"Follow your heart" Really? When our hearts are the most fickle, confused little things? God has given us brains for a reason. He gave us senses. He enabled us to think. You don't just jump into something without weighing it in. Not all the time can impulses and gut feelings be right.

Personal example. How many times has my heart told me "I am sure he is the one. Yes I'm sure he is" How many times has my heart told me, "this feels right" and yet, it's not.

Ladies, can you relate to that?

We need to use both reason and feelings. But more than that.The only way we can be sure is when we have got a divine peace. When we seek God in our decision making. Too holy for you? God is too big to involve Himself in your little life? He gave all He had for you. Doesn't that show you how much your seemingly little insignificant life mean to Him?

Pray and seek God when you're stuck in a rut. Ask for directions when you're at crossroads. In all your decision making, use all that He has given you. And until He gives you the answers, until you have got that divine peace, where you no longer are in doubt. Then go ahead. Get that job. Put your kids in that school. Migrate the whole family. Court that girl or that guy. Seal that business deal.

You'll then see that with God involved in your life, you can never go wrong. Your heart will no longer be fickle. There'll be no place for confusion.

It doesn't take much to make a world of a difference. It doesn't take a lot to make someone smile.

We've become so preoccupied with our own lives, so much so that the next life right beside us no longer seem as important. Some would say that before we start watching out for others, we need to look out for ourselves first. Well yeah, there's some truth in that. When then do we stop looking out just for ourselves and start thinking about others?

Someone else can be hurting more than you at one time, someone else might need that encouragement, that simple "how are you?" or that "I'm thinking of you pal" might mean the world to them.

Someone else can be hiding all that pain and hurt behind a mask, and that one minute of letting them know how much they mean to you, could save them, could lift up their spirits we won't know. Or how about that person who seems so happy all the time, we forget that they need encouragements every now and then too.

Would it kill us to love people the way we love ourselves?

Would it kill us to be as concerned for their well-being just as much as we are worry for ourselves?

Would it kill us to stop being selfish?

Family

Not perfect but still darn good.

I had a holiday trip back to Iloilo during the last week of November to visit and spend time with my extended family there. And I went there numb and frustrated with a few things. Never agreed to some of the choices made. But really, in the end, it's your family who gives you one of life's real joys and pleasures. No one's perfect and no matter how hard we try to make the best choice for ourselves or for others, life's such that we'll still make stupid mistakes. And not just once or twice, but probably a million times. To come around them, we just have got to make a mental note not to make the same kind of mistakes again.

My family has made some mistakes, but that does not mean I shouldn't try to understand them or stop loving them. They're still my family. And when I make mine, I know that I'll still have them to encourage me and walk me through it.

Spending time with my youngest aunt was what made this trip back home even more special. To have gone through what she did and to come out wiser than she was before. To live with the consequences and yet still make the best of it and choosing to look at the positive although everyone else might think negatively about it, I am proud of her.

Priorities

Priorities Shee.

What's important and what's not. Who's important and who's not.

Why is it so hard for us to be real. Real to our feelings or to be honest. Why is it that we hide, shy away, thinking that would be best for fear of hurting yourself, but in the end hurting others more in the process.

Why do we build a wall and when did we start learning how to. Our defense mechanism sure is funny. We become quiet and distant. We play negativity in our minds. We worry for the worst and before the worst can happen, we act like it already is happening.

"The sharp knife of a short life"

Life is that precious. We've been taking it for granted. We do not know when we will leave this earth, if we did, maybe we would have been more driven in accomplishing things we see as goals. We would live every day as if it's the last.

A friend or family member is that precious. We might have been taking him/her for granted. If we knew that his/her life would be taken away with just so much in the blink of an eye, maybe that would have changed the way we treated him/her. We would have spent more time with them than we normally would. We would have loved them every day as if it were their last.

Thing is we don't know the exact date and time. The exact way and how. All we can do is live with a little faith. Use our own discernment. Remind ourselves never to take people and things ever so lightly. Be sensitive. Be good people.

It would be better if the Lord takes someone away either when they're too young or too old. Young so that before you build a bond and begin loving them more than your own life, they're taken away and the pain would not be that unbearable. Old so that you've had a lifetime spent with that person, and you know it's time to let go.

Bala Nadarajan, you'll always be remembered.

