So here goes. A new life on my own, here in a new country. Well not exactly new as I have stayed here for the past one year doing my one year degree course but it's different. The attitudes, feelings and responsibilities changes as the situation and circumstances around us changes. Being a student last year and now transiting to and becoming a working adult is different.

And while all these around me changes, I am changing to. I am growing up and I am learning.

Taking it one step at a time. Leaving home and my comfort zone "for good" isn't easy but I am excited at this change.

"You are not a God created by human hands

You are not a God dependent on any mortal man

You are not a God in need of anything we can give

By your plan, that's just the way it is

You are God alone

From before time began

You are on your throne

You are God alone

Right now, in the good times and bad

You are on your throne

You are God alone

You're the only God who's power none can contend

You're the only God who's Name and praise will never end

You're the only God who's worthy of everything we can give

You are God, that's just the way it is

Unchangeable

Unshakable

Unstoppable, that's what You are"

I'll trust in you, and I'll trust in the plan You have for my life.

"All of my ambitions, hopes and plans. I surrender these into Your hands"

Everything about life Lord, from the things I do, the grades I'll have, the job I'll take, the places I'll stay in, the people I'll meet and become friends with, the man I'll marry, the kids I'll bear. All of these wishes, dreams and plans I surrender them to You.

I'm gonna trust in You.

I have never really asked, and yet You still gave.
I am blessed beyond measure.
For I have been blessed by Your grace and Your faithfulness.

Mahatma Gandhi said that strength does not come from physical capacity, but that instead it comes from an indomitable will. A will that cannot be subdued.

I respect and admire people who are strong, those who have the courage to pick themselves up after they fall. Those who are humble enough to say that "I have got nothing, and yet I have everything". Those who have been at the lowest points of their lives and yet still say that "Life is still worth living"

What are my problems compared to people who have got nothing. Who have got no money for food or clothes. To those who have got no shelter. To people who smell and live with death so near. Who knows for sure that there might not be a tomorrow.

What are our problems compared to theirs?

Are we so blinded by ourselves that we cannot see how much we are blessed with.

"Follow your heart" Really? When our hearts are the most fickle, confused little things? God has given us brains for a reason. He gave us senses. He enabled us to think. You don't just jump into something without weighing it in. Not all the time can impulses and gut feelings be right.

Personal example. How many times has my heart told me "I am sure he is the one. Yes I'm sure he is" How many times has my heart told me, "this feels right" and yet, it's not.

Ladies, can you relate to that?

We need to use both reason and feelings. But more than that.The only way we can be sure is when we have got a divine peace. When we seek God in our decision making. Too holy for you? God is too big to involve Himself in your little life? He gave all He had for you. Doesn't that show you how much your seemingly little insignificant life mean to Him?

Pray and seek God when you're stuck in a rut. Ask for directions when you're at crossroads. In all your decision making, use all that He has given you. And until He gives you the answers, until you have got that divine peace, where you no longer are in doubt. Then go ahead. Get that job. Put your kids in that school. Migrate the whole family. Court that girl or that guy. Seal that business deal.

You'll then see that with God involved in your life, you can never go wrong. Your heart will no longer be fickle. There'll be no place for confusion.

It doesn't take much to make a world of a difference. It doesn't take a lot to make someone smile.

We've become so preoccupied with our own lives, so much so that the next life right beside us no longer seem as important. Some would say that before we start watching out for others, we need to look out for ourselves first. Well yeah, there's some truth in that. When then do we stop looking out just for ourselves and start thinking about others?

Someone else can be hurting more than you at one time, someone else might need that encouragement, that simple "how are you?" or that "I'm thinking of you pal" might mean the world to them.

Someone else can be hiding all that pain and hurt behind a mask, and that one minute of letting them know how much they mean to you, could save them, could lift up their spirits we won't know. Or how about that person who seems so happy all the time, we forget that they need encouragements every now and then too.

Would it kill us to love people the way we love ourselves?

Would it kill us to be as concerned for their well-being just as much as we are worry for ourselves?

Would it kill us to stop being selfish?

Family

Not perfect but still darn good.

I had a holiday trip back to Iloilo during the last week of November to visit and spend time with my extended family there. And I went there numb and frustrated with a few things. Never agreed to some of the choices made. But really, in the end, it's your family who gives you one of life's real joys and pleasures. No one's perfect and no matter how hard we try to make the best choice for ourselves or for others, life's such that we'll still make stupid mistakes. And not just once or twice, but probably a million times. To come around them, we just have got to make a mental note not to make the same kind of mistakes again.

My family has made some mistakes, but that does not mean I shouldn't try to understand them or stop loving them. They're still my family. And when I make mine, I know that I'll still have them to encourage me and walk me through it.

Spending time with my youngest aunt was what made this trip back home even more special. To have gone through what she did and to come out wiser than she was before. To live with the consequences and yet still make the best of it and choosing to look at the positive although everyone else might think negatively about it, I am proud of her.

Priorities

Priorities Shee.

What's important and what's not. Who's important and who's not.

Why is it so hard for us to be real. Real to our feelings or to be honest. Why is it that we hide, shy away, thinking that would be best for fear of hurting yourself, but in the end hurting others more in the process.

Why do we build a wall and when did we start learning how to. Our defense mechanism sure is funny. We become quiet and distant. We play negativity in our minds. We worry for the worst and before the worst can happen, we act like it already is happening.

"The sharp knife of a short life"

Life is that precious. We've been taking it for granted. We do not know when we will leave this earth, if we did, maybe we would have been more driven in accomplishing things we see as goals. We would live every day as if it's the last.

A friend or family member is that precious. We might have been taking him/her for granted. If we knew that his/her life would be taken away with just so much in the blink of an eye, maybe that would have changed the way we treated him/her. We would have spent more time with them than we normally would. We would have loved them every day as if it were their last.

Thing is we don't know the exact date and time. The exact way and how. All we can do is live with a little faith. Use our own discernment. Remind ourselves never to take people and things ever so lightly. Be sensitive. Be good people.

It would be better if the Lord takes someone away either when they're too young or too old. Young so that before you build a bond and begin loving them more than your own life, they're taken away and the pain would not be that unbearable. Old so that you've had a lifetime spent with that person, and you know it's time to let go.

Bala Nadarajan, you'll always be remembered.

Quantity vs Quality

Superficial vs Depth

Counterfeit Happiness vs Real Joy

It's been a long time since I've written something here. Is there any need for updates. It's not like anyone is faithfully reading it but oh well, here goes.

Life always gets in the way.

Do we do things, get on with our schedules only 'cause we need to fulfill responsibilities, obligations, do we go through the motion of life without fully experiencing it. What are we working towards. What's our purpose in living, in breathing. Have you ever sat down and really thought about that? 2010 is almost drawing to an end, and it's insane just how fast it's going.

I'll be resigning from my job early next year and no, it's not because I do not want to be a nurse anymore. If this two and half years have taught me anything, it's that I am glad I am put in a job and a position such as this. I do not know what's next after my degree, I can only plan so much, but it's never in my hands alone.

"Your hope cannot be put in some dreamed-up future. It must be in the God who knows your past, present, and future, and loves you enough to give you the best" - Lady in waiting

a poem read 6 years later.

Was clearing my room today and started browsing through my English file back from when I was in sec 4 and found a yellow post-it on one of my notes on metaphors and it's examples. We leave our English files in the cupboard in class and I can't remember if we had a lock, doubt we had one 'cause we went to our cupboard to take whatever we needed frequently. Most files and books we didn't need to bring back home were kept there. Whoever wrote on that post-it did not leave a name and I don't recognize the handwriting. Even if I do try to recall, this was written 6 years ago.

