Dear Jesus, You're Amazing and to You i lift my heart
Jesus, You're Beautiful and to You i lift up my eyes
My face forever tilted towards heaven
I've faltered and swayed
Your faithfulness I'm in awe
I've stumbled and fell
Your mercy and Your grace I'm in awe
I love You
and all my life, i want to love You
Take my life and make it whole
For I can't do this on my own

"Here with Me" by Mercy Me

I long for your embrace
Every single day
To meet you in this place
And see you face to face

Will you show me?
Reveal yourself to me
Because of your mercy
I fall down on my knees

And I can feel your presence here with me
Suddenly I'm lost within your beauty
Caught up in the wonder of your touch
Here in this moment I surrender to your love

You're everywhere I go
I am not alone
You call me as your own
To know you and be known

You are holy
And I fall down on my knees

I can feel your presence here with me
Suddenly I'm lost within your beauty
Caught up in the wonder of your touch
Here in this moment I surrender to your love

I surrender to your grace
I surrender to the one who took my place

It's the climb

"There's always gonna be another mountain. I'm always gonna wanna make it move. Always gonna be an uphill battle. Sometimes I'm gonna have to lose. Ain't about how fast I get there. Ain't about what's waiting on the other side. It's the climb"

Proverbs 12: 18: "Reckless words pierce like a sword but the tongue of the wise brings healing"
Proverbs 15: 2: " The tongue of the wise commands knowledge, but the mouth of the fool gushes folly"

This battle at work doesn't seem to be ending. Everytime I'm settled - there's always something that'll happen to change it. Just that Lord, help me so that in my anger I do not sin or say things that are wrong and harsh. If there is nothing pleasant for me to say, help me control my tongue and to choose my words instead.

It's frustrating, I'm close to tears when i think or talk about it, however I guess, it's the journey and what I learn in the meantime that should matter more. "It's the climb"

Miley Cyrus may not have been thinking about You Lord when she sang this. Maybe not even the song-writer/s too. However just as the lyrics say, I'll keep my faith even if things aren't going the way I want "Sometimes I'm gonna have to lose"
I'll just keep trusting in You.

There's a need for continual asking of forgiveness. A continual atonement of sins.
There's not one person who's able to by his own might and accord, able to walk pure and blameless. 'Cause our hearts are corrupt and thoughts evil by nature. Not one, other than our Lord Jesus, walked this earth without sin.

God's blood is always ready for those who recieve Him.
A fact that will never change. his blood cleanses all, wipes away all.
But why then, do we still sin day by day?

I believe the same way God's love shows through the blood and the nails, it's the same love that allows us the freedom of choice, even if some that we make causes God to grieve, sadness in His eyes and pain in His heart.

Years back, when Daniel or Solomon was still in children's church, and when i was serving as a cellgroup leader/helper, he asked Chris, why can't God make us, everyone, love Him then. Surely He has the power to make everyone fall in love and obey and follow His ways.
Chris answered that it's cause God wants us to choose.

Sure, a snap of His fingers and the entire universe can adore Him. but God, our gentle God, does not want robots worshipping Him. He wants hungry hearts who chooses to worship Him.

Everyday we have got to choose to cleanse our hearts with His blood.
Everyday, we've got to choose between doing what we know is right and pleasing to God or doing things that are sin.
Everyday we have got to fight the beast in us.
Thankfully, we know and can be assured that, when we call out to Jesus, He'll give us the strength to overcome. Thank God for His grace.

Ephesians 5: 8-10: "For you were once in darkness, but now you are light in the Lord. Live as children of light (for the fruit of the light consists in all goodness, righteousness and truth) and find out what pleases the Lord"

Hebrews 10:22: "Let us draw near to God with a sincere heart heart in full assurance of faith, having our hearts sprinkled to cleanse us from a guitly concience and having our bodies washed with pure water"

1 Thessalonians 4:7: "For God did not call us to be impure, but to live with a holy life"

Ephesians 1:7: "In Him we have redemption through His blood, the forgiveness of sins, in accordance with the riches of God's grace"

1 Corinthians 15:10: "By by the grace of God I am what I am, and His grace to me was not without effect"

"God gives eternal choices, and these choices have eternal consequences. Isn't this the reminder of Calvary's trio? Ever wonder why there were two crosses next to Christ? Why not six or ten?
Ever wonder why Jesus was in the centre? Why not on the far right or far left? Could it be that the two crosses on the hill symbolize one of God's greatest gifts? The gift of choice."