Quantity vs Quality

Superficial vs Depth

Counterfeit Happiness vs Real Joy

It's been a long time since I've written something here. Is there any need for updates. It's not like anyone is faithfully reading it but oh well, here goes.

Life always gets in the way.

Do we do things, get on with our schedules only 'cause we need to fulfill responsibilities, obligations, do we go through the motion of life without fully experiencing it. What are we working towards. What's our purpose in living, in breathing. Have you ever sat down and really thought about that? 2010 is almost drawing to an end, and it's insane just how fast it's going.

I'll be resigning from my job early next year and no, it's not because I do not want to be a nurse anymore. If this two and half years have taught me anything, it's that I am glad I am put in a job and a position such as this. I do not know what's next after my degree, I can only plan so much, but it's never in my hands alone.

"Your hope cannot be put in some dreamed-up future. It must be in the God who knows your past, present, and future, and loves you enough to give you the best" - Lady in waiting

a poem read 6 years later.

Was clearing my room today and started browsing through my English file back from when I was in sec 4 and found a yellow post-it on one of my notes on metaphors and it's examples. We leave our English files in the cupboard in class and I can't remember if we had a lock, doubt we had one 'cause we went to our cupboard to take whatever we needed frequently. Most files and books we didn't need to bring back home were kept there. Whoever wrote on that post-it did not leave a name and I don't recognize the handwriting. Even if I do try to recall, this was written 6 years ago.

"You only see what your eyes want to see

How can life be, what you want it to be

You're frozen

When your heart's not open.

You're so consumed with how, what you get

You waste your time with pain and regret

You're broken

When your heart's not open

Mmm. Not sure if I could be in your heart"

Today's my first seeing this.

"When I speak Your Name,

Mountains move, chains are loosed

When I speak Your Name

Darkness flees; it has no hold on me"

Matt 21:21: "Jesus replied, 'I tell you the truth, if you have faith and do not doubt, not only can you do what was done to the fig tree, but also you can say to this mountain, "Go throw yourself into the sea", and it will be done"

Matt 21:22: "If you believe, you will receive whatever you ask for in prayer"

If I'll only believe, You will move mountains for me.

My greatest love is You

"Every new day Your glory unfolds

Filling my eyes with Your treasures untold

The beauty of holiness brings worship anew

My greatest love is You

Call me deeper into Your grace

The river that flows from the Holy Place

Wash over me, cleansing me through

My greatest love is You"

There's just eight months left if I am to count. I haven't really been writing about my life the past whole year. Most of my posts have been complaints about work instead. Instead of being a place where I write about the things I've learnt or love, I use it to rant.

And though blogs were created to give the owner that "personal space to call his or her own" to rant and let out, it wasn't my intention when I created this one.

The past months aren't all just complaints, there have been many many many good moments that I thank God for.

Although we're only about to end the month of June, I can still say that:

So far, it's been a year of reconciliation. Friends are hard to keep, but worth every effort.

It's been a year of joy.

When I first joined my present ward, my mindset and attitude was completely wrong. I didn't give my colleagues a chance to show me that they're really nice people. I wrote them off and compared them to the set of friends/colleagues I already had, even before I bothered getting to know them personally. Since the start of this year though, I've come to love many of them and even during busier days, at least I can still smile. Work's definitely becoming more fun.

There's also the joy I have with my family and in the church.

It's been a year of new experience.

I love all that I'm learning at work. Another is that I had my first vacation trip with my best friends. 11 days without any adult supervision. See all of us come from protective homes. We planned, came up with the money and the itinerary. The uncles and aunties have been a great blessing too. I'm also going to be participating in the YOG. Assigned to the village's clinic. So that's going to be another interesting experience.

It's been a year of coming back to God, individually and as a family.

Trusting God again for healing. Trusting Him for life.

Life is worth living, both good times and bad times.

There's no point complaining.

"We're living in the days where the candle lamp stand can be removed. Are you building your life on the rock or are you building it on the sand?" - Uncle Raj

"Oh Lord You've searched me. You know my way. Even when I fail You, I know You love me. Yes, I know You love me"

Praise You in this storm

I will praise You in this storm

And I will lift my hands

For You are who You are

No matter where I am

And every tear I've cried

You hold in Your hand

You've never left my side

And though my heart is torn

I'll praise you in this storm"

I lift my eyes unto the hill

Where does my help come from?

My help comes from the Lord

The Maker of Heaven and Earth

- Casting Crowns

Attitude

How we react to things around us reflects a lot on our inward attitude.

When we smile despite adversities, that is not only a character but an attitude itself. In fact attitude is defined as a 'state of readiness to respond in a characteristic way to a stimulus'.

I've got to change my attitude towards work, and if I don't, work's going to be and will continue being a drag. There's so many things for me to point my finger at and I can continue to complain all day long 'cause when it really comes down to it, you can always find fault in every single thing and let it affect and bother you.

Instead of focusing on the faults at work, I must learn and shift it on my patients instead. How all the little ones make me smile even if I have got to fight and tussle with them just to feed them their medicine. Even if looking after them causes my back to hurt and my legs to ache. Even if I've got to work extra harder during all the busier days, even if I have to miss my meals. I want to focus on the good things at work.

Lord, You've placed me here to be a blessing but I haven't been much. Help me become one.

How does one work when he/she has got so much pent up frustration. That's the thing with me. I'm no longer clear on what I want, be it in the present or when planning for the future.

Sister T. (being at ward 85 allows me to work under another ward sister) stopped me at the counter yesterday to let me know that ward 31 will be opening up soon and that they're gonna get all of us who disbanded to come back together.

I'm supposed to be happy, I'm supposed to jump at this offer the moment it was made. So why did I reply her with a "I'll think about it". On one hand, I miss working with my ward 61 girls. It's been a long time since the word "fun" was entertwined with the word "work". But on the other, I'm starting to really like some of the current girls/ladies I'm now working with. Before I came to ward 85, I've never known what was it like to work under so many senior staff nurses who are really good at their work and who knows procedures at the back of their hands. Having the assurance that I'm covered and will be taught well, I like that.

If I'm gonna be transferred again now, how sure can I be that I won't again.

Fulfillment that lasts forever.

Proverbs 23:16-17: " Do not let your heart envy sinners, but always be zealous for the fear of the Lord. There is surely a future hope for you, and your hope will not be cut off"

There have been times and moments when I look at non-believers and wonder how would life be like if I wasn't a Christian. What would I be doing now, what characteristics and values will I have if I wasn't born into a family who serves in church.

I can wear what I want. Say what I want. Do what I want. It'll be so fun. No restrictions. I can work my way up, reach the top, live life by my own rules. It's my game. I can completely destroy myself emotionally, spiritually, physically and not feel horrible about it. I have envied. Being able to do whatever I want without minding it's consequences on eternal life.

I've realized this though: Eternal life in heaven may not sound attractive now. If I pit it against the sights, sounds and colors of this world. To live like there's no tomorrow. But heaven will definitely win hands down if we are to choose between these two: a place of peace, joy, comfort, treasures, where there is no pain or a place filled with fire, darkness, misery and torture for all of eternity. So what do I want now, what's more attractive. Fulfillment that can only last this lifetime, or a hope that does not cut me, that goes past this lifetime and gives me fulfillment that will last forever. Eternity has got no end. I'll need to remember that.

"Lost Purpose, Lost Places" by Lisa Bevere

"We frequently lose what we have because we fail to remember why it was given. Adam and Eve forgot their purpose and lost their place. They knew they were created for dominion, but they forgot why. Grasping for what was lost, they began to misuse their strengths, and used their dominion against each other. Essentially, the fall of man originated the battle of the sexes. Thus, the wrestling began.

"Have we learned anything in all the years of pain? How many parents have lost the hearts of their children because they forgot why they had them? It was never to control them but to provide an environment in which they flourish. How many couples have lost their marriages because they forgot why they were together? They fight againts each other rather than for their love. Do we grasp and wrestle with others for their roles because we lose sight of our own? We all lose when we take from others what was not theirs to give."
(From Lisa Bevere's "Fight like a Girl")

You know what Sheela. You were MADE a nurse.
It wasn't YOUR choice. Given a choice, you'd never ever ever want to be a nurse.
The reason why you clean crap, you work hard and long, you run around, you get busy making sure the plans for all your patients are done, you advocate, you teach, you look after, you listen, you SERVE was never meant for YOU to feel good. It wasn't for you. Maybe for once, you've gotta stop complaining and thinking about yourself but of others and what you can do, so that THEY will get better.

Maybe you've gotta start praying again, and DO what your blog name says. To start nursing your patients with God's love.

"And while I'm serving others as You would have me do, please help me remember that I'm truly serving you" - R. Fogle.