"You only see what your eyes want to see

How can life be, what you want it to be

You're frozen

When your heart's not open.

You're so consumed with how, what you get

You waste your time with pain and regret

You're broken

When your heart's not open

Mmm. Not sure if I could be in your heart"

Today's my first seeing this.

"When I speak Your Name,

Mountains move, chains are loosed

When I speak Your Name

Darkness flees; it has no hold on me"

Matt 21:21: "Jesus replied, 'I tell you the truth, if you have faith and do not doubt, not only can you do what was done to the fig tree, but also you can say to this mountain, "Go throw yourself into the sea", and it will be done"

Matt 21:22: "If you believe, you will receive whatever you ask for in prayer"

If I'll only believe, You will move mountains for me.

My greatest love is You

"Every new day Your glory unfolds

Filling my eyes with Your treasures untold

The beauty of holiness brings worship anew

My greatest love is You

Call me deeper into Your grace

The river that flows from the Holy Place

Wash over me, cleansing me through

My greatest love is You"

There's just eight months left if I am to count. I haven't really been writing about my life the past whole year. Most of my posts have been complaints about work instead. Instead of being a place where I write about the things I've learnt or love, I use it to rant.

And though blogs were created to give the owner that "personal space to call his or her own" to rant and let out, it wasn't my intention when I created this one.

The past months aren't all just complaints, there have been many many many good moments that I thank God for.

Although we're only about to end the month of June, I can still say that:

So far, it's been a year of reconciliation. Friends are hard to keep, but worth every effort.

It's been a year of joy.

When I first joined my present ward, my mindset and attitude was completely wrong. I didn't give my colleagues a chance to show me that they're really nice people. I wrote them off and compared them to the set of friends/colleagues I already had, even before I bothered getting to know them personally. Since the start of this year though, I've come to love many of them and even during busier days, at least I can still smile. Work's definitely becoming more fun.

There's also the joy I have with my family and in the church.

It's been a year of new experience.

I love all that I'm learning at work. Another is that I had my first vacation trip with my best friends. 11 days without any adult supervision. See all of us come from protective homes. We planned, came up with the money and the itinerary. The uncles and aunties have been a great blessing too. I'm also going to be participating in the YOG. Assigned to the village's clinic. So that's going to be another interesting experience.

It's been a year of coming back to God, individually and as a family.

Trusting God again for healing. Trusting Him for life.

Life is worth living, both good times and bad times.

There's no point complaining.

"We're living in the days where the candle lamp stand can be removed. Are you building your life on the rock or are you building it on the sand?" - Uncle Raj

"Oh Lord You've searched me. You know my way. Even when I fail You, I know You love me. Yes, I know You love me"

Praise You in this storm

I will praise You in this storm

And I will lift my hands

For You are who You are

No matter where I am

And every tear I've cried

You hold in Your hand

You've never left my side

And though my heart is torn

I'll praise you in this storm"

I lift my eyes unto the hill

Where does my help come from?

My help comes from the Lord

The Maker of Heaven and Earth

- Casting Crowns

Attitude

How we react to things around us reflects a lot on our inward attitude.

When we smile despite adversities, that is not only a character but an attitude itself. In fact attitude is defined as a 'state of readiness to respond in a characteristic way to a stimulus'.

I've got to change my attitude towards work, and if I don't, work's going to be and will continue being a drag. There's so many things for me to point my finger at and I can continue to complain all day long 'cause when it really comes down to it, you can always find fault in every single thing and let it affect and bother you.

Instead of focusing on the faults at work, I must learn and shift it on my patients instead. How all the little ones make me smile even if I have got to fight and tussle with them just to feed them their medicine. Even if looking after them causes my back to hurt and my legs to ache. Even if I've got to work extra harder during all the busier days, even if I have to miss my meals. I want to focus on the good things at work.

Lord, You've placed me here to be a blessing but I haven't been much. Help me become one.