Why is it so important that we keep ourselves until marriage?
That we view romance not just with our feelings, react to it not just with our emotions but also with our heads? With wisdom and with respect.
Manda asked this question before when we were on this topic.
Why did God give us brains for if not to use it?

"I love my boyfriend and i am gonna marry him in the end, so why does it matter if we go beyond the limits? Why does it matter if we're having sex now or only later after marriage?"

What IF you DON'T marry him?
What IF you GET PREGNANT and he shirks responsibility?
What IF he does feel the need to be responsible and does marry you, NOT because he is ready to commit and to spend his life with you and sure of it, but only because you're carrying his child?

Would you be able to live with that?
Allowing room for doubt years later down the road where you stop and wonder if things didn't happen the way it did, what would become of the two of you? Where would you now be in your life?

Do you really want that?

There is a need to protect our hearts and to protect our bodies
This is no joke
God planned a season for everything
A season to be single
A season to fall in love
A season to marry and to have children

When we push and rush to be in seasons that we are not ready for
We shortchange our destinies
We shortchange God
Yes, something wonderful may still come out of it
But i'd rather have what God had initially planned for me
I'd rather enjoy the seasons as they come
Beautiful moments can only be beautiful when it's allowed to bloom and grow in it's own season, in it's own place


Joshua Harris writes about intimacy in his book, "I kissed Dating Goodbye" :

(page 28, A little principle) " An intimate relationship is a beautiful experience that God wants us to enjoy. After all, He stated that it wasn't good for man to be alone and created the woman to perfectly complement him and help him (Genesis 2: 18). but God has made the fulfillment of intimacy a by-product of commitment-based love. If we want to experience the goodness of His plan, we need to reconnect the pursuit of intimacy with the pursuit of commitment. This is what i call the Little Relationship Principle:

The joy of intimacy is the reward of commitment.

All of us want intimacy. It means being close to someone. It's being vulnerable, open, and dependent. It's giving to and recieving from another person the deepest parts of who we are - our hopes, our fears, our secrets, our affections. An intimate relationship in which we know and are known by another human is one of the most fulfilling and precious parts of life - it's a gift from God.

There are many different kinds of intimate relationships in life. We can be intimate with a friend, a family member, with a coworker, but the deepest, most meaningful of intimate relationships (outside of a Christian's relationship with God) is the one between a husband and a wife who share not only their hearts but also their bodies- in sexual intimacy, two people know each other in a profound way.

What each of these relationships has in common is trust. We are intimate with those people who have proven their faithfulness to us, people who have shown over time that they will be careful to guard what we have given of ourselves. We're intimate with people who are commited to us.

You might say that intimacy between a man and a woman is the icing on the cake of a relationship headed toward marriage. And if we look at intimacy that way, then it becomes obvious that most of our dating relationships are all icing. They usually lack a purpose or a clear destination. In most cases, especially when we're younger, dating is short term, serving the needs for the moment. We date because we want to enjoy the emotional and physical benefits of intimacy without the responsibility of real commitment. "

Another thing we need to realize, unless we are married to someone, in no way are we allowed to enjoy the benefits of physical intimacy with him or her.

Girls, guard your bodies as much as you guard your hearts.
DO NOT give them away so easily.
Save yourself for a man you truly love and who loves you back just as much
Save yourself for someone who has shown his commitment to you, the one who will place that ring on your finger, the one who will say those vows to you, before God and before the congregation as witness

Guys, protect our hearts and our bodies
When we love, we give our all, sometimes allowing emotions to rob us of being clear,
Thus we need you to guard us too
Respect us
And also in that same way, you save yourself for the woman who will make the same commitment to you, as you do her.

Mum had always told and reminded me, since i was at the age of 6, that a lady's virginity is her gift and probably the best gift she can ever give her husband, and as i grew up, i thought that likewise, by saving myself for him, i would want him to save himself for me!

(page 52, Joshua Harris "I kissed Dating Goodbye") " I cannot "own" someone outside of marriage. In God's eyes two married people become one. And as you continue to mature, you'll often crave the oneness that comes from sharing life with someone. Perhaps you feel the desire even now. Yet i believe that until we're ready to commit our lives in marriage, we have no right to treat anyone as if he or she belongs to us. Sarah and Philip are both seniors in high school and have gone out with each other for six months. Their relationship has reached a fairly serious level. In fact, for all intents and purposes, they might as well be married. They rarely do anything apart - they monopolize each other's weekends, drive each other's cars, and know each other's families as well as their own. Their physical relationship is also fairly serious. In fact, it's in a precarious position. Even though they haven't had sex, they constantly struggle with going too far.

The old attitude says we can "play marriage" if we really love someone. But the new attitude views a claim on another person's time, affection, and future before marriage is unwarranted.
Sarah and Philip realize they need to end their relationship as it now exists. By staking a claim on each other, they've stifled their individual growth and needlessly consumed energy that they should have directed into service and preparation for the future. They've planned their lives around each other when they don't really know that they'll get married someday. And in reality, if they're like most high school couples, there's a good chance they will probably marry someone else.

Even if Sarah and Philip had kept their physical relationship completely pure, they still would have unwarranted claims on each other's spiritual and emotional lives by continuing the relationship. If God wants them to be together in future, their current decision to halt their involvement won't endanger His plan. Right now they should choose to obey God and break up a relationship that has them stealing from each other.

Are you making unwarranted emotional, spiritual, or even physical claims on someone? Ask God to show you whether you need to re-evaluate a current relationship. "

Do not play with fire, lest you get burnt
Do not shoot yourself in your own foot
When we are in a relationship and we explore in ways we shouldn't, we are playing with fire!
Are you ready for the hurt and the pain that comes after that?
When we get burnt?

So what, if he's your boyfriend or she's your girlfriend now? You still have no claim or rights over each others' bodies!
When you give your chastity away so easily, and if/when you marry someone else in the end,
Will you be able to look that person in the eye and be able to say,
"You're the only one"

Respecting each other goes a long way.
It pays to wait.
Making it all the more sweeter when we allow intimacy to happen at the right time.

