment of intimacy a by-product of commitment-based love. If we want to experience the goodness of His plan, we need to reconnect the pursuit of intimacy with the pursuit of commitment. This is what i call the Little Relationship Principle:

The joy of intimacy is the reward of commitment.

All of us want intimacy. It means being close to someone. It's being vulnerable, open, and dependent. It's giving to and recieving from another person the deepest parts of who we are - our hopes, our fears, our secrets, our affections. An intimate relationship in which we know and are known by another human is one of the most fulfilling and precious parts of life - it's a gift from God.

There are many different kinds of intimate relationships in life. We can be intimate with a friend, a family member, with a coworker, but the deepest, most meaningful of intimate relationships (outside of a Christian's relationship with God) is the one between a husband and a wife who share not only their hearts but also their bodies- in sexual intimacy, two people know each other in a profound way.

What each of these relationships has in common is trust. We are intimate with those people who have proven their faithfulness to us, people who have shown over time that they will be careful to guard what we have given of ourselves. We're intimate with people who are commited to us.

You might say that intimacy between a man and a woman is the icing on the cake of a relationship headed toward marriage. And if we look at intimacy that way, then it becomes obvious that most of our dating relationships are all icing. They usually lack a purpose or a clear destination. In most cases, especially when we're younger, dating is short term, serving the needs for the moment. We date because we want to enjoy the emotional and physical benefits of intimacy without the responsibility of real commitment. "

Another thing we need to realize, unless we are married to someone, in no way are we allowed to enjoy the benefits of physical intimacy with him or her.

Girls, guard your bodies as much as you guard your hearts.
DO NOT give them away so easily.
Save yourself for a man you truly love and who loves you back just as much
Save yourself for someone who has shown his commitment to you, the one who will place that ring on your finger, the one who will say those vows to you, before God and before the congregation as witness

Guys, protect our hearts and our bodies
When we love, we give our all, sometimes allowing emotions to rob us of being clear,
Thus we need you to guard us too
Respect us
And also in that same way, you save yourself for the woman who will make the same commitment to you, as you do her.

Mum had always told and reminded me, since i was at the age of 6, that a lady's virginity is her gift and probably the best gift she can ever give her husband, and as i grew up, i thought that likewise, by saving myself for him, i would want him to save himself for me!

(page 52, Joshua Harris "I kissed Dating Goodbye") " I cannot "own" someone outside of marriage. In God's eyes two married people become one. And as you continue to mature, you'll often crave the oneness that comes from sharing life with someone. Perhaps you feel the desire even now. Yet i believe that until we're ready to commit our lives in marriage, we have no right to treat anyone as if he or she belongs to us. Sarah and Philip are both seniors in high school and have gone out with each other for six months. Their relationship has reached a fairly serious level. In fact, for all intents and purposes, they might as well be married. They rarely do anything apart - they monopolize each other's weekends, drive each other's cars, and know each other's families as well as their own. Their physical relationship is also fairly serious. In fact, it's in a precarious position. Even though they haven't had sex, they constantly struggle with going too far.

The old attitude says we can "play marriage" if we really love someone. But the new attitude views a claim on another person's time, affection, and future before marriage is unwarranted.
Sarah and Philip realize they need to end their relationship as it now exists. By staking a claim on each other, they've stifled their individual growth and needlessly consumed energy that they should have directed into service and preparation for the future. They've planned their lives around each other when they don't really know that they'll get married someday. And in reality, if they're like most high school couples, there's a good chance they will probably marry someone else.

Even if Sarah and Philip had kept their physical relationship completely pure, they still would have unwarranted claims on each other's spiritual and emotional lives by continuing the relationship. If God wants them to be together in future, their current decision to halt their involvement won't endanger His plan. Right now they should choose to obey God and break up a relationship that has them stealing from each other.

Are you making unwarranted emotional, spiritual, or even physical claims on someone? Ask God to show you whether you need to re-evaluate a current relationship. "

Do not play with fire, lest you get burnt
Do not shoot yourself in your own foot
When we are in a relationship and we explore in ways we shouldn't, we are playing with fire!
Are you ready for the hurt and the pain that comes after that?
When we get burnt?

So what, if he's your boyfriend or she's your girlfriend now? You still have no claim or rights over each others' bodies!
When you give your chastity away so easily, and if/when you marry someone else in the end,
Will you be able to look that person in the eye and be able to say,
"You're the only one"

Respecting each other goes a long way.
It pays to wait.
Making it all the more sweeter when we allow intimacy to happen at the right time.