"The two criminals have so much in common. Convicted by the same system. Condemned to the same death. Surrounded by the same crowd. Equally close to Jesus. In fact, they begin with the same sarcasm: 'the two criminals also said cruel things to Jesus' (Matt 27:44 CEV"

"But one changed"

"Does not the shepherd leave the ninety-nine sheep and pursue the one lost? Does not the housewife sweep the house until the lost coin is found? Yes, the shepherd does, the housewife does, but the father of the prodigal, remember, does nothing.
The sheep was lost innocently.
The coin was lost irresponsibly.
But the prodigal son left intentionally. The father gave him the choice. Jesus gave both criminals the same"

"How could two men see the same Jesus and one choose to mock Him and the other choose to pray to Him? I don't know, but they did. And when one prayed, Jesus loved him enough to save Him. And when the other mocked, Jesus loved him enough to let him. He allowed him the choice. He does the same for you"

- Max Lucado's "He chose the Nails"
Chapter 6 "I will let you choose"

"He shall reign forever"

Do i believe that every change would probably have gone tru with God before it could happen to me? Will i believe that God probably allowed them for a reason?
I dislike changes unless it's something I've planned for or have prepared for. Even if this change is for a short while.
But can I say, am i willing to say, that it is well with my soul?

Talking to all my friends though have helped me in putting it all into perspective. When Alvin mentioned that maybe when I'm in a place far away and I'm faced in a situation where there are bad wounds, cuts, burns. Then I'll look back and thank God for this experience.

It's been three days at the new ward. I whispered to Rages before i left yesterday that all these are new to me, and I actually would like to learn. That day i observed a dressing I haven't quite seen before. I just don't like the ward culture 'cause I come from a ward where our teamwork is awesome and all my colleagues are nice and fun people to be around.

Having worked in a positive environment for the past one year and a half isn't making it easy for me to accept this new setting. On my first day itself, the ward sister told the three of us that her ward girls wouldn't come out to teach us but would assume that we know and don't have to be guided.
Honestly? You're actually saying that?

Maybe i'm putting up my experiences and expectations against this ward cause I came from one that's entirely different from this one. To that, Nana told me that it's like I've come down from heaven to earth.

A ward becomes a family, 'cause majority of my time, if i'm not at home, I'm at work. And we don't change colleagues. Look around across the entire nation and most nurses would have come from and stayed in one ward for a long period of time unless they request for a transfer or resign etc.
I asked Mama Keu how long has she been in Ward 85 before she was deployed to Ward 61 during the H1N1 period, and her answer stunned me. 10 years. Since the ward FIRST opened. There's the reason why I'm so attached to my colleagues and don't like the idea that we're all split up.

I'm not as fired up as last week.
And I'm trying to give my frustrations to God and continue learning to trust in Him.
No one may want to take the initiative guide/teach me. It's okay, I'll pray and ask God for His wisdom instead.

It will be well with my soul.

Never once did you stop to think about how we feel. You push us around with no regards of the effort we have put in. I don't mind change if it's warranted for but if changes are made just 'cause you cannot make up your silly minds, there's only too much we can take. You'll lose all the good ones one by one and then there'll be none. Still i don't think you'll even care or realise. I detest you. I really do.

You opened up three wards in June for H1N1. We only knew about the deployment the day before or on that day we go to work. We heard it not from you, but from our colleagues. That I can do. I'm a nurse and i don't mind. One and a half month into it - H1N1 was too widespread. Instead of allowing us to return to our original wards, we stayed on permanent. You said we needed new wards.

Two months later, you start closing the wards that were needed. I heard of nurses crying. Morales low. Then we start hearing another ward would close down. About the same time an email was circled out stating that we at 61 (us and our new colleagues we've gotten used to working with) would move down to 31. In that emailed circled out all over, the move was scheduled for the 28th. On the 23rd, you walk in, high and mighty. Telling us everything's changed. We'll no longer function as a ward. We'll no longer work together. Instead we're breaking us up and moving us all over.

This when we've grown to be comfortable.

You don't see the pain we grow tru. It wasn't easy looking after the H1N1s. You threw us into deep waters. We didn't know what to do. But we got tru it. It was supposed to be temporary, you told us. We'd be back in our own wards once it tides over. But when it did - there were new plans. You decided that there weren't enough respiratory wards to handle the influx of patients. 61 became permanent. Two months after, when we've picked up. When we're working and functioning well. You decide to split us up. Temporary again and then we'll be back together, that's what you say. I know better than to trust you on that.

And these are just the changes I've experienced, The changes my ward went and is going tru. I've yet to chronicle the changes other wards have gone through.
I have yet to type of the massive internal change of system you have scheduled us for in the coming week.

Authority is useless when you misuse it.
It's useless when you've shown time and time again how you don't deserve the respect you're credited for.

I've come to love my colleagues, my ward, the surroundings, and you take it all away. Just like that. And then you still expect us to bring up the service sector of the hospital. How do we do that when we ourselves are dissappointed so many times.

How can i desire to work hard and be loyal and bring glory to you when i don't see the reason to.

I no longer respect you. You don't deserve any from us.

You've made me hate the idea of going to work. I haven't stopped crying. My friends tell me not to waste my tears, but i can't help it when i'm feeling this hurt and sad.

It's been a long time since but i've started tearing again now, when i think about work. It's draining me out physically and mentally.

"Perhaps after all our worries and questions, we'll discover that all along God had the right thing at the right time for us. Perhaps His plan is more wonderful than anything we could create by ourselves - whether it comes with 'pomp and blare' or quietly, 'like an old friend'. Perhaps...perhaps...we should entrust our questions of 'how' and 'who' and 'when?' into His tender care." - Joshua Harris.

Lord take my life and make it whole.
Take all of me and make me Yours.
No turning back, so that my eyes are set on You.
I want to fall deeper and deeper in love with You.

There is no one else for me
None but Jesus.

All my delight is in You Lord.
Forever more.

"The steadfast love of the Lord never ceases
His mercies never come to an end
They are new every morning
New every morning
Great is thy Faithfulness Oh Lord
Great is thy Faithfulness"


"How Great is our God
Sing with me
How Great is our God
And all will see
How Great, How Great is our God.

The splendor of the King
Clothed in majesty
Let all the earth rejoice
All the earth rejoice
He wraps Himself in light
And darkness tries to hide
And trembles at His voice
Trembles at His voice

Age to age He stands
And time is in His hands
Beginning and the endm, beginning and the end
The Godhead three in one
Father, Spirit and Son
The lion and the lamb
The lion and the lamb

Name above all Names
Worthy of our praise
My heart will sing
How great is our God"

Internet at home is lagging, so much so that it's getting frustrating sitting here infront of the computer. My blog page doesn't look quite right either.
Facebook takes such a long time, every time i press "home" it gives me that lightning white blank with the word "Done" at the bottom.

All the more i find spending a minute trying to see the updates irritating as it takes an eternity before i can actually see them. So, for those i haven't been sending emails/messages to for a long time. This is the reason why.
How I'm able to sit here and type all this with such patience, even I am amazed.
Well, typing is one thing, pressing the link "Publish" and being able to see my new post in a matter of seconds, like how blogspot has always faithfully done for me, is another. I'm gonna copy this entire post once i'm done with it just in case Molly, my internet connection, decides to give me another one of her surprises by giving me a blank or that famous internet error page. Molly acts up once every now and then, i think she's throwing one of her tantrums again.

I was thinking, work is getting rather hard, being able to breathe a huge sigh of relief amidst the scurry of it all can be considered luxury in itself.
What i was thinking and have come to realize was, i don't nurse my patients. I nurse their files, their papers, their charts. I have got sometimes up to 10 files to update. 14 during night shift. Following the changes and treatments rendered to each individual patient. Scribbling my nursing notes. Speeding around the ward, grabbing more papers, attending to calls from pharmacist dept/clerks at the children's emergency, following up on doctors' orders and actually MAKING them happen, attending to patients and their parents everyday needs and wants. Funny how they tell everything to the nurses, their demands but go completely mum in front of the team of doctors complete from the graduates fresh out of med school right up to the big shots. Consultants in other words, who all spends at least 5-7 minutes standing in front of the patient sitted on his/her bed discussing among themselves on the proper treatment plan based on the current condition/blood and other tests results.

Funny how when the team moves on to the next patient and they look at you, doe-eyed, wanting more out of you and the only thing going through your mind was, "didn't they already explain"

Time.

I never have time to nurse. I never have time to sit with the little ones and comfort or play with them. I never have time to poke or tease the older patients, the way i do with my younger friends in church. I never have time to encourage a parent or to allay their anxieties or worries. I'm always wishing i had more time, until i move on to the next thing i've gotta do at work.

I can never put in words what we do during shift either. When people ask, i talk about the regime, what we basically do, but somehow, when i say it out, it feels like i have the time. All the time i need to do and make a good shift.

What you see on the tele is ideal. What you pen on papers are the ideals.

But we deal with humans, with children, with fussy, fidgety children who are scared to be where they are. A glimspe of our cream white and they start screaming, syringes on our hands are enough to make some of them go berserk. Trust me when i say i had to pin myself on a crying child. Trust me when i say i have done it a million times i no longer feel bad. With parents, who cannot seem to make decisions or who just don't know how to. We deal not just with one, or two, or five. How many have i spoken or come in close contact with, to how many have i had this nurse - patient relationship with? So many, those from just three to four weeks back are a blur.

So, coming back to the ideals.

I think they're all just perfect little words typed onto Microsoft Word by some genius who either has never worked as a small fry nurse in a general hospital or clearly has forgotten how is it like to work and wish it could stop.

Facebook still hasn't given me the page i want to see.

I was asked today, how do i know that God is real in my life?
I typed quite abit of reply. However now i do feel that one line for an answer to that question, would be sufficient enough.

'Cause i am loved.

It is when i am with my family, i feel His love.
When i am with my friends, i see His love.
When i am at work, it's His love working in me.
When i go back home to sleep at night, His love surrounds me.

Jesus looks past our physical appearances, looks past our social statuses, looks past our circumstances and loves us all the same, loves us for who we are.
So much that even when he stumbled, tripped, when the cross was too heavy, the wood scarring the skin on his back under the scorching hot sun, amidst all the jeers and the loud curses and shoving by the crowd, it was our names that made Him continue on that road. Our names that were on His mind. It was His love for us that made Him lie on that cross, and His desire for us when he suppressed or maybe ignored the pain as the nails dug thru' His hands and His feet.

I was asked before, why don't i just become a nun?
I typed quite abit of reply. However now i do feel that one line for an answer to that question, would be sufficient enough.

I don't have to be a nun, before i can show the world, that it is Jesus I love.

ooohhh my, this song's sending chills down my spine but not only that, i'm amazed with the voice coming out from this boy!

I can only Imagine, by Mercy Me.

I can only imagine what it will be like
When I walk by your side
I can only imagine what my eyes will see
When your face is before me
I can only imagine

Surrounded by your glory
What will my heart feel?
Will I dance for you Jesus?
Or in awe of you be still?
Will I stand in your presence?
Or to my knees will I fall?
Will I sing hallelujah?
Will I be able to speak at all?
I can only imagine
I can only imagine

I can only imagine when that day comes
And I find myself standing in the Son
I can only imagine when all I will do
Is forever, forever worship you
I can only imagine
I can only imagine

I can only imagine
When all I will do
Is forever, forever worship you
I can only imagine


Thank you Ray, i really like this song (:

I know you've cast my sin as far from the east to the west

Jesus can you just show me how

I miss you, I miss lingering, I miss trusting you and loving you the way i did before

Blessed by what dad told me today. It sure has been long since i last really talked and listened to dad and today's breakfast was good.
How amazing God is, when He speaks to you through people.
When they say statements, in relation to whatever you're going through, and you have yet to tell them about it.
How do they do that? How do they know what to speak into my life?
God is indeed amazing (: He never fails to wonder.

I learn, we all learn.
How do i put it, other than to say that I love what God is doing in my life. Life sure can be a bundle, but i love how we all learn. When we fall, and we get back to our feet.
With each experience, we gain wisdom.
It's during and because of circumstances, we mature.

the current song i'm in love with:
Come back to me, Utada Hikaru

Michael Jackson passed away.
We have heard so much from the media, constant news coverage whether it was bad or good about him the past four years never did i or would i think that i would hear this news.
Death happens. And the reality of it only becomes clear when it happens to a star, or to someone close. Only then will we wake up.
Only then will we wish for more time. When we wish we could do something better, something more, so that our lives will not go to waste.
I don't want mine to go to waste.

So H1N1 is at it's 200s.
You know how is it like to be absolutely blur at work. The registra yesterday was informing about the ministry's plans and what could happen and what we need to be ready for and as i was listening to him, wide eyed and looking up to him not just cos he already towers over me while i'm standing, i was sitting down and looking up to a giant of a man, the only thing going through my mind was "huh? what? come again? huh?"

Complete trust happens when we don't know what to do. when we cannot rely on our own past wisdom and knowledge, when we need to lean onto and be dependant on something else or to someone else. Notice how heads are turned and eyes are looking straight at the ministry and yes, they are doing a good job, thank God for leaders. But you know to whom my eyes are turned to and to whom i put all my trust on?
I put all my trust on you Lord.