Elisabeth Elliot, Passion and Purity,
" A question of chastity. An outmoded word, the world says, but the truth is it's a Christian's obligation. It means abstention from sexual activity. For the Christian there is one rule and only one rule only: total abstention from sexual activity outside of marriage and total faithfulness inside marriage. Period. No ifs, ands, or buts"

We need, we must be very careful!
In a time and age where this thinking and value now seems obsulate, it is still possible to have a stand and to stick by it!
To have values and stick with them!

Romans 12: 1: "Therefore, I urge you, brothers, in view of God's mercy, to offer your bodies as living sacrifices, holy and pleasing to God - this is your spiritual act of worship"

1 Corinthians 6:18: "Flee from sexual immorality. All other sins a man commits are outside of his body, but he who sins sexually sins against his own body"

vs19: "Do you not know that your body is a temple of the Holy Spirit, who is in you, whom you have recieved from God? You are not your own"

vs20: "you were bought at a price. Therefore honor God with your body"

1 Corinthians 13: 4-7: " Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no records of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes. always perseveres"

Philippians 4: 6-7: "Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition,with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God which transcends all understanding,will gueard your heart and your minds in Christ Jesus."


Waiting patiently.

Elisabeth Elliot writes these in Passion and Purity,

" Psalm25: 5: on thee i wait all day"

"1 Chronicles 22:18: To wait on the Lord is to stand perfectly still... can we two trust His words, 'Is not the Lord your God with you? And hath he not given you rest on every side?.."

"Patient waiting does not come naturally for most of us, but a great deal is said about it in the bible. It is an important discipline for anyone who wants to learn to trust."

"But the things that we feel most deeply we ought to learn to be silent about, at least until we have talked them thoroughly over with God"

"How long Lord, must i wait?"
"Nevermind, child, trust me"

Lord Jesus, i pray for myself, for my friends and for my generation
Let us hold Your standards dear,
Hold Your values close to us
In no way, we will be moved
Let us in no way compromise who we are in You
Teach us, teach me to patiently wait
To be still, to be quiet
Forgive us Lord when we choose not to trust in You
Forgive us when we choose to steer our own lives
Forgive us for the mistakes we have made
If our thoughts and our actions have not been pleasing to You
Purify us
Santify us
You are God over everything
You created Eve for Adam
So surely, surely Oh Lord
You know who's best for us
You have already fashioned someone for each of us
I pray that we will not shortchange our destinies
Myself and the people i love
We will not toy with Your plans
But our eyes and our ears will be open to Your whispers, to Your thoughts
Matters of the heart can be complicated stuff
But never too complicated for You to handle
Take charge dear God, take control over this area
I love you
Amen.

But friends, i wanna encourage you, if your past is something you're not proud of, remember
Romans 8:1:"Therefore, there is now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus"

There were skeletons in my closet which i hid too, a past i'm not very proud of myself, BUT THERE IS NO CONDEMNATION!

Isaiah 43: 18-19: "Forget the former things; do not dwell on the past. See, I am doing a new thing! Now it springs up; do you not percieve it?


In "Put Away Your past" by Lisa Bevere,
She says, "Your past is not Your future."
"If we measure our future by our past, we are doomed to repeat it. It is fallacy to believe that by studying our past failures, traumas or abuses we prevent or correct our current ones. Looking at our past does not guarentee our future - it prevents it. When we search, analyze and delve into our yesterdays, we are limited to our own accumulated information of abuse or wrong decisions. Drawing on our own wisdom and experience will not safeguard our future. We need someone bigger and wiser than ourselves to guide and protect us - we need God"

" We cannot turn fully into the beautiful future God has for us until we completely turn away from our past"


In "Generation Esther", Lisa Ryan writes,
"I want to say something important here, though: If this discussion about the need for purity has brought conviction in your heart, please be encouraged- you can always begin again. If you haven't maintained purity in your life, you aren't forever disquailified from finding God's destiny for your life. God can cleanse you and make you whole again. If you let Him, God will set you apart again, or perhaps for the first time, for His purposes. Remember this: it is never too early or too late to start walking in purity in every area of your life."

So, give your past to God.
God never remembers the wrong we have done once we offer it to Him and seek His forgiveness
Forget your past and give your future to God (:

For my beloved "doctor" and i. (i'm hoping that you, my doctor will realize that i'm referring to you, don't wanna make it very obvious that's why) :


Elizabeth Elliot wrote this in her journal and felt this when she was around our age too, and in her book Passion and Purity she goes: ' My heart was saying, "Lord, take away this longing, or give me that for which I long." The Lord was answering, "I must teach you to long for something better." '

I feel exactly this way.
I also feel hurt, confused, angered and foolish.
But you know my dearest doctor, i'm thankful that I'm going through this period with you and with the bestfriend.
Need to get all my thoughts right. All my emotions right. Need to clear this cloud of confusion clogging up in my head.

I love you both so much. Thank you for hearing me out. *hugs*

Done my round of nights. Now it's my turn to have a long weekend (: Have been keeping my nails long so i can nail-polish it.
My nights were great. Interesting how i'm enjoying work more and more. Maybe i've found my place for this season. Maybe it's the amazing people i'm working with.
Maybe i'm just a simple person.
Maybe it's cos God's teaching me and moulding me and allowing me to learn to love life.
To see life as precious, i enjoy being around this kids. Enjoy doing what i do.

They are some really really REALLY naughty ones. Okay, maybe just one.
Let me not go there. I start fuming when i think of him. And of his father.
Argh. Like father, like son. I'm still flabbergasted with what happened last night.
When the dad started being unreasonable to us yesterday, i felt all my insides flaming 'cos i've never come across such ridiculous behaviour. Though we were confronted rudely for no proper reason at all, I kept quiet 'cos i knew if i were to speak or answer him more, i'd start raising my voice.

My little baby at Bed 2 is putting on more weight. (:
He came in malnourished and is still pretty much malnourished for a 9 mth old baby. But chubby cheeks have now replaced the sunken ones he had when he first came back to us. He has got such a handsome face now. And he sleeps like an angel (:

My teenage patient, the one i very aptly named Lily for this blog, is getting better. She's walking around now., with assistance nevertheless but it's a HUGE improvement. :D We've taken out the NG tube and she's eating on her own. She's been with us so long that even her boyfriend is so familiar with us. He knows all our names by heart.

Haha. Sister K did night with us. She was the Unit Sister for all Paed Medical wards last night.
One of our phones is faulty, we got the FM guy to come fix it, he came and checked it out but said that he'll get someone to come back again in the morning.
So, both Lilian and I were alone in the ward while Kartina and Mariam went downstairs to buy snacks when Sister K came out to check up on us. She caught the two of us using the internet, haha, but only scolded us lightly and in a funny way, told us to do some other stuff and then the faulty phone started ringing.
She answered it and there wasn't anyone at the other end.

She went "hello? hello? Eh?? No one"
(looking at us) " This person does not want to talk"
(then back to the reciever) "IS THIS SHEELA'S BOYFRIEND??!!!!"

Hahaha! Seriously Sister K?
That was a hilariously unexpected thing to say. Both Lil and I could not stop laughing.

The previous night was with Kartina, Gracy and Subha. And Gracy sure can crap alot. Kartina becomes high at night too. Haha. We laughed so loud, Subha, the most sane one among us, had to keep going "Shhhh! Shhhh!"


Thank You Lord for protecting my nights, my patients, and us nurses.
Thank You for my colleagues.
Thank You for Your blessings.
Its true how you know our hearts, how you know what makes us truly happy
You give us the very best and for that I thank You.

Not looking forward to doing my round of night shifts today and tomorrow. Mainly because it's the post- CNY period where there will be a flood of admissions for diarrhoa, vomiting, gastritis etc.
Last week itself (pre-CNY period) was really busy, we had to open up our empty cubicle to accomodate the children admitting in. And when we discharge one kid, another kid will come in not long after.

Met Haresh, my umbrella friend two days back. (: Haha. It has been two years since we last met!! Time sure does not wait for no one. It just flies and skids past you.
So, i'm learning to savour every moment. He happened to be around Novena for some working stint, since i was working the pm shift and we'd end work about the same time, he called and waited for me.

It is good meeting up an old friend.
You think about the years back in sec school, the fun, when we were buddies and when he bullied me, when i bullied him, but seriously, in sec school, no one bullied me like Ting Hao, the guy i was sitting beside in our classroom seat arrangement! Nana knows, 'cos i complained to her.
He'd pinch my arms for fun, or when he ask for something and i don't reply, until my arms were covered with so many bruises! He yakked alot. He disturbed alot. He poked alot. It was nightmare sitting beside him!
But he was also a darn good friend, patient and always listening, though he sometimes struggle with what encouraging words to say in return (:
Haha, and when he started getting interested in one of our classmate, he decided to go sit beside her for one lesson, after which she told me she's amazed that i could put up with all his classroom etiquette for 2 years.
Wonder what became of him now. Bumbed into him in the bus 2 years back too, but could not talk cos he was seated at the back and i was already getting off the bus, he might be in civil defense cos' of the uniform.
One thing i kinda feel regret is that i haven't really stayed contact with some of my good friends back in sec sch. Some i do quite frequently, like Haresh and Darsh and occasionally Sarah, Renu, Zakiah, Faslinda but the rest just dissappeared.

At work, we girls are getting pretty used to being under Sister K's care. She's more a friend than she is a boss/supervisor!
We find ourselves joking with her more easily. Even before entering her room i'll go "SISTERRRRRRRRR!!!!" something i definetly would not do to Sister L.! Yesterday Sangeetha leaned slightly on Sister K. LEANED!

I like her, despite the fact that she makes really horrid rosters, i still like her.

There's this 10 year old Malay boy in the isolation room i have been looking after the past 3 days. It being the CNY holiday period, his whole family stays with him in the hospital, they've managed to make the room into a cosy home. His two younger siblings are cute. especially the youngest, and his parents are so nice. His mom will always go "thanks so much dear/darling".
So anyway, whenever i go in, i'd explain to them why the doctor ordered this and that, and answer their questions or just talk to them.
Towards the end of my shift 2 days ago, i went back in to take the boy's temperature. While waiting for the thermometer to beep, his younger brother, probably about the age of 9, finally asked his dad quite earnestly in Malay, i could understand, and it goes like this "Dad, why does this nurse look Malay but only speak in English?"

HAHA. so cute right?! I wonder whether he was tormenting himself with that question until he finally asked his dad. I smiled and answered him myself, explaining that i'm mixed. His dad explained it to him again in Malay.
And from then on, even the following days after, he TOLD everyone who talked to me in Malay that i wasn't Malay, i'm actually mixed but one time he got it wrong, he told his mom that "her mom's singaporean and her dad's from Philippines" (:
Children are just lovely.

This is for Manda, whenever you feel lonely :D hugs.

Thought of you when i read this from the book Passion and Purity.
I know, things are getting so much better and i'm really glad for that, but whenever homesick- ness kicks in, remember this.
The book's about relationships, the affairs of the heart but i felt that this also serves as reminder for all of us, whether we're wanting/missing that special companionship or just in the area of friendships.

All those who are stuggling with loneliness, this is for you too (:



What to do with Loneliness

Be still and know that He is God. When you are lonely, too much stillness is exactly the thing that seems to be laying waste your soul. Use that stillness to quiet your heart before God. Get to know Him. If He is God, He is still in charge.

Remember that you are not alone. "The Lord, He is that doth go with thee. He will not fail thee nor forsake thee. Be strong and of good courage." (Deut 31:8)
Jesus prmised His disciples, "Lo, I am with you always" (Matt 28:20) Never mind if you cannot feel His presence. He is there, never for one moment forgetting you.

Give thanks. In times of my greatest loneliness I have been lifted up by the promise of 2 Cor 4:17,18, "For this slight momentary afflcition is preparing for us an eternal weight of glory beyond all comparison, because we look not to the things of that are unseen. "This is something to thank God for. This lonelinessitself, which seems a weight, will be far outweighed by glory.

Refuse self-pity. Refuse it absolutel. It is a deadly thing with power to destroy you. Turn your thoughts to Christ who has already caried your griefs and sorrows.

Accept Your loneliness. It is one stage, and only one stage, on a journey that brings you to God. It will not always last.

Offer up your loneliness to God. As the little boy offered to Jesus his five loaves and two fishes, God can transform it for the good of others.

Do something for somebody else. No matter who or where you are, there is something you can do, somebody who needs you. Pray that you may be an instrument of God's peace, that where there is loneliness you may bring joy.

From, Passion and Purity by Elizabeth Elliot

I'm tired.
Hate doing am-pm-am-pm shifts. Drains all my energy physically and mentally.
I'm too tired to pick up the phone, call and talk to my bestfriend although i miss her alot today!

True enough, i have got to take antibiotics, ALL 112 of them pesky round pink tablets.
Plus, i have got to wear face mask all the time at work for all of the two weeks i'm covered with antibiotics.
Makes me feel infected and diseased.
Argh.

Oh well, as a nurse we're always exposed to all kinds of diseases.
And the baby's really cute. (:
Couldn't help hugging him that day.

there's this cute little 5 mth old baby i looked after today. Did junior, so bathed him, fed him, carried him, wiped his mucus and drool (he drools ALOT) and held him so close to me.
Only to find out during the end of shift that he actually needs isolation nursing care!
Doctor recieved a call from the lab, the results for his nasal swab showed that the baby has pertussis.

PERTUSSIS. also known as highly contagious WHOOPING COUGH.

great.
and today, i bathed him, fed him, carried him, wiped his mucus and drool and held him so close to me.

Infection control will need to contact tracing. 'cos the condition wasn't detected at C.E., so they warded him in the normal cubicles, shared with other patients.
May or may need antibiotics, or a jab.
I WILL PRAY AGAINST IT.
don't wanna get whooping cough.

Was supposed to be in charge of a cubicle of isolated patients today, but because Jaya wanted her student to do in-charge, i became a floater instead. What a floater usually do is just to help whenever help is needed. So i busied myself by topping up our ward supplies, handing out clothes and towels to patients and such. Ward was free up till 1pm, when C.E. sent us 4 admissions one after the other.


Came back to a very full ward (post night shift, BCLS day (think, CPR for adult, child, infant), and then two days off). Imagine, one cubicle just for a family of HFMD patients. All four siblings kena together.
And i noticed that we have been getting alot of young cerebral palsy patients. One thing about work, i see all kinds of patients, we have those who come in for the slightest of illnesses, like fever, or headache, up till very ill patients.

Like this young teenager we're looking after, i'll call her Lily.
Lily has been with us for a really long time now, admitted early November. I saw her change, her condition worsen, from her being able to walk, talk, sit up, sometimes we had to run after her when she leaves the ward without us knowing, once i literally had to pull her back to her bed. To a point where she couldn't rationalize anymore, she'd scream and shout, sometimes needing 4 people , one time 8 people, to hold her down, 'cos she was just too strong for us.
She had to be transferred to intensive care. When her condition improved, she came back to my ward, by then all she could do was just too lay on her bed, slipping in and out of semi-conciousness.
She'd shiver, barely could move her legs, her arms were stronger and we could only feed her via a tube.
She could only mutter, words were all a slur. She no longer screamed but she was just lying there, on her bed all day long.
She's better now, though our nursing care for her is still pretty intense. We have got to do all her ADLs, which is abbreviation for activities of daily living, simple acts we can do on our own such as bathing, toileting. She's still bed bound for now, the therapist are doing it step by step, trying to slowly let her start eating, or rather start swallowing water (all her nutrition comes from milk feeds tru the tube for the past 1 and a half mth maybe?), her left hand's so weak.
Today while we were changing her diaper, i told her to help me pull up her pants, i took her hand and placed in on the pants, she struggled but she tried.
Talked to her today, when i saw that she was uncomfortable, went up to her and asked why, she pointed to the leg splints she had (which we put on and off every 3hours), and i told her to look at the clock, which she did, and to tell me the time, she couldn't but still explained that i could only take it off at 3pm, and it's still 215pm. She understood me.
She is getting better, slowly but surely.


Sister L. has been promoted to A.D.N. (Assistant Director of Nursing), all of us were sad 'cos that would mean she's no longer gonan be the sister for our ward. Sister L. was a good ward sister. She saw past our mistakes, sure got scolding la. But Sister L. was such that if she scolds you, it was only 'cos it's needed and she corrects in love. We learnt so much under her.
Hahaha, we all cried during our ward party when she talked about her time being our Sister, more so, when she teared while saying that she's gonna be missing us.
To replace her, now there's Sister K. She joined us 2nd week of December and i would say that some of us have not been very fair to her.
Sister K. has only been recently promoted to a ward sister early last year. And because we were under the guidance of a strong leader, who had very good knowledge, we compare her to Sister L.

Sister K's a comical person. Haha, more like an auntie la! I thnk i would be comfortable calling her "Auntie K!".
She talks like one, acts like one, nags like one too. HAHA. they say she nags like a mother-in-law.

Once during her 2nd week with us, the moment she came into the wardm she started nagging and raising her voice "MADINA. clear this" "MADINA. put this back to the nursery room" "MADINA. put the Bp cuffs properly", to which either Siew Hui or Jaya told Madina, "eh, you quickly go back home la, wait she ask you to mop the floor next"

Haha, Sister K. says the funniest things, funny 'cos she's sooooo blur and all over the place. That's why some of my seniors doesn't really like her much.
Oh well. It is a huge change. Sister L. and Sister K. are extremely different. One's so prim and proper and wise, the other's so. HAHA. auntie.
(: but i kinda like her. She is a nice person.
Sometimes she'll walk towards me, stare at me for a long time with a blank look on her face and then go "ahhhh, yaaaa, sheelaaaaa, come, i got something to tell you"
hahaha.

Anyway, Dr. D. C. , our ward consultant and the team of doctors praised us, saying that they are impressed and happy with our nursing care and the teamwork. He said it was better than the high dependancy ward. Whoopee! (:
We were talking over milkshake at the staff lounge after our shift and Sangeetha said we should keep that standard if not, then better.

Pleasing to You

Sanctify me, clean out my closet
Take away anything that is not pleasing to You
Purify me
Destroy all my anger
Wash away everything that is not pleasing to You

I will be white as snow
I will be pure as gold
Jesus my heart must know
That i'm pleasing to You
I give my life, my all
Taking the cross
I will follow
Jesus my heart must know
That i'm pleasing to You

Sanctify me
You are the light to guide me
To the place where I am,
Only pleasing to You
Oh come and purify me Lord
So that the darkness leaves
And i can be pleasing to You

Come make me white as snow
Lord make me pure as gold
Jesus my heart must know
I'm pleasing to You
I give my life my all
Taking the cross I will follow
Jesus my heart must know
I'm pleasing to You


I would say, that in every generation. there will be those same temptations. The lust of the eyes, the lust of the flesh and the pride of man. I used to think that the world then, eras before would have been more pure.
More sanctified than the era that we're living in now.
It has always been there.
It's just out in the open now.
You see it everywhere. What used to be done behind close doors , in secret
It's all out in the open, for all to know and for all to see
Maybe, it has become far more worse.
But it has been written about in the old testaments. Spanning thousand and thousand of years.
The desires of the world has been the same and will always be the same.
It will continue slamming on your face.

So how do we turn away
How do we set ourselves apart
In a place where sadly, moral values and standards are falling apart
Where God's standards are not thought about
Where no one gives a care on how it was first made to be
How God had fashioned it, intended it

It has become the usual, the norm
Everybody is doing it, you say
So why can't I too?
But let us not falter, let us not be decieved
There are some things that should not be played with
Some things are not meant to be experimented on
Some things that was intended to be beautiful should not be made ugly.

Do we want love or do we want lust?
Do we want a soul, a spirit so pure, or a life filled with filth and guilt
Do we want to hold our head up high, or hang it down in shame?
Do we want to please God's heart, or follow Satan's decietful claim?
I struggle, it's a war within me
Very much in a time that no longer holds moral standards high and dear
What they show on television
A silent monster, a ravenous spirit
Gleeming, a wry smile on it's charcoal black lips
Slowly engulfing the viewer's spirit into its sin
No wonder they say to "be careful of what you see and what you hear"
This knowledge that our minds are not able to handle
That such a passion between a man and a woman
Should be kept
Should be holy
What is holy they say
Do we need it they laugh
Just like in the book of Proverbs
The foolish chooses to be blind to wisdom
Although wisdom is what we really need
So Lord, I choose You
I choose to please Your heart
I choose to be pure
Because of Your grace now I can be as white as snow
This battle can be won,
But only with You and by You.

Finally met my poly buds last saturday at jee's 21st bbq get-together last saturday.
:D missed them so much, we catched up, shared intimate/girl-stuff stories despite the many people walking around us. How fast have we moved into another phase in life. Cheryl's an O.T. nurse, Fa's working in A & E, Khairiya and Jee's in Neuro and both Prim and I are in Paeds.
We enjoyed the breeze and the food. Jee's nenek cooks GOOD rendang!
Darsh couldn't join us 'cos she had an accident one week back and could not walk. She fell into a longkang. Not a joking matter 'cos her tendon tore, but it's just like her to fall into a longkang laaa. :D Another babe i miss so much.

My slippers tore around the time we wanted to leave, and was struggling to fix it back so i could at least decently walk up to the main road, Jee's family chose a bbq pit right near the end of the park!
Prim had to remind me about the other time my slippers tore at Marina Square! I sat at Mac's while Ya and Prim buy me new slippers!
My footwear always choose the unlikeliest of time to break. And always when i'm out with friends. Haha. Better with friends than when i'm alone.
So, just when i was pretty much prepared to walk barefooted out of the park, Ya's boyfriend offered to try to fix it. And fix it well he did!
It was beyond repair seriously. Still he cut a hole through my slipper, slip the top in and secured it underneath with a rubber band!
SMART!!!! He totally saved my face! :D

We left the park close to 12. Took the last bus to Pasir Ris MRT and got a cab from there since there was no more transport. Dad called me and he was fuming mad, there's this unspoken curfew that my dad has got for me. He never really imposed a time for me to be home by, just as long as it's not too late.
That's when i start thinking why is it that although i'm almost an adult, i'm still not allowed that freedom. It's not like i choose to stay out late everynight/ smeak out of the house. I come home. I get pissed when shift ends late and mum demands to know why i'm home so late and i have got to explain yet again that my work is not like those 9-5 jobs that the moment it turns 5 i can leave straightaway.
Hmm, but i'd rather have concerned parents to parents who can't be bothered at all.

Anyway, God "gave" me a good taxi driver. Right after Dad called me (he probably could hear Dad's angry, loud tone) he drove faster, when we reached my place he asked if i wanted him to turn into the carpark and i said he could just dropped me off at the bustop and he actually waited at the bustop until i got into the lift!
Now that's service from the heart. :D


One year has passed and it's a whole new year now
I've got a feeling this year's gonna zoom by me fast
Need to learn to enjoy every moment.
To soak in and take each day as a gift from God (:
Another year, another gift of life.
Another year to do His will, the question's not "what has 2009 got in store for me"
Rather its "what do i have in store for 2009"
Is this year gonna be a year of difference and of change, be it small or big
Or is this year just gonna be like any other year slowly sinking into oblivion

it's never enough isn't it?
Always never, never enough.


on, a lighter note,
i enjoyed work yesterday. love love love my funny colleagues and the funny things they say/do never fails to crack me up .

like, when dian asked if i have a boyfriend,

d: eh! you really don't have a bf?
me: nope
d: are you sure????????!!
(laughter)
me: yes, i'm verrry sure i dont have a bf.
d: maybe you forgot that you have one!

and the way kuixian complained about us wasting two hours of time after work was hilarious, Two whole hours sitting down at the counter, just thinking and contemplating of which catering service we want for our year end party, falling in love with the delicious menu, calling them numerous of times, and then in the end sticking to our own KKH kitchen catering service!


work always become fun when working with great people(:

Psalm 23.
The Lord is my shepherd, i shall not be in want
He makes me lie down in green pastures, He leads me beside quiet waters
He restores my soul, He guides me in paths of righteousness for His name's sake
Even though i walk through the valley of the shadow of death, i will fear no evil, for You are with me; Your rod and Your staff, they comfort me
You prepare a table before me in the presence of my enemies. You anoint my head with oil, my cup overflows
Surely goodness and love will follow me all the days of my life, and i will dwell in the house of the Lord forever.

Psalm 23-27 is truly beautiful. Actually, every knowledge, wisdom, truth that the whole bible has in all it's pages are beautiful. But this few Psalm struck me this time.

Psalm23 encapsulates all that we can be in God, all that we are given by God.
All His love for us described so splendid ansd great in only 6 verses.

Psalm 24 vs 1 & 2.
The earth is the Lord's, and everything in it. the world, and all who live in it;
For He founded it upon the seas and established it upon the waters.

Nothing escapes God. He created the universe. He created and is still creating.
Babies in mothers' wombs as i type, flowers blooming, plants sprouting from the earth, butterflies morphing from cocoons, children waking up and having grown a tad inch taller..
God is working in all these things.
Nothing is missed from His eyes
So why, why do we sometimes feel that He is not there, He does not care. If He cares for the smallest of all creation, the flowers, the birds, would He not care for the people he created, in His own image, created to love and be loved by God.
Would You not mean anything to Him.
You, yet but a blurred face, among the many billions and trillions breathing in the earth right now. And yet still, You who matters so much to God.
Would He not care for You?
Would nothing that You do catch His eye, His attention?
Everything that You do matters, everything that You do causes God's heart to move, for You.

Psalm 25 vs 1 & 2
To you, O Lord, I lift my soul; in you i trust, O my God

vs 14
The Lord confides in those who fear Him; He makes his covenant known to them

What is more delightful than knowing that we can hear God's whispers, His thoughts.
That the great I AM, the King and Creator of all the universe, wants to share His heart with us

Psalm 26 vs 8
I love the house where You live, O Lord, the place where Your glory dwells

I want nothing more dear Lord, than to be where You are

Psalm 27 vs 6
...... I will sing and make music to the Lord

"I just want to be where You are
Dwelling daily in Your presence
I don't want to worship from afar
Draw me near to where You are

I just want to be where You are
In Your dwelling place forever
Take me to the place where You are
Cause I just want to be with You

I just want to be where You are
Dwelling in Your presence
Feasting at Your table
Surrounded by Your glory
In Your presence that's where I always want to be
I just want to be, I just want to be with You

Oh my God, You are my strength and my song
And when I'm in Your presence, though I'm weak Your always strong

'Cause I just want to be
I just want to be with You"

how will i know.
how do i know.
why does my heart beat so fast, for something unreal.

hee. okay. i suppose it's time to update my blog. has been post-less for more than a month now. It's not that i have got nothing to say.. i do ALOT of thinking. It's just that i've got so many stuff to type about that i don't know where to start,or which to say first. That explains why i haven't been updating. Always leaving blogging for another day.

I'll start with IT'S BEEN SIX MONTHS SINCE I'VE STARTED WORK! (:
yipeee! God carried me tru it and He will continue carrying me on..
until my next phase of life.
I'll continue to pray about it. I've told my closer friends that i know nursing (in the hospital setting) is not something i'd be doing all my life.
I don't think i've got what it takes to stay in the "shift work - 5 to 6 days a week, doing the same thing until it's time to retire".
No.
I wanna do more. I wanna do more than this.
Sure the money is good. Hahaha. Really.
The government sure does treasure us nurses.
But, if.. if God does call me to some other place. Even if it means relying on God for my income. Then i am willing to go. I still hold on to the prayer and the vision Aunt Quee Eng saw when she prayed for me.

The theme song for the youth conference was "Here I am", the chorus goes,

"I will go where You send me,
Jesus take me now I am Yours
I am Yours
Lay my life on the altar
Everything i give to You alone
Here I am.
Here I am"

Jamie, the guy from Covenant Players whom we had the honor of being taught the basics of drama and mime, reminded me while he was talking to us, that being in the place that God has called you. Knowing that it is your calling. That is what spurs us on. The beauty of it. Even when times are tough. I am sure that our Jehovah Jireh will provide our needs, tangible and intangible.
What strikes me about the Covenant Players is their love for drama. Their determination to be God's vessels. Their zeal. Their desire for using what they like to do - you could say that it's a hobby, for God.
Their commitment. Their passion for life and for Jesus.
Lina has committed 16 years, and she's still spurring on (:
Jamie and Michelle are so young, 23 and 24 respectively and they have already made that BIG decision.. to say "here God, here's my life, use me". They go by faith.

Pastor Kel, our speaker for the conference. At 60 and still on fire for God's work.
I'm still smiling at his story of how he met the tribal people and God using him to share the good news. Those who went would agree that it's a good story, WOAH?????

Amazing.

What's more amazing is that. God has a special plan for each and everyone of us. And that if we obey, He will never fail us. Amazing, how He wants to use us. The God of the universe. What He wants to do, He can make it happen by a snap of His fingers.
And yet.
He chooses to use us.

Another reason for me to praise and thank God, is how timely my annual leave was planned. and scheduled. I didn't ask. Well, i did remind Sister L. that i haven't had my annual leave for this year yet. She asked if i had any week in mind. I told her I'm fine with anything she gives, and she gave me this week. Allowing me to come for the youth conference, every day, attending every minute of it ((:
Thank you Lord. I enjoyed the conference. Drama and Mime was a blast, hahaha..ooohh, we tried our hands on acting....learnt so much cool stuff and it widened my perspective of acting. We can use that skill of acting for God's glory! And acting becomes so powerful when it's anointed.

Raj and I are exchanging rooms now. so the whole house is in a mess!!

We're mostly done with painting my new room, just need to do some touch ups. Have not started on Raj and Janan's room yet. And i love love love my new bed. Single bed tho' but it's reallly nice.
One thing i'd miss about my old room would be the queen sixed bed.. awwwwwww. I won't be able to sleep and stretch and turn and roll.
But the up-side of getting Raj's room would be that i'd have cable tv!!!! (: H.B.O.!!!!!!

When looking tru the paint catalogue, i chose this nice shade of dark purple, Plum Satin is what it's called. The colour turned out pink. So the walls are now pink. The ceiling and some parts of the wall is a nice shade of beige, given by Uncle Ban Seng. Complements the pink walls well. The room is coming out nicely. (:

You know what kind of mum i'm guessing myself to be next time?
The ultra as-cool-as-a-cucumber kinda mum.
Especially when it comes to my child being sick.

"Aiyo, GE only la. Just rest and drink lots of water la"

"Aiyo, green colour stool, nevermind la, it's normal if got GE"

"A little bit of blood streak in stool? Nevermind, nevermind, just continue monitoring.. bloodstreak may be possible with the amount of purging, which traumatises child's anus.. nevermind, nevermind, monitor somemore"

"Aiyo, fever only la. Just take paracetamol every 4hourly or Ibuprufen if it's still very high"

"Aiyo, itchy only la. Just take Piriton three times daily"

"HFMD? As long as i hydrate my child, isolate, treat the fever.. can ready"

My ears would be so immune to my children's crying, that when they're just throwing a tantrum and crying all their stubborn heart's out so that mum will give them what they want, i will be able to shut it all out. *yay me!*
My ears are already immune to cries in fact.
All due to the screaming they have got to endure every single day, more so when we're doing procedures on these little kids.


And some parents tend to make repeated requests to nurses. For example, they go up to Nurse A. and make a request like "can you help me take new clothes for my child", Nurse A says "Ok, just give me awhile".. and maybe awhile later, the parent will ask Nurse B for the same thing.

Like today, was attending to my patient in the isolation room and his mum asked me to make a bottle of milk for him. Went out of the room, put back some other stuff and headed to the milk room to make his milk, 7 ounce of it and gave it to the mum.

Just 5 minutes later, i saw my colleague shaking a bottle filled with about 7 ounce of milk too, outside the room, pretty much ready to go in till i went
"RAAAGGGEEESSSSSSSS, I JUST GAVE HIM MILK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"

The look on Rages face was classic.

Rages: "THEN THIS?! (holding up the bottle) Can i give it to this patient?" (pointing to the other isolation room, also with a baby)

Me: "No. he's on total breastfeeding"

210mls of formula milk wasted just like that.
Apparently, when i left the room to make his milk, Rages went in 'cos his IV drip's infusion pump was beeping, and the child's mum asked her to make milk too.
Silly. Haha.

Then again, imagine if I did not happen to see Rages outside the room. The mum would have been pretty shocked to get 2 full bottles of milk, one right after the other.

Stuff like these happens alot, maybe just not like this instance, that's what you get with the combination of anxious parents and hardworking nurses (:

I've joined the addiction to WORD CHALLENGE!
my mind's squeezed out of all the nouns and tenses.
And why do they only give 2 miserable, miserable, miserable, miserable, miserable minutes.
Haha, it has been hours, hours, hours and more hours, and yet i'm still stuck at being a rockstar.
See the lack of my vocabulary already?!
My brain just can't think of anymore words to form with all those letters.
hmmm.

letters.

settler.

tester.
test.
set.
let.
tee.
see.
lee.
leer.
rest.
ret. (i don't know the meaning just yet, but apparently it's accepted. ahhhhh. now i know the meaning having just checked out my bestfriend's other bestfriend)

And that's just about what my brain can conjour up in the past, like what, 100002224598765967 minutes?


On another, irritated note,
There are just some ways a guy should never befriend a girl in.

Like stopping in your tracks, staring at her for 15-20 seconds before walking behind a wall, pretending you're moving along, on your way to wherever you're going, but in actual fact hiding behind that very wall, waiting for the girl to walk past you, and when she does, watch her back for a few more seconds before saying "hi".
OR when you have just started talking to her for the very first time and you start asking way-out-of-the bound questions which i will not further elaborate here.
OR how about not knowing her at all but following her all the way home and introducing yourself, at night for goodness sake.

OR something most common, that i'm pretty sure every girl can relate to, sitting opposite her, staring her down while giving that chee-ko look.

I mean, a girl can tell when you're genuine or just plain sick.
Wanna befriend a girl, not every pick up line at the bar works for all girls,
Ultimately, we women can only become close to guys we know will respect us and never violate our dignity, thus earning our respect.

And again, on another note
drunk guys are scary.
scaaaaarrrrrrrrryyyyyyyyyy.
they don't need to say anything at all.
their presence is enough to scare the petunias out of me.

dinner and night was with hwc yesterday (:

tho' of course not the whole night: if not the eldest and only male would have to be answerable to all the fathers. especially to a certain someone's daddy :p

Finally, we were complete for Lydz came along yesterday.

Ooooo, i simply love hearing Lydia's girly squeels and how she sounds when she gets high.

Everyone, come meet my pink hippotamus "Wydia" given by sweet Lydia for my birthday. Wydia's 2nd name would be "Gerbra" named after Lydia's famous and unforgettable mispronunciation.

Do you still remember cream-coloured Muffin lyd? That was another toy dog you gave me FIVE years back - it's almost the same type of toy, just smaller in size and without the LARGE sad eyes Wydia has.

Say hello to the world Wydia Gerbra!

I always end up having sorethroat when i'm out with them

and my throat is still sore today!

****

Day off was the day before yesterday so i went for a date with bessie frenda. GOT MY NIKE SHOES! (: "not the one i wanted... but it's still nice". Bessie's ears almost became sore that day 'cos i kept repeating that line. Then we went to Udders, then to shop for my deepavalli dress @ Hula and Co. - the dress i bought does look like the dress hwc got me too. haha. not that adventurous in buying dresses la. For now, i'll stick to the ones i know will look fine on me. For now ah. Then we got some other stuff while walking around marina sq. and finally feasted @ seoul garden.

Plain greedy la.

Even tho' we had ultra filling waffles with 2 scoops of ice cream for "lunch" we still wanted to eat @ seoul garden.

Gonna do night shift today and tomorrow. The ward has been getting awfully busy. I hope tonight won't be so hectic.

There are days i feel shitty.
Today was one of those days.
Held back my tears a couple of times, during the shift and along the way home.

CE sent 4 patients to my cubicle @ one shot, when it was time for the morning shift to hand over to the afternoon shift. I have two patients squeezed in both my isolation rooms.
Because of the new rule Sister L made to have ward rounds every day (where all the nurses on shift has to listen to EVERY patients' report), the passing of report took ONE AND A HALF HOURS.
Morning shift left quite alot of things undone. we had to finish and help them out with the changes, but i could understand, really.
In this one shift alone, i had to transfer 3 of my patients out of my ward to another ward, discharge another patient by 5pm, which i could only do at 530pm 'cos the drug prescription, MC and memo were still not done at 5pm by the doctor, by then the inpatient pharmacy was gonna close soon, so before they closed i had to run out to get the medicine.

My ward nurses not only looked after children, we had to look after women too. There was an overflow of gynae cases. So we had 5 women. 3 came for surgery, 2 just delivered. At 630pm, my snr. recieved a call that we need to pick a patient up 'cos her surgery was done. My colleague who was in charge was having her break, so i went to pick the patient up.
Snr. wasn't very sure where to pick the patient up from, she heard women's OT.
Walked to women's OT only to find that there was no such patient there, they instructed me to go to day surgery. Went there only to find out that there was absolutely NO need for me to pick up the patient!

Came back to the ward, did my report, serve the medicines, settle another issue between the lab and the doctor (or at least i tried to settle) and continued with the report.

I didn't mention anything about me going for any break right. That's 'cos i didn't.
There was no time at all for a break..
Was too hungry till it came to a point where i wasn't hungry anymore.

And i felt shittier while passing report to the night shift because of another issue, sigh.

Thank you bestfriend for listening & understanding (:
It felt so good to finally let all my tears out.

I still thank God for today tho'. Learnt sooooooooooooooooo much. Had good snrs. who helped me and at least things were finally settling towards the end of the day.

the b-day week. (:

And so, i have reached 20. The age where i'm no longer a teen, neither am I exactly an adult.

That sandwiched-stuck-inbetween year.

Still feel the same, no less different, in terms of age and what comes along with it.

Basking in all the love the dearest family and the lovely friends showered me with.

Dinner @ Jack's and Place with the family for both mine and raj's bdays 29092008(:

It's been so long since we last went to Jack's as a family. (:

It may have been simple fare, but i really wouldn't be what I am without these most important people.

Dessert @ Udders with Dot 03102008 (:

the waffles and ice cream is HEAVENLY.

haha, Dot and I sure can talk alot, we sat there talking NON-STOP for 3hours or so? :D

Dinner & Cake @ Pizza Hut with the dearest gang 04102008(:

Thank you for spending the actual day with me, for making me laugh so much ("Pastor ah, no need ribena. come let me make the drinkkkk")

Nevermind that their service was horrid. That the wait was long, and that the b-day cake surprise was totally ruined by the waitress. I really didn't care about all that.

My b-day celebration was still great because of you (:
Arghh!!! Should have taken a group shot.

Since there's no photo, i'll type all your names down.

Thank you Pearlyn, Dot, Honey, Sammie, Chris, Ray, Shaun, J.K., Joel, Arun, Sam, Martin and Alvin. :D

And..the most recent

SURPRISE dinner @ fish and co with HWbC (: 09102008 (:

Planning it for quite some time eh?
huh?

just dinner between me and the bestfriend huhh?

the bestfriend's friend who recommended to her the glasssshouse huhhh?

did you guys purposely choose fish and co. knowing what they make b-day babies do? HAHA. and Dot got sabo-ed in the end too! :D hahahahaha! YAYYY!!

HAHA, i love you.

Thank you for making me SMILE the WHOLE night.

Even when i was reaching my door, placing the balloons nicely tied to my chair.. i was still smiling.
And in all the photos, my smile is as wide as the universe la!

I look like i'm gonna burst out in laughter due to over-happiness in every shot!!!

It has been indeed an

eventful two weeks (:

Thank you for the bday presents too (:

Was walking down the path along KKH towards the bustop yesterday when walking slowly in front of me was a family of 3.
Dad, little Boy and Mum.

Dad puffing a cigarette
little boy about the age of 4, bouncing along inbetween them
Mum puffing a cigarette
Give it a few months, the boy would be having one or two of these:
URTI, Asthma, Bronchitis, Bronchiolitis or Pneumonia and the sweet boy might need up to 8 puffs of Ventolin every hourly.
Who knows, the boy might just have been discharged from the hospital, previously coming in for those very reasons!

Hey, these are all facts, researched, found, stamped and proven. So i shall and will not sugar my words.
You are adults.
Fully capable of rationalizing and making decisions.
If you choose to ruin your lungs despite knowing the harm you're causing yourself, that's really fine by me.
But do not bring along the lungs of your young ones.

I see that you do love your little kids. You may be judged by many, one look and people talk. But there's no doubt the sincerity you have towards your children. The way you put your hand on your kid's head, gentle, assuring. The way you smile at your kid, like any proud parent would.
So, my plea is simple and clear.
If you do love your sons, your daughters then
Protect your kid's health.
Protect your kid's lungs.
The consequences of the choices you make, does not only affect you now.