Elisabeth Elliot, Passion and Purity,
" A question of chastity. An outmoded word, the world says, but the truth is it's a Christian's obligation. It means abstention from sexual activity. For the Christian there is one rule and only one rule only: total abstention from sexual activity outside of marriage and total faithfulness inside marriage. Period. No ifs, ands, or buts"

We need, we must be very careful!
In a time and age where this thinking and value now seems obsulate, it is still possible to have a stand and to stick by it!
To have values and stick with them!

Romans 12: 1: "Therefore, I urge you, brothers, in view of God's mercy, to offer your bodies as living sacrifices, holy and pleasing to God - this is your spiritual act of worship"

1 Corinthians 6:18: "Flee from sexual immorality. All other sins a man commits are outside of his body, but he who sins sexually sins against his own body"

vs19: "Do you not know that your body is a temple of the Holy Spirit, who is in you, whom you have recieved from God? You are not your own"

vs20: "you were bought at a price. Therefore honor God with your body"

1 Corinthians 13: 4-7: " Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no records of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes. always perseveres"

Philippians 4: 6-7: "Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition,with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God which transcends all understanding,will gueard your heart and your minds in Christ Jesus."


Waiting patiently.

Elisabeth Elliot writes these in Passion and Purity,

" Psalm25: 5: on thee i wait all day"

"1 Chronicles 22:18: To wait on the Lord is to stand perfectly still... can we two trust His words, 'Is not the Lord your God with you? And hath he not given you rest on every side?.."

"Patient waiting does not come naturally for most of us, but a great deal is said about it in the bible. It is an important discipline for anyone who wants to learn to trust."

"But the things that we feel most deeply we ought to learn to be silent about, at least until we have talked them thoroughly over with God"

"How long Lord, must i wait?"
"Nevermind, child, trust me"

Lord Jesus, i pray for myself, for my friends and for my generation
Let us hold Your standards dear,
Hold Your values close to us
In no way, we will be moved
Let us in no way compromise who we are in You
Teach us, teach me to patiently wait
To be still, to be quiet
Forgive us Lord when we choose not to trust in You
Forgive us when we choose to steer our own lives
Forgive us for the mistakes we have made
If our thoughts and our actions have not been pleasing to You
Purify us
Santify us
You are God over everything
You created Eve for Adam
So surely, surely Oh Lord
You know who's best for us
You have already fashioned someone for each of us
I pray that we will not shortchange our destinies
Myself and the people i love
We will not toy with Your plans
But our eyes and our ears will be open to Your whispers, to Your thoughts
Matters of the heart can be complicated stuff
But never too complicated for You to handle
Take charge dear God, take control over this area
I love you
Amen.

But friends, i wanna encourage you, if your past is something you're not proud of, remember
Romans 8:1:"Therefore, there is now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus"

There were skeletons in my closet which i hid too, a past i'm not very proud of myself, BUT THERE IS NO CONDEMNATION!

Isaiah 43: 18-19: "Forget the former things; do not dwell on the past. See, I am doing a new thing! Now it springs up; do you not percieve it?


In "Put Away Your past" by Lisa Bevere,
She says, "Your past is not Your future."
"If we measure our future by our past, we are doomed to repeat it. It is fallacy to believe that by studying our past failures, traumas or abuses we prevent or correct our current ones. Looking at our past does not guarentee our future - it prevents it. When we search, analyze and delve into our yesterdays, we are limited to our own accumulated information of abuse or wrong decisions. Drawing on our own wisdom and experience will not safeguard our future. We need someone bigger and wiser than ourselves to guide and protect us - we need God"

" We cannot turn fully into the beautiful future God has for us until we completely turn away from our past"


In "Generation Esther", Lisa Ryan writes,
"I want to say something important here, though: If this discussion about the need for purity has brought conviction in your heart, please be encouraged- you can always begin again. If you haven't maintained purity in your life, you aren't forever disquailified from finding God's destiny for your life. God can cleanse you and make you whole again. If you let Him, God will set you apart again, or perhaps for the first time, for His purposes. Remember this: it is never too early or too late to start walking in purity in every area of your life."

So, give your past to God.
God never remembers the wrong we have done once we offer it to Him and seek His forgiveness
Forget your past and give your future to God (: